24th April 2007...

Sorry to have left folks in the lurch... it was not intentional.. but life at the moment... seems to be faced by a variety of misconceptions...

At one moment... my health has become as obscure as the chameleon itself... I think it just tends to suit itself... very inconvenient may I add...

At the moment I am still off work... but at least I am having a few... well nearly, good days... I suppose it is better than nothing... my biggest problem lately has been the computer... I just could not deal with the aspect of concentration... period... and before you ask... no, my can of beer at night is letting me down... it doesn't have the same impact of enforcing some normality into my lifestyle anymore... so I tried another approach to normality... "cannabis" I am aware of the fact that it is helpful to control the pain element... but to be honest... all it done for me was to enhance the fatigue aspect of M.E.. aaarrgghh... help!!!! what a life ehh!!!!

At the moment... I am going through the weight gain scenario... I really do not know why... at the end of the day... If I eat anything less than I do... I would be classified as being anorexic... hey, I just realised... having M.E is a cure for being anorexic... yippee!! well you can eat literally nothing and still gain weight... sorted!!! but it is a bit of a bugger for those who want to be a size zero... ooppss... more realisation... I take it that I will never be a model then... hahaha!! after all that is there desired dress size... and to think I'm getting peeved of not fitting into my size 8's... lol

Tonight I was faced with another perception of M.E which was presented to me as a fear of situations... to be honest... fingers and toes crossed that the petition to the prime minister goes through... and awareness follows... because personally speaking I am fed up portraying the element of well being... but at the end of the day... well if we truly wish hard enough for something... then maybe one day... our wish will come true.... but for now... we will continue with our virtual lifestyle... of having a relationship... being happy... arguing with our partner... hey... I'm tired already at the thought of it... so who needs reality????

But hey... regardless... maybe one day soon we will awaken from our virtual lifestyle... because I do not know about yourself... but this lifestyle does not bring contentment... only the reality of the "norm" will bring this... well I suppose if you are lucky enough... we all have our problems I suppose... but our downfall as M.E suffers... is that the we seem to be labeled... by the ignorance of the health services... and by the general public... and in comparison... did you know... that alcoholism is now recognized as an illness... whatever!!!! that really pisses me off... at the end of the day... that is an addiction... they chose that route... we never chose to be ill... lose our jobs... struggle with day to day chores... and live on a pittance because we are unable to hold a job down... whereas... before our M.E. days... we worked our backsides of... and all they did was scrounge of the system... and to think that they get an allowance for it... it is disgusting... here we are through no fault of our own... struggling... and fighting to get disability allowance...

Hey... I know... go and tell the system that you are either an alcoholic or a drug addict... then you will get the necessary help, but do not mention that you have M.E... because if you do.... they will take the help off you....

LET ME KNOW HOW YOU GET ON!!!!!

you have my word... I will not tell them the truth.... ~hugz~

 

25th April 2007...

Today was eventful.. well more embarrassing to say the least...  I had a visit from the chap that helps to support kids... he is part of the young carers scheme... he arrived at my house around 4pm today... with the intention of meeting my son.. and to find out what support was required... my son was in one of his funny moods.. and the full conversation seemed to revolve around the WWE Wrestling... fair enough... until my son questioned the Young Carers scenario... once it was explained to him.. he announced the fact that the only thing he cared about was playing his playstation... weans!!!!!

During the conversation... I had asked the chap to give me a card with his contact details... he explained that he was at a support group prior to coming to mine which dealt with kids who's parents took drugs... and had unfortunately handed out his contact cards there... two minutes later.. my son announced that I was on drugs!!! I was horrified.. and questioned him immediately.. I asked him what drugs that I was taking... he sat there with a sneer on his face.. and calmly announced that I drank beer and smoked cigarettes.. and that they were drugs.... I honestly just wanted a big hole to open up and swallow me... to be honest.. this accusation could have been totally taken out of context.... and consequences may have followed.... I suppose, yes, I felt a bit guilty.. as in the above diary I did state the fact that I have  tried cannabis... oh well... what else can I say....

I sent out several e-mails today... to those who suffer from M.E and have either joined the forum.. or placed a message in the guestbook... me thinks that a brain-dead day.. is in order.. it will give us a chance to have a laugh at our own misfortunes... and as said in the e-mails... if your head isn't working... have a few beers.. or a bottle of wine.. that will sort out the brain fog temporarily.... lol... and if folks are brave enough to share there experiences... it will bring a smile to those that are suffering in silence...

If you read this.. and care to participate... feel free to join the forum... click on the brain-dead day heading... and if you are brave enough... lol share your experience with others... I have already submitted a scenario... but I can add plenty more... hahaha!!!!

 

27th April 2007...

Yesterday started off as a great day... yippee!! guess who went into housework mode???

Bad move... oh well... at least the house got cleaned properly... for a change... but towards the end of the night... I could hardly function... my body felt as though it was shutting down... it is bad enough though... that even with the simplest task of housework... you have to weigh up the pro's and con's... then suffer the consequences... not good!!!!!

Today has been terrible... I woke up this morning... and I felt awful.. but after a while... I seemed to feel a bit better... to be honest, I'm getting really peeved off with the full C.F.S. scenario... as an hour or so later... I found myself struggling again... big time!!!! I'm just sat here wondering... what tomorrow will bring... ~sigh~

Right, come on folks... I am still waiting on brave participants to enter a brain-dead experience... on the forum... me thinks that I need cheered up... so have a few beers... or some wine... and it will clear your head... for while... and let's have a bit of fun...

It will make a nice change from the "norm" of this stupid illness... ~hugz~

 

28th April 2007...

Today has been rough... I look like crap and feel like it also... I'm so peeved of. Right now I feel as if I have let folk down.. as in my family.. to be honest there is nothing I can do about it.. I was supposed to take my little granddaughter tomorrow... but my health is not permitting me to do so... I promised my daughter that I would.. as at the moment she is on her honeymoon with her husband...

At the moment her other gran has the wee one. but if I'm okay in a day or so... I will phone and ask them to drop her off... I just feel useless... and what makes things worse is the fact no-one understands C.F.S and I'm being frowned upon as if I can't be bothered... which is definately not the case... 

I hardly got a wink of sleep last night... my body was so painful.. and I have been swallowing paracetamol and ibuprofen all day.. to try and eliminate the pain that I am in... the culprit of my C.F.S setting back in... is a urine infection... I have been running to the toilet all day... and it hurts when I do the toilet... no worries... I bought myself some cranberry juice today... it might help a bit... but as for now... I'm having a beer or 3... put it this way... it'll either kill or cure me... what else can I do??? I am to sore to even lie down on the couch....  I suppose if the truth be told... I am my own worse enemy in my fight with C.F.S I refuse to lie down to it.... my fear is that if I lie down to it... I will never get back up....

In my world.. of C.F.S I suppose .. well to be honest even before I contracted it...  I always have had an interest in spirituality... but lately... I have been taking an interest in  Native American Spirituality... this itself is not evangelistic... but is entirely cultural.  No-one can convert to "Native American" or any other cultural identity... this itself is a case scenario of having to be raised within this culture....but regardless... I find that there spiritual beliefs are that of depth and wisdom...

NATIVE AMERICAN TEN COMMANDMENTS

1... The earth is our mother... care for her 

2... Honor all your relations.

3... Open your heart and soul to the Great Spirit. 

4... All life is sacred; treat all beings with respect. 

5... Take from the Earth what is needed and nothing more.

6... Do what needs to be done for the good of all. 

7... Give constant thanks to the Great Spirit for each day. 

8... Speak the truth but only for the good in others.

9... Follow the rhythms of Nature, rise and retire with the sun.

10.. Enjoy life's journey; but leave no tracks. 

Makes perfect sense.... yes?????

On a final note I will leave you with this... 

A Sioux Prayer (Translated by Chief Yellow Lark -1887)

Oh, Great Spirit, whose voice I hear in the winds
Whose breath gives life to the world, hear me
I come to you as one of your many children
I am small and weak
I need your strength and wisdom

May I walk in beauty
Make my eyes ever behold the red and purple sunset.
Make my hands respect the things you have made
And my ears sharp to your voice.
Make me wise so that I may know the things you have taught your children.

The lessons you have written in every leaf and rock
Make me strong...
Not to be superior to my brothers, but to fight my greatest enemy... myself    

Make me ever ready to come to you with straight eyes,
So that when life fades as the fading sunset,
May my spirit come to you without shame.

Makes you think ehh!!!!!

 

29th April 2007...

Yippee!!! tomorrow is Monday... now I can get to the doctors.. the cranberry juice is not working.. I definately need to get some antibiotics... to clear this infection up... today... momentarily... I felt okay, but a whisper later... I wasn't to great again...

I feel as though I have still got a guilt trip hovering over me... as in not taking my granddaughter today... but what else can I do???? my daughter is still in Egypt.. and panicking over who is taking care of the wee one... at the moment her other gran still has her... but in saying that.. she has taken on to much also....

I saw my daughters wedding pictures today... they were taken by a young, budding photographer.. she has done a fantastic job... the pictures are very professional... she has put the pictures on her website... http://www.pbase.com/soniflygirl  take a look... and if anyone has a special occasion on the horizon... I will personally recommend her... not only is she talented.. but she is a lovely person... and whilst you are in her company.. I can assure you will feel completely at ease in her company....

Anyway.. tonight I'm going to have to have an early one... I temporarily cured myself from C.F.S last night... I got drunk... well it worked at the time.. lol but you know the story.... ~sigh~

 


Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th19th12th5th
October:
29th22nd15th8th1st
September:
24th17th10th3rd
August:
27th20th13th6th
July:
30th23rd16th9th2nd
June:
25th18th11th4th
May:
28th21st14th7th
April:
30th23rd2nd
March:
26th19th12th5th
February:
26th19th12th5th
January:
29th22nd15th8th1st

2006
December:
25th18th11th4th
November:
27th20th13th6th
October:
30th23rd