11th July 2007...
Today... I have not been feeling to great at all... I woke at 9.30am this morning... and phoned the doctors for an appointment.... guess what??? I have another chest infection... ooppss... I have been sleeping on the couch... for most of the day.... as in now, I am feeling slightly better... but still not to great....
Tomorrow... my occupational therapist is picking me up at 1pm... to introduce me to a women's group.... at the moment I do not know to much information.. but hey, what have I got to lose.... perhaps it may be beneficial....
I will let you know.....
12th July 2007...
Last night I hardly got a wink of sleep... for coughing.... aarrgghh!!!! and my wee granddaughter was crying most of the night also.... god bless her... she got up this morning... coughing and sneezing.... and my daughter has a cold starting also.... then, to top it all of... my son came back from his dad's tonight with diarrhea..... I give up... lol
I went to the woman's group today.. to be honest although it was not my cup of tea.... it provided support for women... as in a drop in centre... and weekly meetings with different activities.... for certain women in certain situations.. this itself helps build confidence.. and provides a social scenario... whereas.... they can meet and chat about anything...
I'm afraid.... that my problem is to deep seated... and neither do I need my confidence boosted... when I am well... I am life and soul of the party... and when I am ill... I prefer to be on my own.... lets be honest.... who in there right mind wants to chat, have coffee and meet people whilst they are ill?????
I am on a new mission.... I am definately going back to work soon!!!!!!
I spoke to my occupational therapist today.... and she is going to try and help me... again!!!!!
Yes, I weighed up the importance in life.... and I am afraid... that the financial part has to win.... and I'm going to give it a good go... I can not afford to live on the breadline... and I suppose... I am to much of a snob to stoop to such a level...
Today I received the long waited notification from Tesco... inviting me in to discuss my ill health retirement.... but unfortunately.... I am busy on Monday.... so, I will need to reschedule.... my occupational therapist.... is going to contact Tesco's occupational health department... and the Disability Employment Advisor... at the job center.... together we will come up with something....
Well here is hoping.... because in the past... when the Disability Employment Advisor.... tried to help... Tesco ignored his suggestions....
13th July 2007...
How the revelations of a myth come to true... ehh!!!
Friday the 13th!!!!!!
Within the controversy of
normality
A nightmare begins to
unfold
At first I was not
aware
my head was blurred
and my vision impaired
Now awareness as set in
And I'm beginning to tire
I'm battling to be set free
but all exits are blocked
I seek a corner for escapism
but the torment follows
I feel as if I'm suffocating
Please let me breath
This nightmare has a grip on me
and will not let me go
All I ask is to waken
from this horrible existence
and for acknowledgement to
set in....
that this particular nightmare
is only a dream
But realisation has set in
My dreams are my sanctuary
and my existence is the nightmare.
To date... I have had my fair share of bad luck....
I always ask myself.... "What else can go wrong???" perhaps I should not ask..... as lo and behold... there is always something else around the corner....
14th July 2007...
Today... I'm still suffering from my chest infection... loaded with the cold... which I woke up with this morning.... I'm totally stressed.... have a headache.... and I'm so tired.... to be honest, I am surprised how I am still on my feet.... but my M.E symptoms are starting to take a hold..... I'm feel as if I'm just about to crash.... big time!!!!!
My main concern regardless..... is my daughters welfare.....
To be honest.... at the moment I feel as if I can't do right for doing wrong.... and the more I push myself... is going to have a detrimental effect on my health..... but I continue to push regardless..... I'm trying to put the world to rights.... but it is tough....
At the moment.... I am a victim of C.F.S.... and although I try to defend my families honour... and be victorious.. I will then again be deemed as a victim.... as the stress, anxiety etc... are feeding the symptoms... of C.F.S
15th July 2007...
Last night I tried to box all the abnormalities within my life.... today I have escaped.... but tomorrow I need to return..... but fingers and toes crossed... that they will all be filed away soon.... but for the moment I have chosen escapism
Escapism..
Solitude was sought...
but in the event of realism
it can not be attained
hence unfamiliar surroundings
within this capacity
I am free
My demons are awaiting my return
but they can lie in wait....
Within I am safe and secure
I have relinquished
the torment
Tomorrow I will be armed...
and enter normality
and face my demons once again
Sanctuary will once again be a dream
until such time that victory will prevail
But until such victory ascends
I will face this battle head on
yes, there will be victims
but there torment does not fall on
deaf ears
nor whispers in the dark
For once upon a time...
reality and compassion will prevail
and such demons will be kept at bay
normality and negativity will
reunite
Thus chase the demons...
which lie in wait
to destroy our soul
Within... we have ascertained
victory and compliance
to the so called "norm"
The justification of non-approachable realizations
the declaration of
of the event of non feelings within
is poor judgment on ones self esteem
is therefore classified as poor judgment from within
therefore realisation should be approached
as a figment of ones imagination is totally disregarded...
within the victim of de-realisation the subject becomes one of
hilarity
this emotion only absconds the perspect of importance
and realisation is not attained
denial then sets in
they then become tormented between realisation and denial....
destined to approach neither.....
confusion becomes an impact
which road do I take to approach reality
Coherence is my main factor
which road do I approach????
Left or right????
For now.. I pray for guidance
please help me to appease others in
my journey to life
Momentarily I had sought solitude
thus being myself
but within the "norm" justification from others was sought
For now... I will seek sanctuary on the
assembly belt of life
whereas temporarily the "norm" will suffice
but within the best laid plans...
the relationship between the "norm" and the assembly
belt will collide
due to such destruction of the predetermined route
we become confused
what route do we take???
the confusion within itself
leads to disillusion
we are in the desert of the darkness
what should we seek???
water or the darkness???
we tend to seek the latter...
as the preemptive trust in the "norm"
has led us to a world of unreality
Within this new land we find realisation
and a new inbuilt trust
as the darkness prohibits sight of such a future
a future that realistically can not be obtainable
it shields us from false promises...
therefore.... such promises
in the darkness will be sustained
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
