28th May 2007.
I'm nearly at giving up point.. I just can't handle being ill anymore.. I need a break.. big time!!!
My son wanted to go the cinema today.. I knew that I would never make it.. so, I tried to improvise.. I promised that I would take him to the local pub for his dinner tonight... I booked a table for two at 5.00pm...
As the day... progressed.. I was feeling worse.. I had a lot of abdominal pain.. but it was coming from my upper abdomen.. It hurt when I coughed... sneezed or even tried to breathe... but the pain was working itself into my back... my friend came to visit.. and when I announced that I was taking my son to dinner... she was commenting rather loudly on the fact that I wasn't fit to go.. I told her straight... I was going and that was that.. my son was looking forward to going for dinner... and theses days.. we don't get a chance to do things together like we used to... and yes, I feel guilty....
Regardless.. I took my son to dinner... we left at 4.30pm.. it was all that I could do to walk to the cash point to get some money... but I managed... the pain was shooting right up to my neck... and I had to try and take shallow breathes... as it hurt so badly when I was breathing... yipp!! I was scared... but I made it to the pub and had to sit for ten minutes outside...
When we got into the restaurant... I began to feel a bit better... we had our meal then left... again I struggled to get home... the pain was getting worse... I got home... and phoned my mum to let her know how I was feeling... yes, I was scared... I was at the point of phoning a doctor...
I have rested now... for nearly 3 hours... and the pain is getting better... but my abdomen is so swollen... my legs are like jelly.. and I'm sitting here with a jacket on... I am so cold...
I have done nothing... household wise today... I haven't been able to... but the dishes can wait... I will get them sorted tomorrow... ooppss... and talking about tomorrow... my personnel manager is coming to my house to discuss whether I am going to accept the offer of being pensioned of... to be honest... I can see it far enough away...
29th May 2007...
Well today, things haven't been to bad... but I have been feeling "yucky" most of the day... around 5.00pm... I started to get sore again... and cold... so, here I am sitting in front of the computer with my jacket on again...
I was going to take myself to the doctors today... then I remembered that I have an appointment with the consultant tomorrow... that should be fun, I have a big list to give him.. and as per usual.. I know that I will not get any... but a few months ago.. when I first saw him.. he himself told me that most of my symptoms were not typical in suffering from C.F.S... perhaps I should give him the url of my website... lol.. and if he still persists in his understanding of C.F.S which If based on an I.Q test... would be = 50.. after all he is a specialist in M.S. who claims to know everything about anything..
To be honest my step-dad was under his care for many years... (he has Parkinson's Disease..) until such time.. my mum demanded to speak to him.. she was treated like a fool.. and demanded a second opinion... and yipp!!! she got it.. my step-dad was referred to another specialist.. who's field was Parkinson's... and my step-dad was elected as a candidate to receive a pioneering surgery... which consisted of placing electrodes in his brain.. which then were controlled by a box which was implanted in his chest... it took many months.. but hey, it worked... he is well again..
To be honest... what chance do I have??? no worries though... if I do not receive satisfaction tomorrow... I will be asking for a second opinion.. I have asked my sister to come with me.. so, at least I will have a witness to negativity... and then... I have my occupational therapist.. who is prepared to phone him directly... on my behalf...
What a team ehh!!!!! I will make him listen...
Oh... I just remembered... my personnel manager did not come to my house today... as previously arranged... I received a phone call from one of the other managers... to let me know that the meeting had to be rescheduled... to Thursday... someone had slashed the tires on her car... ooppss... I wonder who else... she has peeved off... lol....
30th May 2007...
Today was tiring... got up at 7.15am... got the wee one his breakfast etc... then he went to school, my sister arrived at 9.30am to take me to the hospital...
We arrived at 10.05am... traffic!! oh well at least we got there nearly on time... we were only 5 mins late...
The consultant took us straight away... and silly me.. left the list of symptoms in the car... to be honest they would not have made a difference anyway...
The first thing he came up with... was the fact.. that according to the psychologist... that I was doing much better... I promptly told him.. that the graded exercise program that she had me doing... was a complete waste of time.. and that we had mutually agreed to discontinue the appointments... well... what was the use??? I'm doing next to nothing as it is...
I explained to him... various symptoms that I had to suffer on a daily basis... I announced that the doctors had tested my calcium level... and 6 blood tests later.. it was still low... then by magic.. it rectified itself... I also questioned him on the fact when I seemingly had a kidney infection... was shaking violently.. and asked the G.P why.. and I was told that the infection had got into my blood stream.. only to find that when the urine sample results came back from the lab... there was nothing wrong at all.. he couldn't answer me... to be honest he looked at me.. as if I was telling him a fairy story...
The long and short of today's appointment... results in the factor that I have been referred to another consultant... who is basically going to do an A-Z of blood tests to rule out any other probably causes... to be honest.. it is about time...
When I got home... my sister and her partner.. stayed for a coffee... they left 5 minutes or so... before the occupational therapist arrived...
It was a new... occupational therapist.. she basically only came to mine today.. to introduce herself.. and have a chat.. but there was a positive impact from her visit... she saw.. how bad I looked after being out and about this morning... and all future appointments... will be held in my house...
After she left... I was floored... I slept for an hour and a half... on the couch... and only woke up when my son came back from school...
Well... tomorrow should be fun... my personnel manager will be at mine.. around 12.00pm.. well that's if no-one slashes her tires again... lol
31st May 2007...
Well, at least the personnel manager made it today... although.. she was an hour late..
It was only an informal meeting... basically to let me read the pension offer.. we have scheduled another meeting for next week.. to fill in the necessary forms... etc.. I found out today.. that I have to be formally dismissed by the store manager... before I receive the proposed pension... to be honest... yes, I would rather have my job.. but as things stand at the moment... I am unable to work... I have no choice...
I just feel at the moment.. that everything that I had built up around me... is collapsing.. bit by bit... now worries... I will get back on track soon... if I did it once... I can and will do it again... for the time being.. it is the uncertainty of the situation.. that is bogging me down... big time!!!
I phoned up the D.H.S.S today.. and made a claim for incapacity benefit... that was fun... not!!! I was on the phone for 47 minutes... aarrgghh... it was question after question... well, like everything else... I will just need to wait and see what I am entitled to... I should hear from them in a couple of weeks... there is just so much happening at the moment.. and for the worst.. financially I'm in a mess... me thinks I need to go and find a job... lol but seriously.. as soon as I see even the slightest bit of improvement.. healthwise.. I will get back out there... I have worked everyday of my life.. since leaving school.. well apart from when I had my kids...
C.F.S, not only robs you of your health... but your independence, self worth and motivation... and once it has destroyed you... it keeps prodding and prodding... until you have virtually nothing left... but my hopes and dreams are still intact... as I hope that one day... I will be well.. and I dream that one day.. I will awaken from this nightmare....
Please help me??
Please help me to learn
how to live without my
independence
to forget all that I was..
and to accept what I have become
Please help me to understand
why my life was taken away
and replaced with a mere
existence
please help me and guide me
into a life of the unknown
and depravation
But most importantly
Please help me in my
Hour of need
I have became a victim
of the unknown
A thief in the night
crept in and stole
My soul
As for now, although I
battle to reclaim it
My demons have became the
mere factor
of once upon a time
I was well,
not what I have become.
1st June 2007...
I have noticed something today.. that regardless.. of positivity... negativity will set in... we aim to reach the altitude in our life's... only to find, that somehow... we have then again.. reached rock bottom...
Pleasure, happiness, hopelessness, success... etc.. all seem to participate in our lifestyles.... but as the saying goes.. mud sticks... and the reality of the situation... floods back in...
Happiness... drowns sorrow... and vice versa...
Luck drowns bad luck... and vice versa...
Nothing in life is guaranteed...
My day of positivity.... has resulted in negativity...
My energy today... has lead to me struggling... to acknowledge my defeatism....
The surreal world of C.F.S is basically a case of you are doomed if you do.... and you are doomed if you don't...
Whatever happened to freedom of speech... so to speak??? We are left without a choice.... regardless of how we choose to operate our life's... it will always be pay back time....
The punishment
Why am I being punished?
What crime did I commit
To deserve this punishment?
my only crime was to
succeed amongst the ongoing
realm of negativity.
I tried to better myself
and yes, I suppose for that
I will stand accused.
But why, have I been convicted
To years of torture
whereas, I only sought
survival.
Perhaps, I may appeal?
May I lay my case before
you?
I only need a minute of your
time.
All I wanted out of life
Was to better myself.
To show compassion to those
that were at a loss
To show my family
the love that was natural
and not a secret
to right good from bad
and to wipe the tears of
sorrow from your eye...
Perhaps you may take a moment
to relinquish your decision
I meant no harm
But until then I am guilty of
trying to succeed
Perhaps you have a justification
in the ruling of success
But please do not condemn me
to an existence of torture
for the simple factor
of being myself.
Why should a person
who loves and cares
about others
be tried and convicted
to a life of torture??
Bearing in mind,
My only crime was succession
and compassion?
The book of life should
never be judged nor condemned
by it,s cover
It should always be opened
read and understood.
3rd June 2007...
Sorry, I forgot last nights diary entry... I was on holiday from the symptoms of C.F.S yippee!!! Today, I have well most of the day.. only suffered mild symptoms.. but I am shattered.. but here is hoping that I will have a good day tomorrow as well... fingers and toes crossed..
I am in a funny mood at the moment, it is hard to explain... but I do not want anyone to visit me.. I am really happy with my own company.. but in saying that my brain is racing about 100 miles an hour.. with different visualisations... I need something different from the norm... but at the moment I do not know what it is... strange!!!! but regardless... I can't shift the discontentment in my life... I have been locking my door to disallow my friends from coming in unannounced.. and telling those that phone me first that I do not want visitors... I do not mean to shut my friends out.. but at the moment they just need to try and understand...
It was my step dads birthday on Friday... and we went out as a family for a meal... my mum phoned a taxi to pick me up... the restaurant was situated in a country location.. away from the hustle and bustle of normality...
When we arrived we sat outside for ten minutes.. had a cigarette then went in to find our table... we had our meal.. and then the rest of the family decided to have dessert... I chose not to... instead I took myself back outside and sat in the sun whilst they were still eating..
I sat for a while at the picnic bench... my skin was warm from the sun.. and I was at peace... there was an air of tranquility comforting me... I was at one with nature... I looked beyond the horizon.. and saw nothing.. apart from a few cottage type houses.. the fields.. and a clear blue sky... it was to be honest so surreal... I felt as though I had entered a magical land...free from the aspects of reality... bliss!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
