26th December 2006...
Sorry folks.. I took a break... well it was xmas after all... haha!! things have been pretty hectic... aarrrgghh!!!! no worries.. at least we might get back some normality within our lives.. well here is hoping anyway.... fingers and toes crossed...again!!!
Well I'm skint... as if I wasn't skint enough before xmas... oh well... I have a week to decide what I'm doing... job wise... I've had a good few days... healthwise... but today... I feel as if my luck is beginning to run out... I even managed a night out on Saturday with my friend... it was just the local pub... but to be honest.. I was a bit scared walking the ten minutes.. that it takes me to get there... bearing in mind, I have done it so many times... in the past... no worries though... I got there... yippee!!!! it turned out to be a nice night... and I'm glad that I went... to be honest.. it was a taste of normality...
WHY CAN'T THINGS BE NORMAL ALL THE TIME??? IT ISN'T A GREAT DEAL TO ASK... IS IT???
But what is normality??? we all have different expectations... and never seem to be satisfied.. with our "jobs lot" we all seem to think that the grass is greener on the other side... I personally... intend to find out... there must be a life out there... I'm not going to settle for a sheer existence... why should I???
I was asked a question yesterday... as per usual... my daughter and her partner were fighting.... he works... 24/7 and tries to sleep the rest... she has 2 kiddies.. one at just over a year old.. and a newborn... at the moment.. she feels as if she is getting no help... and her partner feels as if.. he is being asked to do to much... work... plus take care of the kids... it is beginning to cause conflict... BIG TIME!! I was asked... bearing in mind... I have a job, a son at 7, 3 Yorkshire terriers to take care of... and a house to run... and I have C.F.S and seemingly... well in his eyes... anyway... seem to cope... why can't my daughter cope with 2 kids.. and a house...
He hasn't a clue.....
Firstly... well ... I'm not my daughter.... I'm to determined....
And secondly... if I were in her position.. working or not... then I would expect help from my partner...
It takes 2 to make a family... and whether she is getting paid or not... she is working just as hard as him... maybe.. one day he will realise... and as for me... I'm just a gluten for punishment....
YES... I KNOW.. I'M MY OWN WORSE ENEMY... I'LL NEVER LEARN!!!!!
27th December 2006...
Today.. I had another hospital appointment... I didn't know that getting leaflets... on C.F.S made me better... ~SIGH~ no worries.. I have put them in a safe place.. text book scenarios... do not work.. if it did.. I'd be better by now... and so would a million other people... I'm really peeved of... tell you what!!! try to prove me wrong... the next time you are ill... concentrate on positive thoughts... exercise... at a level that you feel comfortable with... without exertion... take up some activities... some shopping at least... or maybe a walk in the park...
WHATEVER!!!! Yes... I have made up my mind.. on the prognosis... maybe I'm just stupid... me thinks not!!!!
Over the last 3 years.. I have tried everything... and I'm still ill...
I spoke to my physiotherapist today... we have agreed to put physiotherapy on hold... to be honest... she can't work with me... firstly... because of the C.F.S my symptoms tend to vary...and secondly... every time she tries some sort of exercise regime... I get tired... she had a while ago... cut my appointments down to half an hour... because she could see that I wasn't coping...
I'm starting to get lost in the system again... no worries... I'll just have to continue the "Linda" way... to be honest... no it doesn't help... but at least I've not been given a false sense of recovery... that I can deal with... I will continue to muddle on... I have no other choice... but to be fair... I'm always open to suggestions...
28th December 2006...
The best laid plans... errmm.... whatever!!!
Today I had planned to relax... no such luck... I'm very stressed today... all I wanted to do was to sit down.. I was so tired... but no!!! I got all the housework done earlier in the morning... the plan was to sit down after that.. so I went through the kitchen to make a cup of tea... I had just made it when my son came through with his test tube alien... by the time I got it out the box... read the instructions.. helped it give birth... (honestly) and fed it... my tea was cold... so I made a fresh cup then went to sit down.. at this point I was being subjected to the Simpson's.. . no worries.. my son was happy... I settled down on the couch.. and was just drifting of to sleep.. when I heard a bang.. from the kitchen... he had dropped a full cup of juice all over the floor... aarrgghh!!! not only was my floor covered in juice... my 6 week old puppy was also covered in juice... so I had a floor to clean.. and a pup to wash...
Finally... I managed to get sat down... yippee!!! or so I thought.. I had just drifted of to sleep when the phone rang... I ignored it... then it rung again... no sooner had it stopped when my mobile started to ring... I had to answer it... it was my daughter.. her and her partner are still not talking... the rest of the day... has went from bad to worse... the dogs are pacing the floors... constantly... I must have let them out at least every 5 minutes.. the phone hasn't stopped.. what with one person or another... I'm just really tired.. and I need a break... roll on bedtime!!!!!
29th December 2006...
Today was eventful to say the least... my son got a new computer for xmas... but he wanted the internet on it... oh dear... ~gulp~ I had been putting this of... I had a router to install on my computer first... and I wasn't sure how to do it... no worries... I'll manage... ~gulp~ I think.... anyways... an hour or so later... success... now to do the easy part.. or so I thought... haha!!! I just had to set up my son's computer...
An hour or so later upstairs I went... it was stressing me out... aarrgghh!!! Internet Explorer would not work... no worries... Colin came to the rescue... ~phew~ whilst I was waiting on Colin coming.. my friend Julie arrived... and five minutes or so later... so did Colin...
He went upstairs... and within half an hour... everything was up and running... and my son spent most of the day.. wanting to talk to me and Julie.. on M.S.N.. I had added me as a contact on his list... we amused him for around and hour... until it was dinner time... enough is enough... haha!!!
I was still feeling very sore yesterday... especially down my right side.. it hurt when I touched it... and as the day got on... I began to feel worse... by the time 6.00pm came.. I honestly was struggling... and by 7.00pm.. I had enough... I needed time out... I asked Julie to go home... and shouted Colin also... I needed a break... whilst Colin was getting ready to leave... Julie passed a comment on how tired I was looking... if only... I was ill... I really find it hard to be sociable when I'm not feeling to good... and trust me... by this point... my hostility had run out...
There is something that really gets to me though... people who think that they have an understanding... of how I feel... firstly... it,s a case of I'm really tired... and I need to be left alone... and secondly.. those that want to be there to help.. yes, I'm grateful... and I do appreciate it... at times... but I can only deal with this aspect.. in little pieces... there is nothing I can do about it... it is who I am... and those around me.. will just need to understand... there heart is in the right place... but I need to be selfish... and deny it... I'm more important... I need me time.. to try and get better...
30th December 2006...
Do you know something??? there are two Linda's... within my lifestyle... what one would you like to get to know???
Errmm... let me guess... the first one... I bet... hey no worries... I like that Linda also... hey... have you met her??? I have.. she is one of the nicest person... that you'll ever know... what was that you asked??? tell you about her!!! ok I will...
Firstly.. she is a survivor... she tends to try and overachieve in life... well why not??? she is a single parent.. with a 7 year old son... and a daughter at 20... who she loves very much... she loves to go out and socialize... and has many friends... who trust her with there life... she has a beautiful house... 3 Yorkshire terriers... which she walks every day.... she works.. every hour that god sends... and is always helping others... whenever they have a problem... she is the first one there... her hobbies.. are music... horse riding... and she likes to write poetry... she can be a bit observant of people when she first meets them... and due to this... some people do not take to her first time... but once they get to know her... they have found a very dear and valued friend... she can be a good laugh... but has a sarcastic nature about her... but she can be funny... at the moment... she has been single for 4 years... but still seeks the fairytale.... don't we all... she is a grandmother... of 2 granddaughters....who she loves very much...
Sorry... I didn't quite hear what you said there???
Right... I've got you...
Yes... I'll tell her that you said hi.....
The second Linda... well...
She caught the flu... 3 years ago... and never got better... now she is struggling... she tries to imitate the first Linda... but constantly falls flat on her face.... she constantly shuts the world out... that has became her safety blanket.... she is constantly taking time of work... as she can't cope... has cut her working day down to 16 hours... well that's when she can get there.... she tends to dismiss the people that care about her... as she has to be selfish... to make her feel better... she can't have a lengthy conversation with you.. as it tires her out to much.... she is constantly... having a couple of beers at night.. to relieve her of her symptoms... if and when... you can have.. a "royal visit"... so to speak... you need to leave at 7.00pm.. or she tells you to go... she will ignore the phone at night... if you want to speak to her... as she cannot deal with a telephone conversation.... her life seems to be tied up with hospital appointments... hey.. good luck to her.. I hope they are helping...
Sorry... I didn't quite hear what you said there???
Right... I've got you....
Yes... I will tell her that you are sorry to hear that....
31st December 2006...
Tonight... I have been thinking of the past year... reflecting on what has been going on within my life... to be fair it hasn't been a good one... although on a more positive note... this year I have met a very dear and trusting friend... and at least now, I'm starting to show some positivity.... and taking some control of other people who think that they can look down on others... and intimidate them... as of now... no more...
I'm in control!!!.... well on the outside anyway....
If I need to live a mere existence... it will be mine and mine alone... there is no room for others to enter my world and make it anymore dismal than it already is...
Life is a precious gift!!!! and the ugliness of life itself is hatched by others... every one of us struggles to survive.. each with there own problems... but determination will always suffice... it's only the small minded and those who have placed themselves on a pedestal in life.. [or think that they have]... that seem to think that they are above others... but believe me.. within their little bouts of solitary.. even they realise that their life is a facade... but admittance on their part is difficult.. they are so full of self denial, that decency will never prosper within...
Anyway... tomorrow is a fresh start to a fresh year.... fingers and toes crossed that it will be a better one... I will be well again...
Today.. I have well... for a nice change... been "normal" and... regardless of how I feel later... I'm going out... NO!!!!! not to celebrate the New Year.... but the end of this one!!!
Maybe next year... I will be in the position to celebrate the New Year as it will have been a better one.. after all.. there is a much STRONGER... MORE DETERMINED... Linda... stepping into the next year....
Anyway folks... Happy New Year and all the best for 2007....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
