5th February 2007...
Once upon a world of unreality... you come cross a friend.. aarrgghh... bugger this... my head ain't working... did this before... and it was a good one... nothing is working... my head especially.. can I get back to you on this???
7th February 2007...
Sorry... I had to take a break from my diary entries... the last couple of days have been a nightmare... aarrgghh!!! I took another bad turn on Monday night... and healthwise... yesterday was a joke... I'm just getting really peeved off... I took myself to the doctors yesterday... and all that I was told... is that she has heard about the symptoms that I was experiencing... before from other C.F.S sufferers... and it was basically a case of my body shutting down on me... what the heck am I supposed to do now???
Things are just going from bad to worse... oh.. and in the case of the elevated blood pressure... it's seemingly nothing to worry about... the doctor basically just told me... whilst I was sitting in the office... trying to combat another shaking episode... that my blood pressure was healthier than normal... bearing in mind... because I was shaking... she had to repeat it... the only thing is... bearing in mind I ain't a doctor... but even I know.. that if you want to repeat a blood pressure test... you either have to change arms... or wait for ten minutes...
Anyway... today I have done a lot of research... no... my symptoms are not the case of an underlying issue... the reality of the situation is that it has moved on to another level... yes, I'm frustrated, frightened and feeling down in the dumps... but I suppose once I adapt coping mechanisms... for this level of severity... I will sail past it... but at this precise moment... I'm struggling... and stressed... which is not good... as this alone... enhances the fatigue side of C.F.S. and exacerbates the symptoms... yes, it's a dog eat dog world out there... but what else can I do???
Hey... I know... I'll scream!!!!! on a second note... maybe not such a great idea... as that will tire me out more...
For a while... yes my existence has been the concept of unreality... I dream of how my life used to be... and if I ever were to be granted a wish... well... take a guess.. you and I already know what it will be....
Tommy Bolin "Dreamer"
Halfway gone, and halfway back,
You're always dreaming' 'bout what you lack.
You're takin' your time from your busy day,
To sit by the track and watch the train roll away.
Dreamer I know what you're thinkin',
I can see it in your face.
Maybe before you were happy,
But now your thoughts aren't of this place.
You've begun to change now baby, I don't see.
Oh but I know you well and it's clear to me.
You think chains hold you here now baby, but they don't exist.
You don't have to stay mama, I won't insist.
So take the train today, and don't look back again.
Live the dreams you have, don't dwell on what has been.
Your future's brighter now, there's brighter days ahead.
Any sad farewell words, better left unsaid.
Maybe before you were happy, but now your thoughts aren't of this place.
I only wish you were with me, someone like you can't be replaced.
AND NO... I AIN'T HAPPY LIVING IN THE LAND OF CFS... AND I HAVE CHANGED... AT THIS MOMENT IN TIME... I FEEL AS IF I'M A PRISONER.. CHAINED TO A LIFE THAT I... NOR ANYONE ELSE FOR THAT MATTER... DOES NOT DESERVE...
I'll tell you something though... when that train eventually arrives... it'll be one busy train... I think that me... and millions more... want to take the trip to brighter days.... don't you think????
9th February 2007...
Today... I have been feeling a bit better... my son is away with his dad for the weekend... and I'm taking a well earned rest... it has done me the world of good... but I must admit... I was really tired after returning from my grocery shopping trip with my home-help... I got something to eat.. then lay down for a while... I had to...
I tried to sleep for an hour or so... only problem was that the phone kept wakening me up... aarrgghh... if it's not one thing it's another... haha!! my biggest accomplishment today... was getting my hair washed... I'm well pleased... what a difference... well it makes a nice change from it being greasy... and tied up in a bobble...
Do you know... I was just thinking earlier... it's funny... how the everyday things... that were once taken for granted... have now become a huge barrier within our lifestyles... and as in every action we take, we have to suffer the consequences... healthwise... it just isn't fair... is it?
10th February 2007...
At the moment, I'm living on borrowed energy.. . last night after writing my diary entry... I began to get problems... I was feeling very uncomfortable.. and my body was aching... my concentration took a downward spiral.. to the extent that I was feeling sick and shaky.. aarrgghh...
I had a well... kind of early night.. I was tired... but I seemed to waken every hour or so... my body was sore even lying on my couch.. I woke up eventually at 7am this morning.. so much for my long lie... no worries..
As in today, I have been feeling great, I have tidied my house from top to bottom and finished of a new web page (Mildness & Severity of CFS)... which I hope that you will find of interest... yes, I have been constructive today... but at the moment.. I'm starting to suffer the consequences... my symptoms have started to kick back in again.. at the moment.. my head is like cotton wool.. my legs are painful.. and my body is aching... anyways.. I'm going to go.. it's time to take a couple of paracetamol...
11th February 2007...
Oh well.. the paracetamol did not help last night.. I ended up being in planet Linda... my own fault really.. I did way to much yesterday... the funny thing is that I couldn't even tell anyone about the where I was.. my speech had decided to disappear also...
I will say something though.. it is a wonderful place to be.. it is tranquil... every aspect of reality becomes forgotten... my thoughts end up elsewhere... just maybe one day... I will stay a while longer...
All I seem to be faced with these days is stress... I finally.. decide to give an inch... and ten miles is taken from me... why?? to be honest I just do not know... just maybe, I'm to nice a person... if someone tells me something.. I take there word for it.. but more often than none... I seem to get kicked in the teeth...
Just maybe.. I should forget about my values for once... and become selfish.. but then again.. that would not be me... would it???
Today.. I have spent the day.. resting.. I had no choice really... my body was in charge... it needed a day off...
At the moment, I'm so peeved of.. with other peoples selfish thoughts... every action that they take... has a consequence on my health...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
