12th February 2007...
This site has become a godsend... firstly for me to upload my feelings upon a page.. and for others.. to give them the ammunition required to fight this despicable, intrusive illness... which robs us of our lifestyle..
Many... a poor wee soul.. is out there suffering in silence... and every avenue that they try to take.. to realisation and understanding... there is a barrier... and to be honest.. we do not have the inclination nor the energy to remove this.. so, social isolation tends to take place...
Society has placed such an expectancy on the individual... and if we can't adhere to the "norm" we are classified as being different.. although to be honest.. there are 3 levels of society... and whatever capacity we had previously been placed in.. we struggle to regain that placement.. as within... we feel as if we have slipped down the social ladder... so we tend to feel as if.. we have failed... and then we tend to beat ourselves up about it.. but why??? worrying about a situation will not change it.. only time will...
As C.F.S suffers.. we are all part of a BIG vicious circle... not only do we have to deal with the underlying symptoms... but we have to deal with negativity... how we are going to manage on a day to day basis... our kids... society and it's expectations... financial loss... social isolation... loss of previously accepted motor skills... these factors alone.. seem to promote stress... which in return... exasperate the symptoms of CFS
Yes... I have shut the world out for 4 years... hiding amongst my symptoms... but no more... (well maybe just now and again) but within myself... I wanted to comply... with the "norm" I wasn't ill... I was to much of an overachiever... and I honestly tried to keep up this facade... but within... I felt miserable... my C.F.S is only part of me... not all of me...
Yipp... it's time for change... and if I get kicked in the teeth again... I'll just need to pick myself up, give myself a good dusting off... and try again... there is nothing else for it... is there???
13th February 2007...
Hello darkness my old friend...
I've come to talk to with you again...
because a vision softly, creeping...
left its seeds while I was sleeping...
and the vision that was planted in my brain still remains...
within the sounds of silence...
I'm tired of trying to talk to others... I'm either faced with negativity, hilarity or misunderstanding... for a while.. I'm going to seek refuge within my friend darkness...
We are at one with each other... and seem to share tranquility... nothing can touch me whilst I'm there with my friend... as he sheds a blanket over me... whereas, no light can intrude... on my hopes and dreams... and the aspect of reality has been excluded also... well for a while anyway... I need to gather my strength.. to fight the animosity that is threatening my survival....
Yes, you guessed right... my brain has messed up once again... but hopefully.. it will sort itself out again... very soon... but until then... what can I say... apart from how I'm feeling at the moment.. is not compliant with the symptoms of C.F.S...
THESE FEELINGS HAVE BEEN IMPOSED ON ME... BY IGNORANT, SELFISH PEOPLE!!!
At the end of the day... decency and thought for others... comes free of charge... haven't they realised...
Obviously not!!!!!
16th February 2007...
Sorry for no diary entries the last few days... I just haven't been able to deal with it.... no worries, I'm back... although I have been let down on numerous occasions... I refuse to let others down... so I will continue writing... I just needed a breather...
I will always be here to try and help others to understand... regardless... it's just who I am... yes, kick me to the ground... but regardless... I will get back up again, give myself a dusting of and get on it with it.... I'm determined... and I will survive regardless....
Yes, folks can jeopardize my health with selfish issues... but I will always be better tomorrow... unlike them.. they should truly seek within... their negativity to survival... yes, I admit that I became negative... for a short period... but can you truly blame me... under the circumstances???
Today has been a busy one... firstly I had my home-help in for 3 hours... an hour to tidy the house... then 2 hours to go shopping... I returned home around 2pm... I was shattered... it was to much... I had half an hour to pack my sons bag... as he was going to his dads for the weekend... and the occupational health woman... was coming to mine at 2.30pm... she arrived at 2.20pm... I desperately needed a cup of tea... I made it then we had a chat... she made a strange comment... on observation of myself... she told me that I looked so tired... but there was something different... I seemed so positive... regardless of how I looked...
I had to take the time to explain that I have been feeling like this for days... I want to run a mile... sort my lifestyle out... but the rest of my body doesn't want to listen... it's on strike... oh well!!
Looks like I found a cure earlier for C.F.S... YIPPEE!!! Omega 3 and if that didn't work... then a good kick up the ass would... if only... my backside is already sore... as I'm constantly giving myself a kick up the ass... I was also told the fact... that I am not a good mother... and my negativity is causing my son to have behavioral problems... and that I should be promoting... more positivity within his lifestyle... and If I don't then this person will... as seemingly he has another home... with 2 brothers and a sister... and a very much loved soon to be step mother... all of these factors were revealed earlier... by a very insecure new partner of my ex... wasn't that soooooo nice of her... to enlighten me... of my misfortunes... I'm ever so grateful...
AFTER ALL WOULDN'T YOU BE ALSO!!!
WHATEVER!!
PEOPLE IN GLASS HOUSES SHOULD NOT THROW STONES... IF YOU DO NOT HAVE ANYTHING DECENT TO SAY... DON'T SAY A WORD......
As one day... in the very near future... it will come back and haunt them... then what????
17th February 2007...
Thank you to all who have left a message via this website... once upon a time.. we were lonely, and together we will make a team... be strong...
Today, I have a good day... at last!!! yippee!!
Yes I know, that I am triumphant whilst others are struggling... but hey, you will have a day like mine also... trust me... to be honest days like this are short lived... so enjoy whilst you can ... as tomorrow.. you may spend the day wishing that you had done something extraordinary... so my advice is to try and live the moment of normality...
After all.. what have you got to lose???
I will answer that one for you.... NOTHING!!!
18th February 2007...
Oh well... my period of normality was outlived.. once again... I'm beginning to think it's now becoming the "calm before the storm" last night.. I found myself taking an "emotional journey" through life... for some bizarre reason... oh well, that is C.F.S for you... you never seem to know what thought process that you are experiencing... until it rears it's ugly head... one minute I'm happy.. the next confused... the next emotional.. the only thought process that gets to me is the fact, when my brain is racing.. my body doesn't want to work... yipp I know.. what a life...
To be honest.. the "emotional journey" wore me out last night.. at the time.. the subject was free flowing... I had been talking to my friend Nancy.. and what pillar of support she has become... she is a gem... but amidst our conversation.. I had to help 2 other C.F.S suffers.. they were struggling... god bless them... I had finished my conversation with Nancy... on the computer.. said bye.. I was tired... it was time. for bed, or so I thought.. one minute, I was going to shut down the computer... the next.. I woke to find myself slouched over the computer table.. do not even ask me what happened... I do not know... but I lost an hour somewhere...
Today I was sent some information... which makes perfect sense... well to me anyway... I have spent all day doing a crash course on html and I won.. I made a web page from start to finish all by myself.. yippee... to me this information is very important... take a look at The reality of C.F.S Facts and Figures this information has been like placing the last piece of a jigsaw puzzle together... with regards to understanding.. and perhaps.. it will help others also... not that it will make any difference to our health issues... that is another story...
Oh and talking about health issues.. the "sick bug" that I have been avoiding up till now... I can no longer avoid it... my son isn't to well... but at least he has stopped being sick now... poor wee soul... fingers and toes crossed that I do not get it... because if I do, I will be completely floored... and my C.F.S will have a field day...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
