12th December 2006...
Just a short update..
The time that I have taken off from work.. has been beneficial... but to be honest.. no!! I do not feel any better for it... every day seems to have been hectic... what with the house getting put back in order... although to be honest... I didn't do much.. I had plenty of help... at least things are organized now.. ~phew~
I have to be honest.. taken time out.. I had to... my life was starting to take a downward spiral... I had to escape... from now on.. I look after number 1.. me!!
I have been calling it a night lately... around 7.00pm... I had no strength left to do anything.... an early night was in order or so I thought... but I have been lying on the couch.. until at least 10.00pm.. struggling to get some sleep... and even when I do... my quality of sleep is very poor.... now... I remember why I started to have a couple of cans of beer... firstly to combat the side effects of C.F.S.. and secondly.. it helped me sleep...
Now I really am going cold turkey!!!!
In the past 4 days... I'm lucky if I have had a full can... in fact on 2 of those days.. I didn't have at least a sip.... but tonight.. yeah... I'm having a beer... hence the diary entry.... but an early night.. has still got to be in order.... I have the hospital tomorrow.... but to be honest... in the last few days... I can defiantly say...
I HAVE CFS!!!!!
The other symptoms... seem to be lying low.... at the moment... but.. I am really fatigued... the slightest bit of activity... is wearing me out.... and I need to rest....
anyway... I'll catch up on my diaries soon..
take care x
13th December 2006...
Once upon a dream
In the land of fairytales
Where every story ends with
and they all lived happily ever after
There was a princess
secluded in a tower
She wished that she
Could be set free.Many a noble knight tried
Riding their gallant steed
They approached the fortress
Only to find that the walls
Were indestructible
Every time a crack appeared
The wall became strongerThe princess began to weary
"Please let me out"
But her cries seemed to fall
On deaf ears
But soon realisation set in
Her fairytale seemed to differ
Instead of living happily
Ever afterShe had realised that whilst
Shutting out reality
She had unknown to her
Shut out her future
Happiness is an aspect of realityThe princess unknown to her
Had become her own jailor
She had imprisoned herself
Within the walls
For now she lives within her own
Fairytale
whereas no hurt nor sadness
Will entail
it will always be denied
Entry
and happiness... will remain only within her hopes and dreamsthis is a fairytale with a difference
The above... is a concept of reality... think about it.. if we shut out so many people they stop trying... I know... before anything is said... we are to consumed with our own lives to include anyone else's... we look at ourselves and find it hard to deal with anything else... "no one understands me" I have done that one a million times.... we relish the tendency to shut everyone out... if we can't understand things... how can we expect anyone else to?
TO BE HONEST IT BECOMES A VICIOUS CIRCLE...
Yes, I tend to dream about my past... and I remember how I used to work every hour that god sent.... and go out Saturday nights.... but that's all it is... a dream... but hey, maybe that dream will come true.... time will tell...
AS FOR THE PAST 3 YEARS I HAVE BEEN ASLEEP...
I AM CONTENT... APART FROM MY RECURRING DREAMS...
Within these dreams... I am well...
but just maybe... it'll come true.. for now I will sleep in hope... that I dream.... and I will awaken from this horrible nightmare
EVANESCENCE LYRICS
"Bring Me To Life"
how can you see into my eyes like open doors
leading you down into my core
where I’ve become so numb without a soul my spirit sleeping somewhere cold
until you find it there and lead it back home(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve becomenow that I know what I’m without
you can't just leave me
breathe into me and make me real
bring me to life(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve becomeBring me to life
(I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside)
Bring me to lifefrozen inside without your touch without your love darling only you are the life among the dead
all this time I can't believe I couldn't see
kept in the dark but you were there in front of me
I’ve been sleeping a thousand years it seems
got to open my eyes to everything
without a thought without a voice without a soul
don't let me die here
there must be something more
bring me to life(Wake me up)
Wake me up inside
(I can’t wake up)
Wake me up inside
(Save me)
call my name and save me from the dark
(Wake me up)
bid my blood to run
(I can’t wake up)
before I come undone
(Save me)
save me from the nothing I’ve become(Bring me to life)
I’ve been living a lie, there’s nothing inside
(Bring me to life)
14th December 2006...
As of today's diary... I have had a busy day ~yawn~ I'm exhausted... so I'm afraid tonight's diary... will have to wait until tomorrow... but one thing I will say... is congratulations to me!!!
I am a grandmother once again... a wee girl
15th December 2006...
Well mother and baby are doing fine... but wish I could say the same about granny... I'm shattered... it has been a long and busy day.... I had a hospital appointment again today... with the occupational therapist.. not only was my occupational therapist there.. but the community occupational therapist was there also... I was asked to describe my difficulties within the home environment...
NOW WHERE EXACTLY DO I START????
I'm so sick of being asked questions... I am not mentally equipped to answer them... I sit in a daze... and the answers run around within my head... I do not know where to start... so instead of addressing the situation at hand... I found myself.. telling them I was fine again... but I was not fine... which was shortly noticed by the O.T.. the community O.T left the room... but before hand made an appointment to visit me at my home... during the week... she suggested that I obtain more suitable housing... as in a a one level house... sorry no can do... I have spent to much money on the interior of my house... and I will not walk away and leave it... I could never take on 5 jobs.. again to redo what I'm expected to walked away from....
YES I KNOW... IT IS MATERIALISTIC.... BUT AT THE MOMENT... IT IS MY COMFORT ZONE AND I TAKE PRIDE IN IT!!!
I'M SO FED UP!!!
As of now... I am supposed to be focusing on my future plans... and activities...
What do I want out of life??
What areas do I want to work on.. to improve my life style???
What social activities do I want to undertake??
What role within the workplace.. do I feel that I can manage??
At the moment the choice of all of the above has been taken from me... yes, I want to go for a night out socially with friends... I want to be able to cook a proper meal again... maybe get to the gym.. take up horse riding.. be able to walk my dogs... and be able to do a day's work...come home and still do what is expected from me...
MY HEAD IS TELLING ME ONE THING... AND MY BODY ANOTHER!!!
~QUESTION~
Would you honestly.. make time... and plan to go out.. and do something which later on.. would result in your inability to function ??
ME THINKS NOT!!!
16th December 2006..
Granny Linda... the superhero... well worked at the time... I have been at my daughters house most of the day... with the arrival of the new baby.. things were in turmoil... it takes time to get in to a routine... and as every mother does at this particular point in time.... is to help as much as they can... and that I did.. I helped with the kids.... and tidied the house... I'm exhausted... I think I have taken to much out of myself today.... got back home at 7.30pm... aaarrgghh!!!! I had to feed my dogs, get my son to bed... to be honest I just wasn't coping to well... I started shouting at everyone... including the dogs... if I let them out once for the toilet... I must have let them out a thousand times... poor Colin... yipp!!! he got the brunt of it again.... sorry... but I just needed everyone away from me... the poor wee soul had went out of his way.. to pick me up from my daughters.. and bring me home... I didn't even give him a chance to enjoy his coffee before he left... but his help was appreciated...
To be honest, the last few nights... I have been so noise sensitive that it starting to drive me crazy.... ~slaps herself~ errrmm... well the last few days... if I'm being totally honest... this morning in particular.... I feel as if every noise.. to the cockatiel chirping... the dogs walking on the laminate... to even my son making a noise in his room.. is echoing in my head.... it is driving me crazy... I can't stand it!!!!
BUT WHAT CAN I DO???
This sensitivity is even starting to block out my favourite pastime...
My music!!!!!
I'm putting on some of the music tracks that I love... and I have to turn them of.... not good... I have even contemplated selling my dogs... Sasha to be the first... she does not stop pacing.... round and round and round... pitter patter pitter patter... I can't stand it!!!!!
WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME???
Opppss!!!! I just remembered...
I HAVE C.F.S!!!!!!!
17th December 2006...
As a whole.. today hasn't been to bad... I even managed to get a long lie in this morning... yippee!!! I seemed to spend the first part of the morning on the phone... I honestly think the world and it's uncles wanted to talk to me this morning... but after a while.. I felt it was getting to much.. I had to ignore the phone for a while... brain fog was starting to creep up on me...
NO CAN DO... NOT TODAY!!!!
I had promised my son that we would put the xmas decorations up... and I wasn't letting him down..
My head soon cleared.. the women that helps me get the house tidied arrived at 11.30am... between us the house got tidied rather quickly... after she left I sat down for a while.. I had contemplated going into the town for a while... but I knew that I was pushing my luck... so I left it... I got ready and went to the local shop... I had a few things that I had to get... when I got home.. me and my son started to put the decorations up... I put the lights on the windows... let him decorate his bedroom... and we put lights on the weeping willow tree that is in the front garden... it looks great... as in the xmas tree.. errrmm.. I'm afraid that I gave it a miss this year.. I just found it too hard to deal with... no worries... I had a better plan anyway... I had been looking in town for the fiber optic.. branches... I thought that they would have done this year... well for a change anyway... but I couldn't find what I was looking for... so I remembered that I had a kind of... bamboo arrangement... in my bedroom... it is quite tall... so out of the room it came.. and it's now sitting in it's glory in the living room... with fairy lights on it... it honestly looks amazing.... well done me!!! haha!!!
I felt a bit sick.. around 6.30pm... "Oh no" I thought... "I've caught that sick bug that has been going about" my stomach was really sore... and at one point I thought that I was going to be sick... I sat in the toilet... just in case.. for around half an hour... but I wasn't sick... a short while later... my head started to hurt... and my glands began to swell... "I know this one" more C.F.S symptoms... well at least I knew that I wasn't contagious... it's the last thing that I need to catch... most of my friends.. and their kids have had... and I have so far.. avoided all contact with anyone that has had it ... like the plague... I have to!!!
Tomorrow... I have a physio.. appointment.. but I have just realised.. that it is my son's xmas concert tomorrow... and that I cannot miss.. he will be so disappointed if I do not turn up... so I'll need to phone the rehabilitation centre first thing tomorrow... and remake my appointment for another day... oh well!!! I would say.. needs must... but within my circumstances... my son always comes first...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
