4th December 2006...

Today I realised... work + health = disaster...

One of them have to give...

So for the near future... I'm taking time of work... I have to...

I'm escaping from my vicious circle... as of now!!

I'm only a number at work.. I can be replaced at any time...

my health cannot be replaced....

As of now.. that comes first....

 

5th December 2006...

Today.. is not a good one.. got up this morning.. and I was struggling to get to the kitchen... NOT GOOD!!!

I felt dizzy and sick... and my legs felt like jelly... I had such a bad headache... Yeah.. I took 2 paracetamol.. they didn't work... I felt completely washed out!!!!

I managed to take my son to school... but after the 10 minute walk... I was floored....

Everything that has been going on my life lately... has taken it's toll... again!!!!!

I'm afraid that the rest of today.. will be spent on the couch... I have to... I just feel so weak... maybe I will feel better tomorrow..

Tonight.. I'm taking time out... and an early night... and I'm not having my usual couple of beers... to help....

WHAT IS THE POINT!!!!!!

(written 6th December)

 

6th December 2006...

So much for the rest.. yesterday... this morning I do not feel any better.... I still feel so weak...

I looked in the mirror earlier... and I didn't like the reflection that stared back at me... I looked as if I had aged overnight.. I look drawn... my eyes are heavy.. and pale... I look as someone has drawn every aspect.. of my facial character.. away from me....

I had the hospital again today... physio.. and the occupational therapist.... to be honest... as if I wasn't tired enough... I felt worse.. afterwards....

I was practicing.. heights.. today... stairs.. as well.. in these areas.. since last December... I haven't been competent in... I just do not know why.... the physio had a little staircase... with 5 small stairs.. on one side.. a so called platform.. in the middle.. and 3 large chunky stairs at the other side.... I was asked.. to climb the stairs... then after I got to the middle platform... I raced back down the other side.... she didn't have to ask how I felt... she could see in in my face.... I didn't feel too good afterwards... but.. hey.. I'm a glutton for punishment.. I tried again.. ooppss!!! same thing happened.... I was told to stop... enough is enough... but I will not let it beat me.... no chance!!!!

Thinking back.. on my stairs at home.. yip!! I have problems with them also.... I have "no stair days"... and eventualy, when I get up them... I think it's a race to get to the top... then once I get there.. and stay upstairs.. for a prolonged.. period of time... this is how I feel... I have to get back down....

And yes.... I have pushed my luck... and managed to climb the staircase in the past.... but I was stuck!!! I couldn't get back down.... silly me... I suppose know.. that's why I'm over cautious... I have to be!!!

At the moment... I feel.. well.. with my battle of C.F.S. that I'm in no mans land... I'm too tired to fight.. I have given up... I have just realised... that my body has given up the fight also!!!!

Both of us... need to rest!!!!

We win some... we lose some.. and unfortunately... my circumstances at the moment.. are the latter!!!

 

7th December 2006...

Today... has been no better healthwise... I still feel so weak... it's taking me what seems like 10 years.. to do anything.... I'm really starting to get peeved of...

TELL ME??? WHO NEEDS TO REST AFTER PUTTING THE KETTLE ON FOR A CUP OF TEA???

ANSWER... WELL ME AT THE MOMENT... SUCH IS LIFE THOUGH..

Yes.. it is getting to me... big time...

I had visitors.. today, my sister came.. and my friend... both commented on how bad I looked... aarrgghh!!!! my sister took me to the shop... for milk.. etc... both her and my friend.. stayed for a couple of hours... I was struggling... but I tried not to let it show... I'm not that kind of person.... I will never.. ever make someone feel unwelcome... regardless....

I had arranged with another friend to pick my son up from school.. bring him home.. then I would get him ready for football practice... 3.17pm.. I recieved a fonecall... my friend was keeping my son.. at her house.. and she was getting him ready there.... I was so glad... I was floored... at that point.. I was no use to anyone.... I said thank you... and went to sleep... for half an hour...

I went to the doctors.. at 4.30pm... I was signed off work for 28 days... well for now anyway.... my boss.. aint happy... I realised tonight.. that although.. I'm off for 28 days... I will only be paid for 24 days... oh well!!!! My personnel manager asked me... what I'm planning to do... via... my job????? at the moment.. I can't even think that far ahead.... once.. I manage.. to take my son to school... in the morning.. and manage to return.. at 3.00pm... to pick him up... rather than getting others to do.. the 3.00pm.. pick up... I will maybe manage to get back to work.... I will force myself... "financially" I have to!!! But as of now... yes, I have given up!!! I do not care... about anything... why should I????

I'M TOO TIRED TO FIGHT!!!!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!

At the end.. of the day... exercise... exhaberates... C.F.S!!!

So no more... the constant battle to survive... is more tiring than excercise....

After all... I'm meant to be doing a graded excercise...

Activity... then rest...

So I think... putting the kettle on... then rest is equivalent... don't you think??

I've definately had enough.... this isn't a life... it is easy enough for others to comment.... but they are not trying to live my life....

Yes... I've been known to be a strong... dependable person... and it was commented when I said that I had enough... that it wasn't like me.... nobody.. knows me.. they only know me through.. what I care to share.... but a good friend sent me this song.. I have played it constantly... since.... yes.. it is an inspiration... but I have followed it for 3 years... but what can you do... once admittance has set in????

BUT FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS... THIS SONG HAS HAUNTED ME!!!!!

I've always.. been strong... self sufficient... and determined... and I'm also lucky... in the concept.. that I have many friends.. who love and care about me....

But yes!!! as of now.. I have shut everyone out.... regardless... of what they tell me...

There voices.. seem to echo in the wind...

They are not living my life....

But still... this song disturbs me....

DON'T GIVE UP... (LYRICS)

In this proud land we grew up strong
We were wanted all along
I was taught to fight, taught to win
I never thought I could fail

No fight left or so it seems
I am a man whose dreams have all deserted
I've changed my face, I've changed my name
But no one wants you when you lose

Don't give up, 'cause you have friends
Don't give up, you're not beaten yet
Don't give up, I know you can make it good

Though I saw it all around
Never thought that I could be affected
Thought that we'd be last to go
It is so strange the way things turn

Drove the night toward my home
The place that I was born, on the lakeside
As daylight broke, I saw the earth
The trees had burned down to the ground

Don't give up, you still have us
Don't give up, we don't need much of anything
Don't give up, 'cause somewhere there's a place where we belong

Rest your head
You worry too much
It's gonna be alright
When times get rough
You can fall back on us
Don't give up, please don't give up

Got to walk out of here I can't take anymore
Gonna stand on that bridge keep my eyes down below
Whatever may come and whatever may go
That river's flowin', that river's flowin'

Moved on to another town
Tried hard to settle down
For every job, so many men
So many men no-one needs

Don't give up 'cause you have friends
Don't give up, you're not the only one
Don't give up, no reason to be ashamed
Don't give up, you still have us

Don't give up now, we're proud of who you are
Don't give up, you know it's never been easy
Don't give up, 'cause I believe there's a place,
There's a place where we belong

(Peter gabriel @ Kate bush.. Don't give up!!)

Here is a sad love story.. and painful memories.. memories... of how.. my existence.. used to be....until such time... my illness... made me give all that up!!!!

Just maybe... one day.. I will succeed....

My illness... has maybe taken away my future.... but my memories.. stay intact....

But once upon a time... in the land of memories... a future.. will entail... and I will live happily ever after.....

 

8th December 2006...

I'm so glad today Is over... it has been hectic!!!! but at least a few things.. have been accomplished... my friend' my sister and her partner.. came to help today... my living room was needing cleared out.. and the old laminate.. lifted.. the fitter Is coming on Sunday to put down the new flooring... at the moment.. the house Is a mess.. well especially my bedroom.. I can't get In.. haha!!! it Is full of things.. from the living room.... no worries.. it'll be well worth it when it's finished... and I couldn't have managed without the help... I honestly.. really appreciated it.

My curtains... have been taken down... windows cleaned... and the curtains are back up.... and I had a new suite.. delivered earlier... looking good!!!! my sister took my old one.. at least that Is one less thing that I need to trip over.... I had no space to store it anyway...

At least after Sunday.. the house will be back to normal... here's hoping.... I just need to get back to normality.... been a busy day.... no... I didn't do much.. In fact to be honest... I was appointed the royal tea/coffee maker... at least I managed to do something...

Anyway.. I'm going to have to cut my diary short tonight... it was to much hard work... supervising... I'm washed out.... another early night has to be In order...

take care x

 

Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st

2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd