5th June 2007...
Today has been horrendous.. I have taken little snippets of reality to try and get things done... but the concepts of important agendas are weighing me down... but hey, I will get there as per norm
Today I crashed at 12am ish... I just had to sleep.. the morning events had proved to much for me to deal with... I awakened around 12.55.. I just in time for my friend arriving.. me and her were going to our kids sports day...
Yes, I got there but half an hour later.. things weren't looking to good... I had to get home... but against my better judgment I stayed for another 15 minutes to see my sons last race... I was struggling big time...
The rest of the day.. has been horrendous.. to the extent that earlier.. I was trying so hard to keep my concept of reality... I went to my friends house.. to pass an hour...
I had to... I was struggling to maintain my self preservation....
Things were not any better there but at least I had something else to focus my so called helplessness on.... but to be honest.. at least it seemed to secure my sanity for a tad longer...
6th June 2007...
Today has been okay.. well until 6pm.. although to be honest I did have a few scary moments... lol but they soon passed...
I took my self into the town for a while today.. I had to pick up a native American Indian dress that the dress maker had been making for me.. I am only paying for it on a hire only purchase though.. but hey, I will be dressed for the occasion on my sisters hen night on Friday.. (well that is if I am well enough to go) my plan was to rest on Friday.. but it seems like the best laid plans and all that are going out the window...
I got a phone call from my employers toady... on Friday.. the personnel manager is coming to pick me up, drive me to to the store... and when I get there I will meet with the store manager and be formerly dismissed from my job... Yipp I am getting the sack... to be honest it seems a bit a bit archaic.. after all.. could they not have at least left with with some pride enact?? after all it is bad enough that I have to accept being pensioned of at 41... Friday is going to be horrendous... and to be honest, I am not sure that I will be able to deal with either concept... pension or being dismissed.. but what else can I do??
I had to go to the doctors today.. to pick up my sick line.. whilst I was in the room I mentioned that I had been experiencing pain on the underside of my toe.. for the past 6 weeks.. and it is getting more painful when I put weight on it.. I explained that I personally... could not see anything on it... but hey, 2 seconds later.. whilst she was taking a look at it.. she pressed it.. I nearly jumped out of the chair... ouch!!!!!!! seemingly I have well what she described as.. as a nodule growing on my nerve... and this will have to be removed.. ouch!!! and ouch again... lol
Just as I was leaving the room.. I remembered that I needed a prescription for Esomeprazole (Nexium) I had been prescribed them a while back... and lately due to excessive bloating and upper stomach pain.. I had started to use them again... they were giving me at least some level of relief... but my stomach is swelling so badly that by mid afternoon... I actually look as if I am at least 8 months pregnant... I have lost my appetite entirely... but yet, I still seem to gain weight... and my abdomen is so tender that I am having to wear loose fit clothes...
She never gave me the tablets... instead I have to get a Carbon Urea Breath Test done... as she suspects that the Helicobactor pylori bacteria is to blame...
What next??????
7th June 2007...
Hence the circles icon on my website... that is what my life has become.... welcome to the world of C.F.S when no-one gives a shit.... you have been labeled with a name of an illness.. to get rid of you....
The only difference between C.F.S and Leprosy.. is that we are not shipped of to a desert island... but regardless.. we struggle to survive...
As in the scenario of my employers pensioning me off... tonight.. I am going to name and shame them... I work for Tesco.. and to honest.. the treatment that I have received from them is despicable.... my so called H.R. manager is useless... and to date I have been doing her job for her... and they told me that I was not fit for work.... whatever!! so if that is the case.. why am I trying to do what she is meant to do for me??? and yes, I have phoned her personally and told her...
As in the case of disability living allowance... that is also a farce... I had been advised to appeal against the lower rate... only to be informed today that if I did... I could lose what entitlement that I had... seemingly I have no evidence... that my condition is deterioteing.. and I was informed that I was one of the lucky ones.. to be awarded even the lowest rate... of care/mobility... and since writing this website... I know that... as I have been in contact with people that get no help whatsoever... I suppose perhaps.. yes, I am lucky.. but if the truth was to be acknowledged... I need a dam more help than first thought...
Yes, perhaps I can go through the kitchen.. make a cup of tea.. drink it... but that is only luck on my behalf... bearing in mind I aint always lucky....
A note to all... suffering from the disregarded illness of C.F.S let us all admit to being...
Asylum seekers...
Junkies....
Alcoholics....
Then sit back... relax and welcome the help that you will receive!!!!
But most importantly... never, ever, admit that you have C.F.S as then you will be doomed to a life of disregard... neglect and ignorance...
This an era... to make yourself ill and codependent... on whatever substance that you can acquire.... hey, but do not worry.. at least your symptoms.. once reported will be in the text book of the N.H.S.
You will receive every avenue of help... and that I will assure.. been there, saw it... and it is pissing me off big time!!!!!
Case Scenario
My sister who has been disowned from the family circle... is a heroin addict. She has a partner.. both are claiming income support.. him for himself... and her.. for her and two kids... he works his ass of in-between... as a panel beater/spray painter... this extra income pays for the drugs... the social work dept... is taking them by the hand... literally... she gets so much help for the kids... pay outs at xmas... free after school care... (bearing in mind she forgets to pick the kids up most of the time) I have worked my ass off... and make nothing near what income they have a week.. they get free rent... they only have to pay £5 a week on council tax.... free school dinners for the kids....they have there gas/electricity meter rigged... and they pay nothing towards the fuel bills...
And honesty and hard work results in...
Taking ill.. struggling to survive... being awarded incapacity benefit in your own right... still being subjected to paying rent etc... no free prescriptions... nor school meals... being pensioned of from work... pride attacked... as unfit for any kind of work... period...
NOW WHERE DID I GO WRONG IN LIFE????
Yeah... I know.. I was honest worked my ass off... but to be honest....
I NOW WONDER WHY????
10th June 2007
I have came to a conclusion over the past few weeks.. and realised that the perception of others.. whilst I am seeking refuge in "MY GLASS CAGE" leaves me with the inbuilt passion of a level of normality... as no explanation unreality is required... nor none expected..
This concept allows me to seek sanctuary if and when required.. but of late.. this sanctuary has became my home..
The sheer factor of the "norm" has became a contributing factor to my misgivings.. as with any co-dependant drug.. there is a dark side.. we are then faced with the concept of a come down.. and unfortunately.. I have became co-dependant on the normality of life itself... and for that.. sadly I have to suffer the side effects... which are the mere factor of my body.. giving up on me.. momentarily.. taking me with it...
But hey... I have learned that positivity becomes negativity
And inbuilt hope and desires become a fairytale...
But with both aspects.. I have learned to live with...
But I will never, ever learn to deal with the aspect of those that make comments... "oh you look tired" they have not got a clue.... I do not blame them really... as how can they see what I am going through....
After all... C.F.S is after all "An Invisible Illness"
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
