14th March 2007...
Although, today is "National No Smoking Day" I have been trying to quit since Monday....
AARRGGHH!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got up on Monday morning... and as I had already promised myself... that I was going to finish what cigarettes that I had left... then stick on a nicotine patch... well I had ten left... and by god did I stretch them out... to be honest I still had 2 left on Tuesday... I smoked one around 10.00am... then, well bearing in mind I still had not put a nicotine patch on... I didn't smoke the second one until 1.30pm... I put a patch on around 3.30pm... I was struggling.. so much so, that I made my way to the shop and bought ten cigarettes... but it soon passed.. the cigarettes lay in the cupboard unopened... and I had an early night.... {either that I would have had to comfort eat again} but I did think about it.... hahaha!!! bearing in mind I had 10 fried potato scones and 3 rolls for brekkie....
To be honest... what I wasn't told when getting the "Nicotine Patches" was the fact... well bearing in mind that I was given 24hour ones... the fact is that you seem to suffer from disturbed sleep and dreams... ERRMM.. as if my sleep pattern is not bad enough... but last nights tossing and turning episodes... seemed to have a weirdness attached to it... I can't explain it.... but to be honest... around 10.30am.. this morning I started to feel as if all was not well with the patches... I had to remove it... I felt quite ill... symptoms.. well similar to C.F.S sick, dizzy, etc... etc... but to be honest... at that particular point I blamed the patches... I removed it and around 11.00am I had a cigarette, that was the worst thing that I ever did.... I felt so ill... as in the rest of the day... hey, no problems... but I started to struggle again around 6.00pm tonight... and yes, I had another cigarette... but I will not put another patch on...
At the end of the day... looking back on the last few days.... I have done really well...
After all I used to smoke around 30-35 cigarettes a day.... and the past 2 days... I have smoked only 2 per day...
Well done me... and yes... I am crabbit!!!!!! hahaha!!!
But in all honesty... not only am I dealing with the concept of suffering withdrawals.... I am also trying to deal with the symptoms of my C.F.S
Double Trouble ehhhh!!!!
But I am determined..... and I will succeed.....
15th March 2007...
Today I had a meeting with my employers to discuss a doctors report that was requested due to my absence from work... to be honest the outcome was not good...
I have been left with 3 choices...
1.. That I give them a definate date to resume working....
2.. That I take a career break...
3.. That I get pensioned of due to ill health...
And to be honest.. if I do not adhere to the above choices... I will be.. well seemingly end up being dismissed...
Why can't you seem to find an expert in employment law when you need one???... typical!!! but as of tomorrow... I will gather all the knowledge that I need to fight this one.. hands down...
Right now, well I'm already think of suing them for damaging my health.... due to the stress of today... I have ended up smoking again... aarrgghh!!!!!
17th March 2007...
Acceptance... me thinks not!!!!!
Within the concept of
The "norm"
This derives a level of
Confusion..
Which then plants the seed
To the trait of negativityBut within this concept
itself
Unknowingly we lose our
Virtues of individuality
But regardless of this
Loss
We still yearn to seek
acceptance
In whatever capacity it
Entails..
Whilst realism itself
Becomes a demon
Within our mind..
Drugs or alcohol
Take your pick...
For a while yes...
This seems to do the trick
But within we yearn
To be set free ..
But within
We are weak.. the concept of
Individuality becomes
A daunting perspective
Whereas we are faced with
A battle...
Although we are haunted
By the realm of positivity
We try to adhere to
Our inbuilt passion to
Accept negativity...
And will go to great
Lengths
To shut every concept
Of reality out
Positivity, within itself
Has never been
Intonated in our lifestyles
And has became a foreign
Object
Which we learn to defend
Ourselves from
But this attack of realism
Is not a threat...
And to defend yourself against
This virtue
Is allowing..
Negativity to become overwhelming
So why succumb to a position
Of self abuse?
To honour the seed of negativity...
IT ISN'T WORTH IT!!!!
STAND UP BE STRONG AND ENJOY WHAT LIFE HAS TO OFFER.....
18th March 2007...
Yippee!!! Tomorrow will be Monday... thank god... and here is hoping that next week will be a better one than this ..
In a space of a week I have had to deal with a higher than normal level of negativity... but hey... I am still here... and still moaning... hahaha!! well that has to be a good sign...
Friday the 16th's diary entry was not entered on purpose... I needed time out... to think, remember and grieve the loss of my brother who died 8 years ago...
It was the anniversary of his death... he was only 22... god bless him
The horrific scenario of his death is detailed in a previous diary entry... 9th November 2006 but we as a family.. have to live this scenario year after year after year.... it doesn't seem fair...
Every year on the anniversary of his death... I go to my room, and take out what personal belongings that I still have and reread the documentation that I have... I suppose... it has became a ritual... but it is my way of dealing with things... but tonight I will share a newspaper report that had transpired after the attendance of the coroners inquest.. which at the time we were told would only last minutes...
Whatever....
The title of the newspaper article was...
Family claims Navy ignored bullies who drove son to death
And is as follows...
The distraught family of a Scottish sailor who killed himself after classmates played a cruel prank on him yesterday accused the Navy of ignoring a bullying problem
The body of air engineering Jason Gough was found hanged at H.M.S Sultan in Gosport Hants, on March the 16th...
Mr. Gough, 22 had finally cracked after seeing a degrading cartoon of himself on a classroom blackboard at the base...
In the weeks before he died, the young mechanic phoned his family in Stirling, to tell them he was being bullied by two colleagues.
At an inquest in Portsmouth yesterday, his sister accused the Navy of failing to tackle the bullies who had driven her brother to suicide.
Linda Sheppard told the hearing "We as a family think that more appropriate action should have been taken"
Outside the court, she added "The Navy are supposed to be investors in people and should have looked after my brother but they failed to do that"
Speaking after coroner James Kenroy recorded a verdict of suicide, Mr. Gough's mother, Agnes said: "When Jason phoned, he was crying. He just said that he could take no more"
But Mr. Kenroy claimed that the Navy had done everything possible to help Mr. Gough. He said: "They spoke to his classmates and arranged appointments with medical staff and the padre. It did seem that Jason had in fact craved sympathy".
Chief Petty Officer Barry Talbot told the inquest he had warned the class that the Navy did not tolerate bullying. He said: "I told them to give Gough some breathing space."
But the day before the young man died, he broke down and told his closest friend that he was going to kill himself. Operator mechanic Stephen Harper told the hearing "He said that he had had enough and just wanted to finish it"
He said that colleagues had drawn a caricature on the blackboard "for a bit of a laugh ", adding, "Jason was treated the same as everyone else. He just took things to heart more."
The hearing heard that Mr. Gough, who was posted to H.M.S Sultan in January after joining after joining the Navy last November, had made two previous suicide attempts and had invented a series of stories about himself to get sympathy.
He spun his colleagues a tale his fiancé had died at Christmas after an illness and that they had a baby son, but the claims were proved false during the inquest.
A navy spokesperson said after the hearing: "The Navy is greatly saddened by the death of A.E.M Gough, and our sympathies are with the family."
To be honest I read this newspaper article year after year... and it does not make sense... because along with the documentation that I have kept I also read the Naval Board of Enquiry report... both documents are like "chalk and cheese" whereas the testimonials of those involved tend to differ immensely... to the extent at the coroners inquest... I had to ask... well a so called friend... of my brother... "How can you sleep at night?"
No wonder we as a family were faced with the concept of so many lawyers in one place... as a civilian what chance do you have????
To be honest it is about time that naval/civil law became one...
case scenario...
Seemingly.. within Naval law... you are allowed to tamper with a so called crime scene... whereas my brother had been moved before the civil authorities go there.... A Naval representative had took it upon himself to remove my brother from the position that he had hung himself from... and lay him down.... whereas in the concept of civilian law... the scenario would not have been allowed...
To be honest it makes me feel physically sick why the government projects a law but makes allowances for others....
The Navy to be exact!!!!
Oh I nearly forgot.... the week whilst me and my family were grieving the loss of my brother... due to him being bullied... there was another family in the same position as ourselves... grieving the loss of there son, he had been getting bullied also... this factor had also reached the news... but unlike Jason... this poor chap was in the army... they decided to put him on sentry duty... armed him with a gun... he blew his brains out...
So much for the previously mentioned statement that the forces.. Navy/Army claim to be "investors in people" in my personal opinion this itself is a "myth" or perhaps a terminology to lure prospective candidates into a world of make belief... and as a mother I will do everything in my power to restrict my son to partake in the "fairytale" that the armed forces has to offer....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
