13th november 2006...

Today has been great.... work has been great.... my health has been great....

THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just as well... my wee dog decided to go into labour earlier....

AARRGGHHH!!!

Funny thing was I didn't know for sure that she was pregnant... I thought it was a phantom pregnancy....

She has given birth to one pup... at 7.50pm....

YIPPEE!!!!!!!!

MOTHER AND DAUGHTER ARE DOING FINE....

Anyways... I need to go.... I'll catch up later....

 

14th november 2006...

I had a great sleep last night.... I was shattered when I eventually got to bed..... what a night..... I didn't plan on being a midwife.... haha!!! no worries.... my wee pup is so cute....only problem is that it's mother is being very possessive of her pup.... I took both of them to the vet earlier... and got them checked out.... all is well.... to be honest it was touch and go when the pup was born.... I had to resuscitate it..... it took 2 or 3 mins... for it to take it's first breath.... god bless it....

Healthwise.... today all is well... I'm just really tired.... I was working today.... and have been busy since I got back...

My mind seems to be elsewhere at the moment... as...

POSITIVITY HAS BECOME AN ALLIANCE WITH NEGATIVITY....

GOT A BIT OF BAD NEWS EARLIER....

To be honest at the moment... I really do not want to go into detail....

But I'm sat here waiting on the phone ringing... my aunt is critically ill in hospital.... and as I type... I'm waiting on the news whether the decision has been made to turn of the life support system or not.....

Not only is she critically ill.... but they did a brain scan today.... and she has an inoperable brain tumour....

GOD LOVE HER.....

 

15th November 2006...

A final thought....

Never say "I hate you" even in a moment of anger... As you might never get a chance to say "sorry"

Always take time.. to admire the beauty of a rose.. if you choose to go back later... it may have wilted....

Do not take life for granted... but enjoy it to the full as if everyday was your last... we will not get a chance to come back and try again...

Enjoy... the beauty of the sunset... as soon it will be morning...

And never make promises that you cannot keep... as one day... you will not be able to ascertain that promise...

I have just received... that long awaited.. unwelcome phone call...

My aunt died at 5.30pm...

To be honest... no.. I didn't get the chance to visit her as much a I should have... but then again... I just never had the time... but we should make the time!!!!! and I did plan to....but of lately the only chance I got to see her... was at relatives... funerals...

At the moment... I wish that I could turn back time...

The last time I saw her.. was at a funeral.. several months ago... I gave her a big cuddle... and she commented on the fact.. that it was the only chance that we saw each other... I promised I would go and visit... but I didn't.... I never had time!!

At the time... I didn't realise that the next funeral I would be attending.. would be hers.... and I didn't even get a chance to say... goodbye...

SLEEP WELL... YOU'RE WITH THE ANGELS NOW... THEY WILL PROTECT YOU FROM PAIN AND SUFFERING... YOU ARE SADLY MISSED... BUT WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN... GOD BLESS... AND GOODNIGHT!!!!

 

16th November 2006...

Today healthwise... all is ok... yippee!!!! Physically speaking I've had a few problems... with my legs again.... that one is easily sorted.... I just sit down... sorted!!!! today has been a no going up the stair day... as my left leg.. wouldn't take my weight.... no worries... I didn't need to go upstairs anyway..... and if I did venture upstairs.. I would have seen the mess... and that would have stressed me even more.... out of sight... out of mind... that's my motto.... tonight.. I have a clear head.... for a change.... and my head is bouncing into a future... that I have not established.... hey... "slow down..... and give me a chance to catch up" haha!!!

Yes.. normality has struck again.... and reality has reared it's ugly head.... my wants and needs have again became important.... do I really want to live a life of solitude... errrmm no!!!! do I want the fairytale??... definately.....

I put my diary on hold for a while tonight... and caught up with some old friends... via m.s.n.... I'm glad that I did.... life does go on..... found out that a couple of my friends... have found a nice partner... I'm so glad.. that they have found happiness.... I wish that everyone.... could partake of the fairytale.... and enjoy it long enough... until the end of the book....whereas.. they all live happily ever after.....

I've found.. that many people will judge a book by it's cover.... regardless... of the covering... a book should always be opened.. read' understood... then by all means... judged....

A pretty cover... does not equal a good book.. and to be honest... the same can be said for people.... beauty is only skin deep.... it's what's within that person that really counts....

I received an e-mail from a friend last night.... it was supposed to be a funny... but to be honest... it made me think.....

Friendship Bracelet

If you delete after reading ... you'll spend a year of ill luck!

But... if you send it to (at least) two friends ... you'll have 3 years of good luck!!! ***

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?

Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them?

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:
I love you,     Sorry,     and Help me.

Did you know that those who dress in red are more confident in themselves?

Did you know that those who dress in yellow are those that enjoy their beauty?

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?

Did you know that when you help someone' the help is returned in two-fold?

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?

Did you know that if you ask for something in faith' your wishes are granted?

Did you know that you can make your dreams come true' like falling in love' becoming rich' staying healthy' if you ask for it by faith' and if you really knew' you'd be surprised by what you could do.

But' don't believe everything I tell you' until you try it for yourself' if you know someone that is in need of something that I mentioned' and you know that you can help' you'll see that it will be returned in two-fold.

Today' the ball of FRIENDSHIP is in your court' send this to those who truly are your friends (including me if I am one). Also' do not feel bad if no one sends this back to you in the end' you'll find out that you'll get to keep the ball for other people want more ..

Ok' this is what you have to do...:

Send to ALL your FRIENDS!

But you have to DO THIS within an hour after you open this mail!

Now..... MAKE 1 WISH!!!!!!

Make it now'

It's you last chance!!

I hope you did make a wish... Now send the mail to:

1 person~ your wish will come true in a year
3 persons~ 6 months
5 persons~ 3 months
6 persons~ 1 month
7 persons~ 2 weeks
8 persons~ 1 week
9 persons~ 5 days
10 persons~ 3 days
12 persons~ 2 days
15 persons~ 1 day
20 persons~ 3 hours

*** If you delete after reading... you'll spend a year of ill luck!

But if you send it to (at least) two friends ... you'll have 3 years of good luck!!!

Within this e-mail... I will highlight on 4 aspects of it... to be honest... it was to close to home....

Firstly....

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible?...
To be honest.... that is how I feel.....

Secondly...

Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are:
I love you,     Sorry,     and Help me.
These 3 things... are not part of my vocabulary...

Thirdly...

Did you know that those who dress in black, are those who want to be unnoticed and need your help and understanding?
This scenario... to myself... is denile.... but understood... and yearned...

Fourthly...

Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face?
Yes.. I know.... but within... I seem to diminish my thoughts... in the aspect of writing... once put on paper... they seem to have no value.... I can then forget...

I'm so glad... that I have been given the gift of words.... it allows me to download my feelings... onto a piece of paper..... although.. it wasn't so good whilst I was young.... at primary school to be exact... we were told to write.. a so called book... mine was called "Toby and the Dog" I was accused of copying from a book... my parents were sent for.... and I got into deep trouble... the teachers did their research... and to be honest... the book never existed.... my mum told the headmistress.. that I wrote quite a lot of stuff.... I had to then... prove the fact that I was not lying... I had to write a story... everyday for a week to prove my innocence.... and I did... everyday the story was presented to the headmistress.... a week later... I was eventualy recognised for my talent... I received a prize at prize giving..... but now... thinking back... why did I have to prove myself... I am who I am... accept... or decline....

But to be honest... these days... I tend to decline... I hide... the true me... I have to... no-one will ever see the weak... and I need your help... Linda....

on appearance... they will always see the I'm great... I'm fine... I can deal with everything Linda.... yes... it is a fascade.... but it is my portrayal of myself.... that I can deal with.... and I will never try to prove anothers misconceptions... if they do not take my word for it... then tuff!!!! let them deal with it... I will always prove them wrong....

until... I'm well my thought was to make empty promises.... that'll keep everyone happy... but since the empty promise that I made to my aunt... I won't do anymore... I will tell people the way it is....

My aunt is being buried on Monday... the service starts at 11.30am...

The only difference... between this funeral and the rest.... my aunt will not be giving me a cuddle....

GOD REST HER SOUL!!!!!

 

17th November 2006...

STRANGE LITTLE GIRL

one day you see a strange little girl look at you
one day you see a strange little girl feeling blue

she'd run to the town one day
leaving home and the country fair
just beware
when you're there
strange little girl

she didn't know how to live in a town that was rough
it didn't take long before she knew she had enough
walking home in her wrapped up world
she survived but she's feeling old
and she found all things cold

strange little girl
where are you going?
strange little girl
where are you going?
do you know where you could be going?

walking home in her wrapped up world
she survived but she's feeling old
cuz she found all things cold

strange little girl
where are you going?
do you know where you could be going?

Stranglers Lyrics.. Strange Little Girl...

TO ALL THE QUESTIONS... IN THE LYRICS OF THIS SONG... I HAVE TO ANSWER I DO NOT KNOW!!!!

I make up my life as I go along... I do things on impulse.. and never make plans.... within... I feel that I have become a victim of circumstance.... and the key to my survival... is unreality.... but within this world... necessary tasks are forgotten.... what else can I do!!!! when the task is firstly initiated.... I have no coping skills... so I blank it out.... then... unintentionally I forget.... I suppose out of sight... out of mind... comes into it again....

today... unintentionally... I came across an aspect of reality that I need help with.... and yes... please sit down...

I did ask for help!!!!! twice!!!!!

Did you survive that acceptance.... O.M.G!!! to me... it is still scary....

I admitted that I need help... outwith my routine.... my occupational therapist is going to help me... do some xmas shopping... and we are going to meet for a coffee on Wednesday.... yes... I made plans... ~ouch~ now... I'm not sure whether I can carry them out.... it's too scary!!!!! I also admitted today... that I have a problem with heights.... and obstacles in my way.... so my physiotherapist... started some work on that aspect.... it was a disaster... she gave me a step... of around... an inch... hey... what's the problem... I can do this... I'm an inch higher than I should be.... easy peezy.... but she was wiser than me... brought out a step that was much bigger... and asked me to step up and down it.... I did it... once... then she saw the look on my face... no can do...... I failed yet again.... but I will work on it... I ain't going to give up.... as for now... I will dismiss every problem that I have.... and within I gain.... I can do everything.... well that I can.... whereas... if I tried to do something... and failed... frustration would set in.... so.. I will avoid that aspect until I relearn... when I come to think of it... I have a lot to relearn...

To be honest.. the latter I'm struggling with.... I've closed myself off to the world.... I intentionally thought that it may help.... but I have realised... that it doesn't... but still I choose the path to alienate myself....

I'M A BIG GIRL NOW.... I CAN DEAL WITH IT!!!!! AND THE WORLD... IF I HAVE TO... SEE... I TOLD YOU THAT I CAN COPE!!!

PLEASE LET ME HAVE A DAY OF NORMALITY.... IT'S ALL THAT I ASK..

as for now... I feel as if I'm losing control... I cannot explain how I feel as my symptoms... change from day to day...but I'm trying to stay positive.... I have to!!!!

 

18th November 2006...

ooppss!!!! I got up this morning.. and realised that I'd left the cooker on all night... oh dear... I knew... I had forgotten to turn of something.... but no worries... I did it at 7.30am... better late than never I suppose... but it started my day of... on a level of misconception.... I'd let myself down again...

WHY DID I NOT REMEMBER!!!!

To me.. this is a dangerous aspect of forgetfulness... but what else can I do???

I HONESTLY DO TRY TO REMEMBER!!!

Anyways... work went as well as can be expected....then when I'd finished... I met my mum in the town... as per usual... today has had an added stress factor to it which I will not discuss... as it's on a more personal level... but it is sorted... for now... my full day has been taken up with this controversy...

Got home around 6.30pm... ish... I was very stressed... I seemed to take out my feelings on the world and back... yes, I know folks mean well... but to accept there help... within myself... will breed independence....which I can never accept... been 3 years on my own... I have to stay strong.. and not become reliant.... to be honest... it's an easy scope to accept... but I'm to determined not to.... I'm sorry if anyone that knows me... feels hurt, used or unappreciated... it's not meant...it's only me... in denial... and within this denial.... I will shut out the world and back... to survive... I have no choice..

In the past few hours.. I have shut out 2 very important people in my life.... I had to... and to be honest.... if they are true friends.... they will understand.. I'm not going to allow my health to deteriorate by compliance... when I need time out... I'll take it....regardless... of the circumstances... if you decline to speak to me afterwards... then the choice is yours...

IT'S ME THAT IS SERVING THIS SENTENCE.. NOT YOU!!!! 3 YEARS ILL AND STILL HERE... HOW WOULD YOU FEEL???

EXACTLY!!!!! YOU CAN ONLY SURMISE!!!! BUT JUDGEMENT IS STILL CAST....

TO BE HONEST... YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO CAST JUDGEMENT!!!!

ARE YOU IN MY SHOES????
ME THINKS NOT!!!
SO DON'T EVER!!!! CAST JUDGEMENT!!!!

YES.. I HAVE CAME ACROSS A GREAT DEAL OF NEGATIVITY!!!

BEEN CATEGORIZED AS IGNORANT... AS I LOSE TOUCH WITH PEOPLE... THEN RE-APPROACH THEM...

If I could keep contact... 24/7 with those that matter I would.... but within my illness... that is prohibited... and those that persist... to enter my lifestyle... are quickly dismissed... I have to... within this aspect... they are taking some of my time away from me... and I need all the time to myself that I can get... as every aspect of my work... caring for my son... seeing to my dogs.. has become too overwhelming... I seem to have no time for anything else....

 

19th November 2006...

Got up this morning at 8.15am.... yippee!!! I got a long lie.... it's the first in a long time... I let the dogs out.. stuck the kettle on and made myself a cuppa... needs must... haha!!! I needed my caffeine fix... I was as bright as a button when I got up... and this carried through most of the morning... I honestly think someone sneaked in last night... whilst I was sleeping... and wound me up!!!! I couldn't sit down... I just felt so energetic... and to be honest.. if you had asked me to run a marathon... I would have done it.... I just felt that I had to do something energetic.. strange!!!!!! so I decide to put my new found energy into something... worthwhile... my housework.. the place has been needing a thorough clean for a while... so I started downstairs.... every corner was cleaned... floors washed, dusting done... in fact I had the full downstairs cleaned before the women that comes to help me arrived.... we went upstairs... and together we cleaned my son's room... and hoovered... but it was done thoroughly... the woman... advised me... well as they do... to go and sit down for a while... but I still felt so energetic.... and I told her so... but.. she did remind me... I will pay for it tomorrow.... "Do I care?" Nope.... I didn't even want to think about it.... I was in cleaning mode!!!!!

After the woman left... I decided to clean out my cockatiels.. cage... that was badly needing done.... I looked at the time... it was 3.30pm... so I decided to put dinner on for my son... as I waited on it cooking... I cleaned and washed out all the kitchen cupboards.... 2 done... one more to go..... ooppss!!!! I didn't feel to great... I had a headache... my legs felt like lead.... and I felt sick and dizzy... rather than sitting down... I continued... at least the cupboards are clean now... sorted!!!!

I put my son's dinner out for him... made myself a cuppa... then sat down... I had to.... within ten minutes... I felt better.... all my symptoms... had passed... ok... now to get the dinner dishes washed..... so I washed the dishes... fed the dog's... got all the clothes ready for tomorrow... bathed my son... and washed my hair.... yippee!!!!! I'm finished!!!! Everything has been done... Today I feel that I have accomplished something.... it's not very often... that I get to feel this way... but today I do.... normally... ever little thing I do.. is a struggle... but today I got another taste of normality....

I suppose when I think it... I reached the top rung on the ladder today... and so far I'm still there... normally ever rung I manage to climb... there is always something that seems to kick me back down... the feeling of accomplishment... is far greater than the feeling of failure.... and whereas... when I look back on days like this... whilst I'm feeling poorly .. and struggling... I.. take the sense of failure... badly!!!! oh well....

Tomorrow.. isn't going to be a good day.... it's my aunts funeral... she is being buried at 11.30am... to be honest... I'm not looking forward to it.... I was going to go to the viewing today at the funeral parlour... but at the last minute... I declined.... I'll say my goodbyes tomorrow....

 

Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st

2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd