18th June 2007...

Well I'm still not a mum yet... lol, my dog is still holding on to her pups... me thinks she needs a hot vindaloo curry to help her on her way... haha!!! perhaps she will have her pups tomorrow... I will just need to wait and see...

Today... healthwise.. all has been well.. yippee!!! well apart from the tiredness scenario... but hey, that I can deal with... after all doesn't everyone get tired at one point or another??? ooppss... I nearly forgot... I did get myself into a bit of a state today.... I was trying to fill in a form... I felt sick, dizzy and my hand writing became that of a 5 year old... but hey... I soon got rid... I had to... it was a case scenario of me... or the form... and of course with me being selfish... I won... again!!! well a few hours after... lol

At the moment... I am a bit peeved off.. in the process of trying to help a mate... I found that the opposition has had the ordasitcy to use the a child as a weapon... as emotion and self preservation... it is bad enough to use a child as bait... but to demoralize such a child and to label him/her as special needs... for gain is diabolical... especially when the opposition is trying to regain control of a situation which is now classified as long... it ain't right...

The Child

why does happiness end
with the corruption of a child ?
there innocence is a virtue.

what we think
is right at the time
leads our kids
to a sorrowful end
should we be feeling guilty?
I think perhaps
because within there
innocent mind
life as they knew it
begins to collapse.

we relish within security
of being loved and wanted
the child does the same
we venture into the unknown
oblivious to the fact
that deep down within us
it is already intact.

we should never look beyond
because what we truly seek
already exists
in the heart and eyes
of a child.

Then to add to the equation the aspect of of demoralization... what chance in life does this child have???

NONE!!!!!

We seek strength from our peers... from an early age... and if all we gain is the knowledge of weakness... then we will struggle for survival for the rest of our lives....

19th June 2007...

Dear Diary..

today my head is screwed up once again... although I struggle to deal with the factor that my brain and body has became a mismatch... I struggle to find a level on what they both will agree to...

I want to spread my wings and fly... and leave hell below ... but sadly that is not the case... as my body is fighting against this propaganda of freedom...

I want to reach a height of recognition... but alas... I am that stranger in the crowd...

My head is urging me to comply with normality... it has reached a scary level... and it is throwing the past, the present and the future at me all at once....

Underneath my ego... there is a soul trying to break free... it will try to grasp every lifeline of survival... regardless of whether the conquest which is sought.. is personal or is derived from another... compliance to succeed such a task = survival and the mind is activated... regardless of the task ahead...

I seek tasks within others... and yes, I will put the world to rights... and to me... this is my escapism... from my already condemned world...  yes, perhaps I am stalling my own problems... but this concept gives me a purpose in life.... and why not???

But for now... my only wish would be.. that of.. if energy were wings.. I would spread my wings and fly... but unfortunately that is not the case... but hey... that is the concept of reality for you....

For now... I will succumb to my world of unreality... where hopes, dreams... and the future are one of a compassionate nature... I am free as a bird... and will fly to the higher plains... where god will touch me... and equality will become complete....

22nd June 2007....

As in the concept of reality... again it shut down on me.. well until the 20th June.. around 7ish.. then reality came banging on my door... my wee dog was in labour... ooppss.. my sister had came to visit... and had to end up staying... I needed help... my brother-in-law had commented on the fact that I looked tired.. I agreed and told him that it was lack of sleep... as I had been up since 5am that morning... but to be honest... I had had a sleep prior to him and my sister coming.... I had not been good all day....

The first pup was born at 9.25pm... and the second at 10.00pm... with midwifes Jesslynn and Linda at hand... lol...  my wee dog.. had two pups... a bitch and a dog... mum and puppies are doing well...

Jesslynn.. and me wet the puppies head... lol... yipp... we got drunk and had a laugh... it made a nice change... 

Next morning... we got up at 7.15am... I got my son sorted.. and dressed for school... then went to my sisters to help her get online... computers.. aaarrgghh!!! but now that is sorted.... yeha... I got home around 3.15pm...  and at 3.30pm... I crashed big time... I had cramps in my stomach... ouch!!! but they got to the point that I was taking cold sweats with the pain... they passed.. only to allow other symptoms... eventually I had a sore throat.. my glands were swollen... I had a temperature... I ached from head to toe... I was struggling to walk... as I had so much pain in my left leg... I was shivering...  to be honest... I was struggling big time....

Today... has not been much better... but for now... yeah... I am feeling better... although I am still struggling with my left leg... It just does not seem to want to work... perhaps it is depressed....lol....

23rd June 2007...

I'm buggered... today has been hellish... I have been struggling with symptoms all day... and to be honest... I do not know whether I am coming or going...

My head is starting to fill with fog... I ache from top to toe... I feel sick... I have a headache... my body feels lethargic... and my left leg is still painful... I noticed today.. that my foot is turning in.. whilst I am walking.... it's a bit of a pain in the ass.. to be honest... as I keep tripping over it... oh well...

All I wanted to do today was to curl up and seek my own wee world.. but instead I dealt with today... with a positive attitude... I went to the town, met my mum then went to her house... for a while... but trust me... every action today.. has been a grueling process... but at least I am home now... and to be honest... today's actions have not done me any favours....

I'm so fed up... living in a world of limitations... I'm doomed if I do... and I'm doomed if I don't... what a choice ehh????

If an artist was to paint a picture of myself... it would portray one of a happy.. healthy... normal human being... as my well being is based on sight...

But if I were to paint such a picture of myself.. it would portray one of an unhappy... ill... struggling but determined... human being...

Yes, I have felt like giving up many a time... as I am faced with a life... of temporary execution... only to be released...  then faced with execution again... stopping all the concepts of the "norm" as in mental/physical functions....

I am living a life of torture.... perhaps... one day realisation within the medical profession will occur... that depression is not the cause... of C.F.S but the outcome... as I will challenge anyone to endure 5 years of what I have been going through... then ask them... if they are still sane...

24th June 2007...

Today... I have rested.. and I have been feelingly relevantly okay...  but what capacity of life is before me.. especially when the barriers of activity are my enemy??? I dare not go beyond them... as the hurdles to victory... lead to the concept of defeat... and suffering...

So where does determination lead to??? I have within... faced every hurdle... and claimed victory... only to have it snatched from me... I can only ask why...

Tonight.. the hurdle that I had to conquer... was one.. of seeing to my son... he has not been feeling to great all day... at 6.20pm... I realised that he had a temperature of 39.3c not good... I had to put him in a cool bath... bathe him... and gave him 2 spoonfuls of Calpol... then I phoned N.H.S 24 who consequently advised me to take him to the out of hours service...

My appointment was for 7.40pm... ~gulp~ I panicked... as 7.00pm is my deadline... but as a mother... I got him there.. I had to forfeit my own demons... as my son is more important...

He was diagnosed with a chest infection... and at the moment... is okay.. but I will keep him off school tomorrow... just to be on the safe side....

Once again... the battle against the barriers of activity... are victorious....

Yes... perhaps I now face defeatism again... but I have righted a wrong... as my son needed help.. and I fought all the way to obtain it...

So within myself... regardless of how I feel... I stand victorious....

Nothing... nor no-one will ever stand between me and my son... as he is my life... my future, my present and my past....

Regardless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victory

Let me rest in peace
and tomorrow I will
conquer this battle
that has been laid
before me

For now, I am weak
but I will grow strong
and defeatism will
lie in the realm of the enemy

I will lead my people to victory 

Understanding will
prevail this medieval
source of torture

But for such an
injustice to be righted
we must unite
and face this battle head on

As alone we will suffer
therefore the victim
but together we are victorious