26th February 2007...
Things are just a mess at the moment... and yes.. I'm struggling to get through the day... I waken in the morning with the best of intentions... but to be honest.. regardless of what I do... a couple of hours later I find myself in a downward spiral...
I try to make contact.. with others.. but at the moment.. it is if and when... to be honest.. even chatting on the phone is leaving me exhausted... every period of activity.. is being.. activated on impulse... only to be cut short.. and as in my 7.00pm escapism... even my can of beer isn't working anymore.... it is making me feel worse... but hey, I will still try... what else can I do????
Saturday was a joke... I got up and thought... f*** this... I went for a bath.. washed my hair... and buggered myself... but I did not stop.. sat down for an hour... staggered to the bus stop.. got the bus into town... don't even ask me what planet I was on... but regardless of what planet... I took ill in the town... I had to get a taxi to my mums... I nearly passed out.... twice.. well serves me right for being a determined b**** okay... I gave up... took 2 days of rest... AGAIN... and to be honest... it isn't doing me any favours... I seem to be losing... some of the day... I can't think... I'm agitated... I'm being subjected to every mental symptom of C.F.S to the extent... I think that I am going crazy...
Right now.. I am starting to lose my friends.. and my family... firstly... they do not understand... and secondly... I have started to shut them out... I don't have the energy to deal with them... but my daughter is taking things worse... she has 2 young kiddies... and I love all of them to bits... at the moment.. she needs her mum.. and I'm not there for her... how bad do you think I feel???
Today... I tried to get the house organized early... then took myself to the shop... I needed a loaf... it was an expedition itself getting to the shop and back... but I got there... if I had the choice at the moment... I would stay in.. as I feel when I'm out.. my head is somewhere else... I get scared trying to cross the roads.. as I have no awareness of traffic... etc.... my head is like cotton wool... and I feel like a spaceman... nothing is real... I think to be honest... I'm taking a reaction to the antibiotics... but hey, time will tell... but to date... I'm still short of breath... I am fine whilst I am sitting down... but any movement beyond that.... is a disaster... at the moment... my head is kinda working... but I feel sick... I ache all over... I am frozen... shaky... and my full body feels numb... my legs are struggling to carry my weight... my co-ordination has gone... and my head is battling.. to exist in reality... hey, just maybe my beers are working tonight... lol...
27th February 2007...
Today... has been a bit better... but still not to great... but hey, fingers and toes crossed that tomorrow will be even better.... here is hoping.... at the moment... I am still feeling very nauseas, I went to the shop earlier and bought some Andrews salts to be honest... I honestly think that stuff is meant to kill or cure you... haha!! it is disgusting... yuck!!! but at least my stomach is feeling a little better than it was earlier...
I made a decision earlier... I'm going to try and get myself rehoused in a one level... flat/bungalow.... to be honest... it will be a lot easier to maintain... no stairs to have to deal with... and the bathroom will be on the one level.... it will make a huge difference... I should find out during the week.. what is available... and I will sort it out from there....
28th February 2007...
It is funny why, when mental abuse is being directed at an individual... that society refuses to take this into account... why? I will tell you...
The abuser has a good position in society, thinks that he/she will never get caught... on the outside.. they are good citizens.. with high flying jobs...
Whatever!!!!
They seem to turn the case scenario around.. they are right and you are wrong... you start to feel as if you have no morals... or virtues.. your thought process is then camouflaged by their own thought patterns... as they have gotten into your head...
Yes, there is a cure for this... BUILD UP YOUR STRENGTH TO FIGHT.... but I'm afraid to say that it isn't plain sailing... you will be faced with many obstacles... but you will win... trust me...
I have been faced with this disposition for years... from an ex who I left many years ago... on the surface... well butter wouldn't melt... or so they say... but he is crazy... yes, he has been caught out in the past... but not by those who can prove my story.... to the appropriate departments... I am being portrayed as if I am crazy.... no more... tonight I had another escapade of his allusive behaviour.... but at last... I now have proof ~phew~
Tonight was a case scenario of...
"COME INTO MY PARLOUR, SAID THE SPIDER TO THE FLY"
And it did!!!!
Caught!!!!!!
1st March 2007...
Today... I did something constructive... I changed my mobile number.... at least, well for the moment.. it is one less port of call for stress.... and as for the landline.. well ignorance is bliss...
Yes, I am taking back control... after all... isn't it a case of "he who laughs last, laughs longest?" time will tell.... my intentions are to rid myself of all avenues of negativity.... and I will... regardless.... after all those that feel that they have to control... only camouflage there insecurities...but within they are weak... therefore they can't deal with the concept of reality...
TUFF!!!!
3rd March 2007...
Today has been great... yippee!! I have been "normal" I took the bus up to my daughters.. we have had a great day... I spent time with my granddaughters... went for dinner... shopping etc.... and got home at 8.00pm...
So what's the big deal??? folks do that everyday...
But to a C.F.S sufferer... days like this are very few and far between.... and we tend to have to do it on impulse...
AND I DID!!!!
Here is hoping tomorrow will be great as well... fingers and toes crossed.... but to be honest... at the moment... I'm really tired..... I know... I'll have an early night... that'll sort it....
4th March 2007...
I got up this morning... and said sh*** I felt terrible.... aarrgghh!!! so much for another great day.... I felt as though I had been kicked up and down the house... again... lol... I ached from head to toe... even worse.. I had run out of paracetamol.... I discovered something though.... why is it that kids like Calpol??? it tastes disgusting... ~yuck~ well... that is the only form of paracetamol that I had...
An hour or so later... things healthwise were great... I have cleaned the house from top to bottom today.... although.. to be honest... I was so glad to see my career... she helped me finish what I had started.... and nipped down to the shop for me... I was starting on a downward spiral... but even then that was short lived.... half an hour later... I was washing my ornaments... hahaha!! well... they were dusty.... then shortly afterwards... I noticed that my collection of candles... were looking a bit dusty... yipp!!! they were washed as well... hahaha!!!
Well fingers and toes crossed... that all will be well again tomorrow... and I will manage to get my windows cleaned... and go into the garden.. and eventually get to take my xmas lights of my tree.... well here is hoping....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
