22nd January 2007...
Today... I challenged the medical profession... well the local G.P anyway... what's the point... if they can't determine what is wrong medically then you are depressed... but today.. I was prepared... I took a list of symptoms to the doctors with me... I wanted answers....
Why am I constantly suffering various symptoms of illnesses that I do not have..
headaches..
sore throats.
dizziness..
shaking episodes...
pain across my whole body..feeling as if everything around me isn't real.. as if I'm in a different planet...
inability to string a sentence together.. and at times can't hold a conversation as it makes me feel sick.. dizzy and horrible.. and the effort of trying to do this makes me feel really tired..
memory problems... forgetting things... confusion... short attention span...
inability to walk as it feels as if my legs won't hold my weight and sometimes they give way beneath me for no apparent reason... combined with pain.. whilst I'm walking.. to the extent that I have found myself trying to shift the weight from one leg to the other.. or i have found myself limping..
if i sit in the one place for too long, even 15 minutes or so, my body feels as if it stiffens up and I have a lot of pain all over my body... and I have to try and move myself... this also happens during the night when I'm trying to get some sleep too...
periodically dropping things as my arms just won't take the weight of even the lightest thing...
lack of concentration... when I try to concentrate, even on the slightest thing, I feel all shaky inside, sick, have hot flushes, my head feels like cotton wool...
one minute I'm experiencing sweating episodes, and the next minute I feel very cold and I'm shivering...
when I'm out in the cold... all my fingers turn white and go numb...
extreme tiredness at the slightest activity...
This is what I have to deal with on a daily basis...
Sorry... guess what I'm depressed.... whatever!!!!! I challenged him on his knowledge of CFS... but he was not to forthcoming... instead he basically tried to put a label on the full CFS scenario... as depression... not good... he hasn't a clue... I told him whilst there were people out there who dismissed this.. what chance do we have... I told him that there are millions of people out there including young children.. who have to live with this everyday.... what really got me.. was that he asked me who made the diagnosis... I gave him the required information... but I did tell him that I felt as if there was an underlying cause... for my symptoms getting worse... and I demanded that fibromyalgia was ruled out.... and again he wasn't very forthcoming... he seemed to continue... with what he thought that he knew... but I fought the conversation tooth and nail... but what really peeved me of is when I said... "Ok... tell you what... I must have got depressed.. for the past 4 years... after getting the flu" and do you know... he covered his backside with saying yes... that's possible.... aarrgghh!!!! I gave as good as I got... trust me!!!!! I honestly think that he was glad to see the back of me... seeing as a routine 10 minute appointment... turned out to be around half an hour.... but I didn't leave quietly... I got up from the chair... had a pain in my leg... and had problems... in standing on it... well for a few seconds... I saw him watch me... but I told him before I left.... don't worry... I'm just depressed!!!!!
23rd January 2007...
Well today was eventful... I got up this morning.. as fit as a fiddle.. took my son to school.. all was well.. but it,s funny how things can change quickly... I remembered that I had a mediation appointment today, I had been trying to sort out what was right for my son.. as in spending time with his dad.. it,s not that his dad wasn't wanting to see him.. but it was on a when I have time and what I say goes basis... things haven't been working out for a long time... and I seemingly have became an emotional target... "piggy in the middle" so to speak... I couldn't do right for doing wrong... I just can't win... either way... when mediation was suggested I initionaly thought that this was my answer... things were compliant for a while.. then it fell apart... not through any fault of my own...
I arrived at 10.20am... and my ex... shortly afterwards... I honestly thought that the mediator would have asked why my ex hadn't been compliant with the agreed arrangements... but she didn't... I sat and listened for a while.. this person... as in my ex... was putting on such a facade... this is not the man I knew and left 4 years ago... I thought to myself... I'm afraid.. that I had to bring everything up that he had ever done... and is STILL doing... as in controlism... undermining... and just basically being a bully... the mediator.. had asked me to allow him to have his say... but by this point... all I could hear was an echo in the room.. I heard the words.. but to me they had no meaning... I tried to pull myself together.. and heard the mediator ask me to comment on what my ex.. had said... I couldn't, she asked me if I had listened to what he said... I had to say no... I was feeling awful.. I had to get out.. so I stood up... told them that I was refusing to take part in this facade anymore... and if he wanted to see his son.. he could take me to court... the mediator took me to the door... I was struggling... eventually she showed me into another room... made me a cup of tea... I had to sit for around half an hour.. until I felt a bit better.. but even then... I struggled to get down the stairs... I was in a mess... I knew my mum was in the town... so I phoned her on the mobile... asked her where she was... and don't even ask me how I got to her... but I did... I was in a mess..
Do you know something.. here is me... trying my best to sort out a fair situation... for all participants... and forgetting the most important one... ME!!! I gambled with my health today... and lost... trying to sort things out for others... as from now... I'm taking the selfish approach.... I have to... and those that do not like it... well... what can I say... apart from tuff!!!!
The rainbow
There is always a rainbow at the edge of darkness
It's whether we choose to seek the pot of gold that matters... but within that is an inbuilt passion....
Most will settle for there lot in life...
and their desire will end up as a fable, such as the unicorn.... and will quickly be forgotten... in many an individuals mind purity does not exist and will quickly be dismissed if encountered....
It takes a believer to convince... but once this is obtained... happiness... and trust.. will encounter....
24th January 2007...
Well today was eventful... as per usual... haha!! but seriously... I never seem to get a minute to myself... my lifestyle is surrounded by appointments... I need some me time... to do what I want to do.... health permitted... and fingers and toes crossed.. ehh!!!! but I'll wait and see...
On a brighter note... looks like I'll be a pensioner before I'm 42... I had a phone call from work earlier.. and they are definately going down the road to pension me of... there is nothing I can do... if and when I get better I can always find another job.... such is life... well that of a CFS sufferer anyway.....
25th January 2007...
The past 24 hours has been an experience in itself... I was at the computer last night... with every intention of writing my diary entry... then out of the blue.. I was struggling to function... I sat and stared at the computer... nothing made sense... I was oblivious to reality... not good... It seemed to take an eternity to turn it of... my head wasn't working... and my arms felt so heavy.. as if they didn't belong to me anymore... I just couldn't co-ordinate any movements... period.... eventually I got up from the computer chair... my legs just didn't seem to work either... but I managed to get to the couch... I sat for a while... then I had to phone Colin... I had been talking to him online... before I abruptly announced that I had to go offline... he was worried... the conversation was a disaster... my eyes felt heavy... I was struggling to focus.. and when I was talking to Colin... I was not only struggling to find the words... but once I did find them... they didn't come across... but hey... me and Colin are a team... haha!! I stutter... he pronounces... sorted!!! All joking aside though... 5 minutes or so later I felt this horrible feeling lifting... my head cleared and my eyes began to focus... and yes... I managed to converse for a while... clearly... but as quick as it left me... this extremity of tiredness returned... nothing worked... even to the extreme that I needed the toilet... and struggled to remove the sleeping bag which I had wrapped around me... because I was so cold... yes, 4 or 5 attempts later... I managed... I still had to get up from the couch though... my brain seemed to telling my body to move... but when I tried... nothing happened... the long and the short of it is... yes, eventually I got there... please don't ask me how...
Today... I have felt dreadful... I look like crap... I have felt so tired and weak all day... and I have spent all day lying on the couch.... I managed to get off it around 5pm... but I'm still feeling a bit horrible... and the closest way to describe how sore I am... is the fact that I feel as if I've been kicked up and down the house and back again...
My home-help came in today... and tidied up for me... then headed into town to get me some shopping... and again... I had to call in a friend to get my son from school... I couldn't manage... but hey, she was kind enough to take my son to football practice tonight as well...
I've had one can of beer ... tonight... and things seem to be well... kinda working so far... well I have managed to write what you have read.... but there is still room for improvement... maybe after another can... I'll be able to right a novel... lol !! All joking aside though... this learned behaviour only works... 60% of the time... it aint a miracle cure by all means... but to me it,s better than nothing...
27th January 2007...
Sorry... took a break from diary entries last night... and to be honest... at the moment I honestly do not know why I have a CFS website... I'm not ill.... well if I was... I wouldn't have been out and about yesterday... and today as well... to be honest... well lets use today as an example... who would spend the day in town... go to the sun beds... and go and visit her mum for the rest of the day???? Certainly not me... I'd be tucked up in bed with a hot water bottle... wouldn't you???
In saying that... I had a strange dream this morning... I dreamt that I was back at work... and all those that help me... carers... etc... were there to help me do my job... I took terribly ill... and was sat on a chair... my boss... was in the process of acquiring help... then the phone went... I woke up....
~phew~ It was just a dream.....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
