20th november 2006...

Today's funeral... turned out to be a celebration of life.. not the sadness.. of a loss... to be honest... I've never laughed at a funeral... until today.... my aunt in her days... was one of the most... hardy people that you would ever meet.. she constantly... hit my uncle.. over the head with a slipper... when he peeved her off.... used to be.. the manageress/bouncer... in a local pub.... she didn't suffer fools gladly... and to be honest... I remembered the day... when she bodily put my dad in a taxi... to be honest... he was a bit worse for wear through drink.... but she dealt with him... haha!! and many more.. that crossed her path... she was scared of no-one... until 3 years ago... then she became a shadow of her former self... literally...

There was a picture on display.. as we walked in... this was the aunt that we all remembered... and loved.... but still the love for her... was intact regardless... the picture... was just a reminder... of who she was.... and what we had forgotten... but it soon rung home... she had suffered for so long... battling cancer for the past 3 years... my tears today.. were of a selfish nature.. I missed her to bits... I had no regards for her happiness... but now... realisation... has taken place.. I'm happy for her.. she is now at rest... I shed my tears.. in private.. again earlier.... so.. as of now.. I'm all cried out...

Sorry to interrupt.... I just put my computer back on.. I've just realised that I'm not all cried out... such is life though... I honestly believe.. in the darkness.. and the silence of the night... we seem to gain to much thinking time.... yes... I grieved during the week... but today.. I seemed to celebrate... with everyone else.... but as of now.. I'm on my own... and.. I'm missing my aunt to bits.... I honestly wish... she was still here....

 

21st November 2006...

AARRRGGHH!!! MY HEAD IS BUZZING!!!!!!

Been online at the Argos site... trying to find some things for my son's xmas... enough is enough.... I'm never going to get this done... my lifestyle... needs routine!!! and this task is taking me away from it.... my head feels like cotton wool... and I'm feeling sick... it's funny how I always feel like that when I'm trying to concentrate on something.... i only wish that other circumstances.. could be shut down as easily as a webpage... then... everything would be sorted!!!

Previously... I had been given a task of reality... by my occupational health woman... I'm supposed to be online... and reserving some items.. for xmas... and tomorrow we are meeting... in town going for a coffee... then making a start to the xmas shopping.... I've contemplated canceling all week... but then.. I intentionally forgot about the full issue... but like every other issue that I have.... it eventually creeps up on me.... but instead of dealing with one issue at a time... I put it on a pile.. until the pile... gets so big.. that it tends to overspill... and instead of dealing with one issue.. I find that I'm having to deal with them all at once...

NO CAN DO!!!!!!!!!

I honestly just want to run away and hide..... I suppose issues like this.. and others.... make me to tend to wish that I was completely.. isolated.... There has become... of lately... an abundance of people... that are starting to push me to the limit.... I know.. that they all mean well.. and are trying to help.... but to be honest... the way I have been feeling lately.... I will eventualy seek refuge in my "glass cage" again... life was so much simpler then... I had nothing to prove... and no one to prove it to... I hid away... and my life seemed to be my own.... I didn't have to put a pretence... up front... and I was simply just left... to my own devices....

Tomorrow... I will go into town.... I need to... try... and I will face an hour of reality... ~shakes~ and if it fails... then I'm canceling every future hospital appointment that I have.... and I'm reverting back to my sanctuary.... my "glass cage"... I have to!!!

Yes.. my life does has flaws... tooooooo many to mention... but these flaws... have become my routine...

Yes... I do have a couple of beers at night.... every night to be exact.... but... this is my after 7.00pm... life... and to be honest... I seem to regain... well at least some of my cognitive skills.. back... I become.. pain free... and the cotton wool... in my head.. tends to disappear... I know that this isn't the answer... but what else can I do.... as in this site... I can write my pages on my diary... to be honest... I'm in wring mode.... I'm downloading my thoughts onto a website... as in the factual information... errrmm... that honestly becomes a struggle... it means that I have to think... well... on some issues... only.. the rest I know... been there wore the tee-shirt... and struggled!!!

I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.... AND I WANT IT BACK NOW!!!!

NO... I'M NOT GOING TO ADD TO THIS LIST ANYMORE.... BUT WHAT PEOPLE NORMALLY TAKE FOR GRANTED.... HAS BECOME SUCH A BIG MINUS IN MY LIFESTYLE!!!

 

22nd november 2006...

Today didn't turn out as stressful as expected.... but it had it's moments...

I met my occupational health woman as arranged... prior to us meeting... I decided to go for a walk around Woolworth's.... my initial thought was to pick up a few xmas presents for my son.. before her arrival.... I saw a few things that he wanted... so' as you do... you see what you want to buy... pick it up as you go along... then disaster struck... ooppss... my arms were to sore to carry the game that I had had picked up for him.... at this point I had only picked up one game... but I couldn't carry it... I had to put it back on the shelf... and leave... I saw one of those glow bears... on the shelf.. as I left... "I'll pick it up shortly" I thought to myself... and walked out of the shop.. and waited on the woman...

When she arrived.... I felt a bit stressed... so we went for a cuppa.... then went to tackle the shopping together.... I went to the computer shop.. and picked up an Nintendo D.S for my son... the chap was telling me about deals.. that were available... AAARRGGGHH!!! I took the first thing he told me about... I had to get out the shop.... I hid how I was feeling well though.... Next port of call.... Woolworth's.. I thought.... so we went to Woolworth's... I had a quick look around... I found another thing that my son had asked for... and I picked up a game that I had originally tried to get.... then remembered the glow bear.... no can do... the one that had been there previously.... had been sold.... I'll get it another day..... no worries.... complications.. arose... when I joined the long queue.. to pay for what I had.... I couldn't deal with it.... I felt suffocated as I had been stopped in my tracks.... but I had to wait.... by the time I got to the checkout... the woman seemed to be so slow... I just wanted to throw the money at her... and get out.... It was definately.... time to go home.... I had to....

After leaving Woolworth's... I was reminded that I still had Argos.. to go to.... NO WAY!!!!!! I WAS GOING HOME... NO CAN DO.... so as you do... excuses were made... and I got a lift home..... sorted!!!

I'll do Argos another day... OH NO!!! that means.. I need to do the online Argos again... to reserve.... I'll do it tomorrow....

I was told.. that I had carried my day out okay.... apart from the queue.. in Woolworth's.... the occupational health woman.. told me that we would work on that area.... I realised that I would have to... I told her that I was going to cancel our appointment... a million times... but at least I went....

SO WHERE WAS SHE.... AND HOW CAN SHE WORK ON WHAT SHE CANNOT SEE... AFTER A DAY OUT??????

My day out turned out to be a sacrifice on my health.... I was not only tired.... but I didn't feel too well at all... my routine had been broken completely.... on Wednesdays... I do try to pace myself.... it's my day off... I even manage to get a sleep in the afternoon... and later on... I will manage to get my hair washed... as I want to look presentable... for work on Thursday... no could do!!!

Yes... I had an ok.. day.. made a start to my sons.. xmas shopping... but it was at a price!!!

 

23rd november 2006...

Today has been a disaster.... since I woke up!!!! Just one of those days... I suppose... it didn't do me any favours... not having a chance to rest yesterday.... to be honest... I really had to recharge my batteries.... got up at 7.00am... as per usual... had my call from my mum... got breakfast.... etc... then took my son to school... my taxi arrived... took me to work.... OOPPSS!!! By the time I reached work... I wasn't feeling too great..... I tried to to my job regardless.... I pushed and pushed!!! I just honestly wanted to go home.... but financially I cannot lose my job.... yes!! I know... I'm putting my financial perspective before my health.... But I need to!!!!

By 11.30am.... to be honest.... I HAD ENOUGH....I was dropping everything that I had picked up... I was in a mess... I went for a quick tea break... and struggled for the rest of the day!!!!

My life just gets better and better!!!!!!

Not only was I struggling with my day.... but I was faced with negativity... regarding arranged breaks... from my checkout manageress.... it was now.. 1.15pm... I should have had a break at 12.30pm... but it seemed as if it wasn't to be.... I shouted her name... at 1.15pm... was blatantly ignored.... put my red light on at the checkout.. which is for assistance when required.... 15 mins... later... after I saw her looking... many a time... she never came... I was being ignored.... I had to eventualy ask another member of staff... if I could get my break.... it was now... 1.35pm... this member of staff approached the manageress... I could see from the distance that she was not a happy bunny... she then came to my till... told me that I could finish work... at 1.45pm.... and forget about my break... I told her no!!! by this point... I had to go!!!!! my breaks.. were questioned... as to who had arranged them... and I told her "personnel!!!"... I had to listen to a mouthful of negativity.... and with the aftermath of the conversation... THAT SHE WILL SEE ME LATER!!!!! bugger this... I can't deal with stress related factors.... and small minded people... I reported it to personnel... and yes... as I was leaving... the manageress... had been pulled into an office.... my working arrangements.... now comply... under the discrimination of disability act... (DDA) and I'm being undermined by one silly little girl... who was previously a checkout operator... the same as me... but unlike her... NO I WASN'T BORN WITH A SILVER SPOON IN MY MOUTH.... her dad is a director... of the company that I work for.... GET MY DRIFT!!!!! But to be honest.... if this negativity... within her... and her so called authority.... doesn't stop... I'm putting in a grievance.... she is not only not disregarding compliance... by her peers... she is also disregarding the rules... of the (DDA)

SINCE WHEN DID SHE BECOME A LAW UPON HERSELF?????

I wonder....as every action... has a consequence.... and if she carries on this way... she might meet a consequence... that she did not invite.... she is breaking the law.... and will be therefore.. dealt with in a matter accordingly..... as I will... make this issue public knowledge!!!! by taking it to the relevant authorities...

Well you do know.. what they say... maturity comes with age.... and maybe one day when she gets older... she will realise... as of now... she is nothing but a silly little girl!!!

 

24th November 2006...

Yippee!!! I'm off work today.... but I have so many things to do... unfortunately.. my day is taken up once again....

Maybe.. so... but the truth of the matter is... yes... after taking my son to school... I came home... and sat down.. the woman that helps with the housework arrived at 10.45am.. by this point I had made a start to getting tidied up.... I wasn't at my best today... I had planned that once she left... I was going into town... I had an appointment and things that needed done... instead.... I settled down for a sleep... I had to.... I was worn out..... I think I slept for an hour or so.... then my friend Colin arrived... he was taking my son, to my daughters.... for the weekend...

We went... picked my son up from school... then on a sudden impulse... I asked to be taken into the town... my son needed a new pair of trainers.. he has done now for at least 4 weeks.... no matter I have bought them now... so, brave me.. pushed the issue and decided to go clothes shopping... ooppss!!!! that was a definate stress... factor... but I got there.. as always... I'm a martyr.... I will always put anothers needs.. first.. and suffer the consequences later.... especially when it it the needs of my son... he is more important to me than life itself... and will be first and foremost... regardless....

For today.... needs must will have to reign... that I have accomplished.... at least now.. my son has a decent pair of trainers... which will not leave his feet wet... especially with the weather that we have been subjected to as of late.... that's another worry... been taken from me....

So as for now... I need to go... I've jeopardized my health issues.... once again.. ooppss.... once I have a sleep.... I'll be better....

 

 

Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st

2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd