30th April 2007...
I went to the doctors today... turns out that not only do I have a urinary tract infection.. but a chest infection also... the joys... ehh!!!! no worries at least I got a course of antibiotics... I should be back on my feet shortly...
Tomorrow I have an appointment at the rehabilitation centre... with the psychologist... that will be short and sweet... lol.. "graded exercise" again.. what is the point??? and why should I have to take frequent rest periods whilst doing even the slightest bit of physical/mental activity... it is a joke.. to be honest.. it would suit them better to try and find a cure... instead of teaching folks how to manage C.F.S after all... why should we!!!!! oh I know... maybe it's to keep us quiet for a while.. then they will not have to be faced with the reality of dealing with something that they do not understand... after all they are supposed to be doctors... whatever!!!!
1st May 2007...
Today has been a good day.. healthwise.. yippee!!! it makes a nice change... to be honest I thought that I would have been struggling today.. as last night things were not to great... my head felt empty.. and I was struggling to put a sentence together... the joys ehh!!!
I went to my appointment today.. my sister came and drove me to the hospital.. to be honest.. and yes, just as I suspected it was a complete waste of time... so, just let's say.. that they have done there job... and I am another pain in the ass of there list.. hahaha!!! but seriously.. what is the point of wasting valuable energy to be told pick your nose then rest.. go to the toilet and rest... wipe your bum then rest.. I say this in jest... but to be honest that is all that "graded exercise" boils down to... I am a single parent.. with an 8 year old to look after.. I rest my case!!!! but what really gets on my nerves.. is the factor that we are expected to deal with the frustration of the inability to lead a normal life.. ooppss.. silly me.. that's when the "cognitive behaviour therapy" takes over... when you are feeling bad.. and unable to get of the couch.. or out of bed.. you are supposed to have positive thoughts.. as in look at me... I feel great... and jump up and down the room in joy... whatever!!!
They just do not have a clue do they??????
3rd May 2007...
Today... I'm a bit worried about my health.... oopppsss!!!! I had a load of blood tests taken recently... but they all came back normal except for my calcium level.... seemingly it was reduced... no worries... I thought.. So I had to go for a second test... still low.. and in addition to that they found increased levels in my parathyroid hormone... scary!!!! I had to go back again for more blood tests... these were taken without a tourniquet being wrapped around the upper part of my arm... all I can say was ouch!!!! it was sore... lol... I will get the calcium level results in a few days... and the parathyroid test has been sent to an independent laboratory to be tested.. this seemingly will take a while longer... hey, well you know what they say... 3rd time lucky... and here is hoping that they all come back clear... after all anything can happen whilst living in the world of C.F.S..... I will let you know the results in due course....
I had earlier... looked up the symptoms of an increased parathyroid hormone... but at the moment it is hard to tell whether I have any symptoms... because to me.. they are all the symptoms of an M.E sufferer... yipp!!!! you guessed... I was getting a bit paranoid...
Anyway... on a cheerier note... I have been sunbathing today.... and my tan is looking good... haha!!! here is hoping that the weather will hold out for the weekend....
4th May 2007...
Today has been a busy day... thankfully it is nearly over.. time to sit down, unwind and collect my thoughts....
The wee one is away with his dad this weekend... peace and quiet for a change... bliss!!!! I managed to get his room tidied... earlier.. it was like a pig-sty.. weans!!! tell you something he had better not mess it back up again or else... lol I told my mum earlier that now the room was tidy.. that my son was going to stay at hers... she just laughed... well I had a point... hahaha!!!
I was at the family planning clinic today... I had made an appointment to find out if the "depo provera" jag had something to do with my low levels of calcium.. seemingly not.. according to them.. but they have made a referral to the hospital.. to get a bone density test done.. only problem is that it can take 3 or 4 months to get an appointment... oh well.. I will just have to wait...
6th May 2007...
Tonight I am really peeved of!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What the heck has happened to family values????
I have spent 21 years in making sure my daughter has everything that she has ever needed... I have worked my ass of.. typical kids though... they do not realise... until it is to late...
I have been brought up to show my mum respect at all times.. it is just my way... and despite the fact that I am ill.. I really try my best for everyone... regardless!!!!!
My daughter met her partner a couple of years ago... and despite his race, creed or religion he was accepted into my home... my daughter fell pregnant to him and she moved back into my home.. I was there for her 24/7 financially and emotionally.. she was going through a hard time... but to be honest.. he was peeving her of... basically due to his religion, it would have been frowned upon by his parents to have a baby out of wedlock to a non-Muslim woman... such is life though... he dismissed the situation for so long... up until the point that we as a family... took a trip to his mothers house.. and my daughter and my mother went to the door... and announced the pregnancy... they to be honest were kept out on the street and never invited in... I wonder why?????
Anyways... to keep a long story short.. I financially kept my daughter.. and once the wee one was born.. was there everyday to help....until such time she moved away... and the contact with herself.. and the wee one diminished.. I had lost the bond with my granddaughter... but not my love...
His mother.. dismissed her and him... because of the religion scenario... but for her to be accepted she became Muslim a short while ago...and they got married... but even that is a facade... because only in the eyes of the Muslims is this marriage recognized... not in Scottish law... it has to be a civil ceremony.... so at the moment.. yipp they are still single...
At the moment.. my daughter.. being as naive as she is... is holding his mother on a pedestal.. she can take care of the grandkids... she works hard... she can and does... make dinners from scratch... and runs a few businesses... and buys the wee ones clothes....in her eyes.. this woman is so fantastic.. that she is dismissing her own family.... as being negligent to her needs even if they are of a selfish nature...
All I can say is that she has a short memory... she forgets that I worked so hard to keep my family... that I got ill... she forgets the factor.. bearing in mind that I was ill at the time... she was back home.. running up nearly £300 a quarter on phone bills... and I had to work overtime to meet the bills... and when I couldn't mange to pay the bills... I ran up my credit card... eventually it got to a limit that I was struggling to pay it... and my mum stepped in and cleared it... but soon after it was run up again... she was unable to work because she was pregnant... I got no help from his family... period!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but I was always there for her... even to the extent that I received a written warning from work for taking days of....
I hit my credit card again.. still more phone bills to pay... and basically just to live.. she was on a giro... from D.H.S.S which within itself... doesn't pay a lot... but hey... silly me thought that I could repay it... a few hours overtime and it will be sorted...I then got her room decorated.. and new furniture bought.. so that everything was in order for the baby being born... but to be honest.. al along I knew that my M.E was worsening... but I did not let on... I had taken myself beyond the coping regime... and suffered in silence...
The baby was born in the August.. and I still pushed myself... but everyday was getting harder... but my daughter was more important... until such time... in the December... I took really ill at work... and my M.E increased in severity... not good... a year and 5 months later.. I am still struggling... I haven't been able to hold my job down since....
Yes.. all the above I have done out of the love for my kids... but now I am questioning it...as at the moment.. I am all the bad ones.. as I do not take my turn in looking after my granddaughter... bearing in mind that I struggle with the bare concept of life... I never gave her any money to help with the wedding facade... if the truth be told.. I actually borrowed £40 of her to buy a dress for the wedding... as I am only living on SSP at the moment...
No worries though... seemingly all we have to do is to convert to Muslims... and all our problems will be solved... according to my daughter.. then you can dismiss your own family... as they do not hold the same virtues...
I'm just sat here wondering... whether his mum has M.E???
BUT SOMEHOW I DO NOT THINK SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But if she did... I can guarantee that she would not be held on a pedestal!!!!
As she, well in my daughters eyes.... would be as worthless as me!!!!!!
I REST MY CASE!!!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
