25th June 2007...
My welfare rights officer... made a statement to me... a short time ago... that those who suffer from depression, drug problems, back problems, C.F.S and depression... are at the lower end of recognition of care... from the social services... and D.S.L.A...
Drug and alcohol abuse I understand entirely.... but why the others???
Oh I know... we chose to be depressed.. we chose to have back problems... and C.F.S...
Me thinks not!!!!
All I know... is that I am ready to go into battle... and as time goes on... my army is growing stronger... by the day.... and I have the negligence of the N.H.S to thank for that.... regardless of ones criteria of medical dilemma... if the diagnoses of the problem is not coherent... then we are dismissed...
At least in the medieval times... those that were ill were bled... regardless... by placing leeches on the body.. to draw out any misconceptions of madness, illness etc...
So what has happened to modern day medicine????
As it stands... a dog is treated better.... they are put to sleep to end there torture... and as human beings... we wish that our torture would end...
We need a break... regardless of what capacity it may behold...
But when justification of this arises... we will defeat it's status.. and deny it... as as per know... we are strong, well and coherent..... but within... we are suffering from a momentary lapse of illusion....
But I am who I am... I will stand strong.... I will defeat the enemy of negligence.... I will impose power upon my people... and we will be strong....
We will camouflage the moments of struggling... and weakness.. with whatever concept we can... and we will survive...
Bugger the labels of society... as we are real people... trying to survive reality...
But the scary road to victory... is the factor.. that a very close friend of mine... took six paracetamol... to defend her title... yes, and she did succeed.... as in the subject of negativity... well... that was not a concern... at that precise moment... escapism.. was her only goal...
26th June 2007...
Today.. has been one crazy day... it has been filled with foolishness... from the soooooo called departments.. that are supposedly there to help... Firstly the N.H.S again... it just gets better and better... not!! My sister was given tablets from the local G.P.. to help ease her back pain.. they gave her "Tramadol" not good.. I knew the side effects that they had yesterday.. when I saw what they had prescribed her... these tablets are "morphine" based.. and trust me... after taking them... lets just put it this way... she has been flat on her back all day... hot and cold sweats.. and being sick... when first taken.. the feel good factor is tremendous... then they kick you to the ground... and stamp all over the top of you... the poor wee soul.. has lost a full day... and is still feeling rubbish...
I have good news as well for all the scammers out there that wish to claim D.S.L.A, as another genuine case has been turned down today... so hey, go for it.. it'll give you more money to spend on crap... but I just hope that you have a conscious... as that money is to help genuine people who struggle with every concept of there life... I was thinking perhaps.. that I may visit my neighbor tomorrow... and ask how he managed to screw the system for the high rates of mobility and care component... whilst he works on the side... hey, when I find out.. I will help everyone to get what is due to them.. the system should be revised.. and quickly may I add.. it is unfair... and unjust....
I know that I am one of the lucky ones... I get help, as in carers... transportation to take my son to and from school.. A befriender for my son, to take him on outings... and my D.S.L.A... (low rate mobility and care) and I am still struggling... big time.. but I have empathy for those that get no help whatsoever.... as I have been there.....
Hey, I just had a thought there... on your next application... regardless of what it may be... tick the asylum seeker box.... and see what level of help/finance is offered.... well strictly speaking... it is not a lie... it is the truth.... as you will be seeking asylum from the neglect, unfairness, negativity and labeling... that has been portrayed so far by the authorities.... after all... it is making you anxious... depressed... etc...
After all... are we are entitled to our human rights.. are we not????
27th June 2007...
We are all on a "merry go round" of devastation caused by others...
I got some sickening news.. a short time ago.. my mothers bag was stolen whilst she was shopping in Asda... she has lost her mobile phone, her purse which contained her cards/cash etc.... her house keys... and some personal items... it is not good enough... what the hell is wrong with society???? There greed leads to anothers devastation... in what ever capacity... regardless whether it is theft or fraud.....
Whatever happened to compassion?????
To be honest... it is a dying trait... the "norm" these days seems to be greed, theft, fraud, abuse, alcoholism, drugs, fighting and arguing... but then again... we have the system to thank for that... as all the assholes in life are rewarded... and put on a pedestal of financial help... to continue there reign of terror.. amongst decency....
Yipp, I am peeved off....
At the moment... I'm struggling to deal with this factor....
But then again.. you know the old saying... "if you can't beat them.. join them"
No chance... I have my values... and my pride... and I will never stoop to their level...
We are all victims of society... but that in itself.. gives us strength... to carry on...
Regardless!!!!!
today's society... or so it seems...
The social wull
gee me monie to git ma
bucky
"aww noo ma giro didnae cum
in am hinging oot fur a drink"
"Hay mate a fought ye telt me
that you niver got your giro ether
so how cum yeve got a bootle???"
"A gote ma disabilty moniy the dae
dae ya want a swalley?"
"aye a dae cheers an o that"
"Bit rite noo a need
ma fix ma stuff hus run oot
nae worries tho
am jist gonnae go tae the chemist
tae git ma methadone"
"Hay mate, you goat owt fur eatin?"
"na, bit am goin tae ma maws shortly
and she hud better huv money in her purse
cause it's mine
and if she husnae
she is nae mither o mine
the old bag that she is
efter all dis she no realise
that a need my fix
noo am gonnae huv tae steal some old bats bag
an they better huv anuf moniy fur me to git
ma loaf o breed"
28th June 2007...
I just feel dead on my feet just now... my head is bursting.. I have taken on to much this week... and to top it of.. I have hardly been sleeping... my son still isn't to great.. and he is coughing morning, noon and night.. I just need to try and get some sleep.... to be honest... the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment... is a case of needs must...... I need to look after the wee one...
Last night he had a temperature again... so I took him to the doctors today... seemingly now, he has a build up of fluid in his ear... he, has been given different antibiotics.. so, fingers and toes crossed that these will work.... as he hasn't been feeling to great for nearly two weeks now...
I'm sat here counting the hours until tomorrow.. as his dad is going to take him for a couple of days... I need time to get back on my own two feet... as everything is starting to get too much for me to cope with... what with the dogs, the puppy's and everyday events....
I got a letter from the D.H.S.S today... I am not entitled to Incapacity Benefit in my own right... as for the year 05/06 I have not paid enough stamps... so, I am entitled to Income Support... well, eventually... as I have been told now.. that I need to reapply... they have voided my entitlement at there end.. due to a hiccup in the system.... aarrgghh!!!
I just can't deal with this again... it was hard enough to sort it all out the first time...
I was thinking about the full situation earlier... and I remember being told.. that if I accepted ill health pension... from Tesco... then that itself was acceptance of the way I was treated.... and I could not take my complaints... any further.... but now... they can stick my pension where the sun don't shine.... and I am going to take my story... of harassment, failure to carry out adequate adjustments within the workplace... to the extent, that I was being verbally abused... not, being allowed pre arranged tea breaks... without continuous explanations.. as to why they were required...
This scenario.. enhanced the symptoms of C.F.S due to the stress factor... eventually to be honest, I felt that I that I was in a put up or shut up scenario... but, yipp... eventually it was to much... I crashed...
Since then... I have been subjected to the so called... ignorance and unprofessional management skills.. from the personnel manager to be exact....
And as in... knowledge.. of human resources... I beg to differ... as she does not have a clue... period!!!
29th June 2007...
Well, that is my son away to his dads for a couple of days... so much for a relaxing day... I have been more stressed out today... than yesterday...
It doesn't seem to matter what direction I take.. there is always a mountain to climb... and once I succeed... I seem to fall flat on my face.... seems to be the story of my life...
Tonight, I feel very low... I can't be bothered with anything... or anyone... although earlier I tried to remain positive... but I honestly need time out.. to recuperate....
My hopes and dreams unfold.. whilst I am asleep... and for a while... I am happy... then morning comes... and I face another day... of trying to exist in the shade of unreality....
But I am struggling to black it out.... and I'm tired of trying...
I am in a rut... and I need to escape... momentarily I come up for air... only to be dragged back down again....
To be honest... I'm afraid that one day that my rut will suffocate me... completely...
My only weapon against this rut... is determination....
But my determination... tonight.. has left me to my own devices.... it is tired... and needs to take some time out also... so, I will let it rest this weekend... as next week... me and it... have many mountains to climb.... and together we will succeed....
What a team....ehh...
After all... with a smile... and determination... we can together climb every mountain in the horizon... to success...
30th June 2007...
Last night... I lost my power of speech... I knew what I wanted to say... but regardless of how much I struggled... the words would not come... silly me did not realise until I answered a phone call then realised.... ooppss... silly me....
I'm stilling feeling low... today, I wanted to shut out the world... and be alone... but as they say, the best laid plans.... they never work... but this era of negativity is not good... and the imposed contact today... kept me sane... although... I lost it with my daughter... when she phoned today for the third time... I had had enough....
All I wanted was time to myself..... as momentarily.. I was feeling fine... then the symptoms were creeping up on me....
Around 7pm ish... I felt suffocated... I had to escape my solitude... I phoned my friend.. and she asked me to out to the pub... with the girls for a while... and I accepted... I went upstairs, washed my hair and dried it... then looked in the mirror...
I did not like my reflection....as it portrayed one of ugliness...
All I could think of was... how can I go out looking like this... so, I put my clothes away... and stayed in...
I have became a prisoner in my own home... and the funny thing about it is... I do not want to escape.... as I feel secure....
My Glass Cage has become my biggest torment... as within... I am struggling.. and those that care to take a peek... at my exhibit... seem to pass me by...
So as of now... my exhibit has been removed from society.... and my torment will end....
1st July 2007...
The games people play.... with anothers emotions.. and desperations... are that of content... they are despicable and deplorable... and the subject of the so, called hilarity... within.. creates an era... of unworthiness, ridicule... and suffocation... within the directive... of there actions...
Why is it... that a man's actions... and self righteousness ... changes in a woman's presence???
Tonight... I have been taken for a fool...
My ex partner... arrived tonight to drop his son of.. without my maintenance money... after a conversation... he told me that he was going to the bank machine.. to withdraw all monies due....
I am still waiting.....
That was three and a half hours ago....
His new partner was in the car... when they arrived... I take it that perhaps my request was not compliant... in her eyes... and in her infinite wisdom... directed my ex... to let me wait....
I am so fed up of being let down....
Why am I being subjected to this continuous realm of bad luck????
I have never done anyone any harm... and yet I am being punished...
At this precise moment.. I have been backed up against a brick wall... I have no escape...
My only escapism... at the moment... is to go back to work.... but even this has a price....
My health!!!!!!
I just do not know what to do....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
