5th March 2007...
Today.. has been okay... I never did get the xmas decorations down... nor the windows cleaned... oh well... I'll do it tomorrow.... ~sigh~
Got up this morning with another headache.. and no way was I taking anymore Calpol.... haha!!! I can still taste it... ~yuck~ no worries though... my headache went away on it's own accord... I got the wee one to school... and managed to get the downstairs part of the house cleaned... but later on... I began to feel tired... I went for a sleep on the couch for a while... when I woke... I felt a bit better... so I made the dinner etc...
It's now... 8.00pm... and I'm starting to feel dreadful... I'm aching from head to toe... oh well... I can't really complain... I've had a couple of good days at least.... but I will complain anyway... hahaha!!!
6th March 2007...
Last night was horrendous... I hardly slept... I had to sleep with my son last night, he wasn't feeling to well... I woke several times last night as my body was so painful... and lying down.. was a nightmare... I was struggling to deal with the pain factor... eventually.. enough was enough... got up at 6.00am this morning... I had to...
After I got up... I was struggling to get from A-B and even trying to lift the kettle to fill it.. was an expedition in itself... I got my tea though... after all needs must... sat down.. took a couple of paracetamol and an hour or so later... I was fine... yippee!!!
I got my son to school.. and started on the housework... to be honest I nearly had everything done before my home-help arrived... she was only in the door... 15 mins.. when she noticed the change in me... one minute I was bright and bubbly... and eventually I was sitting down.. struggling to hold a conversation with her... yipp!!! I was buggered...
I lay on the couch with my sleeping bag for a while... and realised that there was an old black and white film on... so, I watched it for a while... next thing I knew... my son had crept up on me... that was him home from school... then I realised that I had slept for 2 hours... ooppss.... I must admit though... I felt better for it...
I made my sons dinner... spoke to my friend on the phone... then took my son to tae kwon do... a couple of my friends came to mine for a cuppa... then we went back to pick up the kids.... for an hour or so... all was fine.. right now.. well... things have got worse... I'm just not feeling to great at all...
The fairytale
Within this path of darkness...
I'm blinded with the present...
but with every perceptive
of intervention...
leads me away from
the light of the future
But what will the
future ascertain...
that secret rest solely
in the heart of the of the individual...
For now... I am at rest
within my perception..
whereas.. any intervention
from another therefore becomes a threat....
to my interpretation of life....
I will not succumb to denial...
and I will seek refuge within....
my safety blanket...
But within this layer of security...
I will remain in control...
and the voices of doubt...
will be whispers within the dark...
I will bypass such torment....
as I am strong...
The torment of realism
then becomes an ignorance...
and a factor of confusion...
after all what is realism...
we all have different perceptions...
perhaps.. within we are all partaking
of a fairytale from within...
So does this factor bring happiness...
I think not..
we are doomed to live in a world of denial
and seek refuge in the fairytale...
of one day, we will live happily ever after...
Maybe... one day soon
we will live that concept...
because without dreams
we have no hope
and without hope...
our future becomes dormant
7th March 2007...
Today.. I feel as if I have been on the roller coaster of health.... one minute the ride to health is enjoyable.... then 2 seconds later... it is scary.... yipp!! you guessed... I'm peeved of again.... C.F.S is such a bizarre illness.... you never seem to know the minute.....
An hour ago... I had been texting a fellow sufferer... asking how things were... and at that precise moment.. all was well.. 5 minutes later I beg to differ.... at the moment.. I am frozen.... I have 2 fleeces on.... and it still isn't helping.... I'm still aching.... from head to toe... never mind.... it'll soon be bedtime... and I will be asleep.... hopefully....
But within my dreams... I will be well again.... at this precise moment.. that is my preferred state of realism....
Well can you blame me????
Me thinks not!!!!
8th March 2007...
I received a letter today from my employer... with regards to a meeting to discuss a medical report that was received from my G.P the only problem is that I have only had one days notice to attend... and I haven't had the time to get some sort of representation... oh well... I will just need to cancel.... I really do not have a choice... if I go on my own... I will be eaten for breakfast... with all the legalities... hahaha!!!
As a whole... today has been okay... ~phew~ it makes a nice change... trust me!!!!
I'm just sat here thinking about tomorrow... I have so many appointments lined up.... aarrgghh... I'm tired already at even the thought of them.... and to be honest, next week isn't any better.... I will just need to make an appointment for myself... to get some me time back..... I need it!!!!
Do you know what I think is bizarre... I have C.F.S... and I tire easily... so how the heck can they expect me to keep up all these appointments???
If I ever figure out the reason behind it... I will let you know....
9th March 2007...
Tonight's diary is aimed at my sister, which after giving her the url of my website earlier.. I hope she reads it... and it will equipe her with the much needed strength and determination to conquer her demons
The demons of today that seem to exploit our sanity do not derive from others... it is our inbuilt inability to set ourselves free of such torment... therefore, we need to conquer strength and determination to rid our lives of such demons...
Isn't it a true saying... "laugh and the world laughs with you" but whilst we succumb to our weakness... we tend to think that the world is laughing at us... we hurt so badly inside that we gain the tendencies to hurt others... for a while.. we within feel a bit better... but lashing out at those who care and are there to help, only becomes a short time fix... and without realisation.. we therefore become the bully... it then becomes a viscous circle... so therefore we can't complain... as we do to others what others do to us....
So what do you do????
Dwell in a world of self hatred and self indulgence???
Or stand up and be strong???
Whilst we are alone in our little world of defeatism... there are many folks worse of than ourselves... yes, we all have problems... but all different ones... but we all have to try and combat those demons that intrude our life... what choice do we have???
Well to be honest we have 2 choices...
We can play the part out of being the victim all of our lives....
or
We can find character strength and determination and escape from our self manufactured prison sentence...
After all who really wants to be a victim all there life???
But whilst we lie down to this torment.. we are empowering the negativity that we have been subjected to!!!
At the end of the day... bullies are insecure cowards in disguise, who think that they are making a stance in life.. by picking flaws in another individuals lifestyle....
10th March 2007...
Yesterday, myself, my son and my dad went ten pin bowling... to be honest it was the first time that I had ever been... it turned out to be a good day though... we had booked 2 games which would have taken nearly an hour to complete... but towards the end of the first game.. I was starting to struggle.... but I was determined not to give in... I was enjoying my day... especially when I had beginners luck... and got 3 strikes... yippee!!! not to bad for someone that has never played before... but ten minutes into the second game... I had had enough... so we cut the game short and went for something to eat...
To be honest, I was shattered by the time I got home... and so was my dad... it has been a while since he has managed even the slightest bit of activity.. but since his operation to combat Parkinson's... he has regained some quality of life back.... and I am so glad.... it hasn't been easy for him though... as he has been put through the mill.. but so far... his recovery... has given him a stepping stone to some sort of normality....
Due to yesterdays activities... I honestly expected to be floored today... but nope... I got up this morning and all was well... the aftermath of yesterday started to creep in around 5.00pm today.... I was so tired.. had - zero energy... and was feeling sick, dizzy and had a headache... but I'm still on my feet.. and I intend to keep it that way....
I was giving some positive advice from a friend today.. regarding the work scenario... and tomorrow... I will put this advice into action via my union representative... after all knowledge is power...
Well tomorrow... is a I'm giving up the cigarettes day... ~gulp~ but I am not alone in my quest... as of tomorrow... the government will be doing without another 5 peoples contributions to the amount of tax that they have imposed on the cost of a packet of cigarettes.... but with regards to tomorrow... I feel that I have to issue a public health warning... lol as of, well for a while anyway... READ MY DIARY ENTRIES AT YOUR OWN RISK!!! as I have a funny feeling that I am going to moan my backside of.... okay... I know that I already do that.... BUT... I have a sneaky feeling that I am going to moan even more than usual... hahaha!!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
