3rd September 2008...

The combined factors of betrayal and desolation have altered my life significantly... and left me with no avenue of hope... and I know not of any routes to amendment...

I have redirected my well being to one of hope... but it has surpassed to the extent that, that itself has even let me down...

They say that "when one door closes in life.. another opens" perhaps.... but within my experience... the so called opened doors only bring heartbreak....

I am lost in a tunnel of despair, and there is no available exit, only that of acceptance.... to the factor that reinstating the values of it is okay for a man to hit a woman.... perhaps, my daughter who has duly accepted this facade, but within the notaries of righteousness ... I will never condone it!!

 

10th October 2008...

At the moment I am living in hope.... surviving on a facade.... and the notaries of deceit are becoming apparent.

My life to date has became a fable.... to the extent that I struggle with the conception of normality and disillusion.... I no longer no right from wrong, as life itself diverted me from my original destination.... as acceptance, only to find that the diversion itself has led me to an avenue of hope.... 

Appeasement has now become one of my virtues, as slowly my determination is, within itself coming to a standstill... 

The mind is still winning, but the body refuses to co-operate...  but regardless I try to please everyone.... 

I to date am tired, started a new job in August.... and slowly my life is going downhill... to the extent that realisation is knocking on my door again... that I am to ill to work, but still I try, I have to....

I am a single parent with a young son... and Christmas is not a million miles away... I need the money.... 

As we speak, every social avenue has been blocked, as this within itself, not only drains me.... but after working I am to ill to source nor take advantage of that concept of normality regardless... 

To date, I, well within my workplace, joined the team of staff as a healthy individual.... (I omitted the truth) but the deceit of my pre-employed status is slowly becoming apparent, as I am being asked, as at certain times... (mostly towards the end of the day)   am I okay??? this I respond with "Yes, I am fine... did not sleep to well last night... just tired"

My web of deceit is due to transpire to that of reality.... whereas realisation, with regards to my employers, will soon be apparent... and an explanation will be required... 

To be fair, we as individuals, regardless of what web of deceit we spin.... we finally become victims yearning to break free... as we have been caught in our own web of deceit....

 

11th October 2008...

Today I have battled to gain a level of normality and well being.... I am worn out fighting against an  invisible diversion to ill health....

I need a break...

Regardless of my alternative routes to well being and hope.... I am constantly redirected to an avenue of ill health and suffering....

Through this minefield of destruction..... the invisible diversion, has yet to show itself... nor explain it,s gain in stealing anothers hopes, dreams and future..... but regardless... it goes on, destroying one person after another....

Does the invisible direction take pride in watching millions suffer???

The answer to that is yes, as it will not let go of it's controlism....with comparism to the grim reaper... at least he ends suffering...

As a sufferer I am confused.... but still I battle for freedom....

 

 

 

Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st

2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd