30th November 2006...
Sorry 6 days.. missed diary entries... I cannot deal with... I suppose... those missed days in my diary will have to remain personal... as they should be....
This site.. is for others... and I will continue... although... I have been let down.. i will not let down others.... regardless.. of previous.. statements.... by others... those statements... whether in the heat of anger.. loss.. should not have been on my site.. regardless... but hey... what can i do??? whereas.. a reliance is formed.... in the way.. of my site... i need to depend... whereas.. you do also... we all have weakness.. and we all have those that seem to be in control of that situation... who make judgment... and seem to feel as if their needs... are of the utmost importance... I only wish that I were in their shoes....
NO-ONE WILL TOTALLY UNDERSTAND???
Yes.. I hide a lot.. as in the case I'm always fine.... they are words... I have learned a long time.. to rattle these words of...
But recently... after exceeding.. my 7.00pm.. curfew... I have struggled... It has taken me 3 days to recover....
NOT GOOD!!!
But life is never compliant.... I should know... I've suffered it first hand...
I had an appointment at the physiotherapist.. on Tuesday.... I ended up in tears... graded exercise.... again!!!! sorry no can do.. I have a 7 year old son to look after.. and work... I'm supposed to find a base level... of activity... whereas... I'm not struggling...
WHEN ???
WHERE ???
HOW ???
Lets be realistic.... I'm a single parent... trying my best.. my son has to be looked after... I did stress this issue... but I was dismissed with a provisional appointment... for the 27th of December... only if I'm compliant....
With a reminder.. if I am ill.. I go to the doctor... then the doctor sends.. me to people like her....
Yes.. it's a vicious circle.... and I can't escape....
1st December 2006...
as of today... I'm returning to my ~glass cage~ whereas.. contentment is suffice...
I will peer out at the wonders.. of life... and be protected from the misfortunes...
I'm lucky.. in the aspect.. that I do not have to deal with them...
my battle with life.. no longer exists.. I will never gain the title.. of heroism...
my white flag is fluttering in the wind... can't you see it???
I,m not a hero.. just a human being... and I'll relate back to my previous position in life...
acceptance????
~sigh~
2nd December 2006...
today has been a busy one...
workwise.. I'm struggling... aarrrgghh!!!
no worries.. it'll soon be bedtime..
bliss!!!
then I can again dream... of a life, so complete... fairytales, only exist there...
goodnight.. and sweet dreams..
3rd December 2006...
Yipp!! I'm still struggling the aftermath of yesterday..... today.. my son has a xmas party to go to later.... at 1.30pm... I have already arranged transport.... thankfully.... otherwise.. he wouldn't get there....
I got up early.. and made a start to getting the house tidied.. the women.. that helps me to get my housework done... arrived at 11.45am... she was in shock... when she arrived.. for the first time... in 3 months.. she saw me for how I am... ill!!! I was really struggling.... she tidied up.. and offered to take me to the party.... but I explained that my sister was coming... she helped me look out clothes... for myself..... so that I could get dressed... yip.. I know.. I'm know that I'm heading for another bad relapse... what can I do???
EXACTLY!!!!! NOTHING!!!!!!
I took my son to the party.... via a lift from my sister... she picked both of us up again.. then I spent a while at her house.....
NO, I WASN'T GOOD.... BUT I HID IT WELL.. OR SO I THOUGHT!!!!
She commented around 6.00pm... that I looked like someone had drained every bit of energy from me... she was right... I was stuck on her settee.... I couldn't get up.. so I had to ask for help.... I WAS WELL EMBARRASSED.... NEVER AGAIN!!!!
still trying to hide.... remembering that I had been caught.. I asked for a lift home....
Her partner.. took me home in the car..... by the time I got home.. I was so ill.. I was shaking... feeling sick.... and in a lot of pain... but I was on my own turf... and alone... no-one saw me.. in that state.....
Tonight.. no.. I didn't have a beer to deal with it.... well maybe just one.. but no more.... I gave up.... my speech.. was slurred once again.... I honestly.. couldn't string a speech together... if I tried... and yes .. I did practice....
I give up!!!!!! I'm going to bed!!!!
I need to dream.. that my existence.. is a dream... otherwise.... I'll go crazy... to be honest who could possibly live with that existence... and still be sane....
~answer~
ME... SO FAR!!!! BUT I'M STARTING TO FEEL DEFEATED!!!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
