6th August 2007...
Today I was out and about... again... yeehaa!!!
I got a call earlier this morning... from Tesco, and after my complaints... of the fact that up until yesterday... I never received any monies owed to me... and was trying to live on fresh air... so to speak, financially.... Tesco had decided to give me all monies due to me... in cash!!! as an advanced payment... I received the sum of £725.21 in an envelope.. which within itself... in the quantity of £10 notes..... 5 coins... and 21 pence...
I had taken it to the bank.... and the girl that served me... gave me a funny look, I just had to explain to her that this was the new way of paying wages.... lol
Afterwards me and my friend.. took a walk around the town today..... I treated myself to a couple of new tops.... we went for lunch... then around 4ish... my left foot started to play up... it was painful to walk, and she brought me home....
But hey, at least I had a great time.... right now, yes... I am still hobbling about... but what the heck.... it is a small price to pay for having fun....
7th August 2007...
I woke up this morning... and tried so hard to remember who had hit me off every wall in there house.... then realisation set in... I was just depressed... lol but yesterday's events were just a tad too much.... to deal with...
I was aching from head to toe... and still having major problems.. trying to walk on my left foot... the pain was unbearable.... but as the day progressed.... I started to feel a bit better.... to the extent that I felt well pre 7.00pm ish.... yeehaa!!! makes a nice change though....
Today I had an appointment at the local job centre to speak to the disability employment advisor... he has now put me in contact with other agencies that will help me... to regain employment... I suppose now that I will just need to wait and see....
I was sitting here thinking earlier.. do you remember the "chain letters" so to speak???? and if you broke the chain... it was bad luck.... as of now, I am going to start my own "chain letter" of understanding... and if you do not pass it on.. you will have bad luck.... lol (as if we have not had our fair share)
It is as follows....
Stop trying to dismiss C.F.S/M.E suffers as being tired and lazy... get a grip and try to understand... as you do not have a clue....
Learn about the condition before you judge others.... then if you continue to cast a blanket of negativity.... then in the unfortunate case scenario that you think that you have contracted this condition... the journey to gain sympathy will be a complete washout... as sufferers we do not try to gain sympathy... only understanding... we are strong and determined individuals.... regardless... of the net of negativity that as been cast over us.... as we will always temporarily break free... only to find ourselves entangled in negativity again...
Society is so quick to judge and condemn.... and to retaliate their negativities with violence...
As in one persons story... and she is a carer for her husband....
my main problem is the area I live in. its a violent estate where people have tried kicking in our door and we have been suffering verbal abuse from some of our neighbors and I had a glass bottle thrown at my head, you can imagine how this has effected my husband, he has now developed agoraphobia but is also scared just to be at home. I have tried everything I can to get the council to move us but they refuse to believe there is a problem and don't think ***** condition is serious. I have been to our mp, to citizens advice, and complained to the council in general to no avail and I am at my wits end.
What the heck has happened to society????
If after you have read my website... and are a non sufferer... please pass on the the positivity of understanding.... and if not, you will be condemmened to at least 7 years of suffering from C.F.S/M.E.... LOL...
But on a serious note.... I would never in a million years... wish this on anyone....
REGARDLESS!!!!!!
8th August 2007...
Tonight as in the diary entry... I am stuck, I just do not know what to write...
At the moment.. the negativity of this complex condition is amidst the battle to gain positivity... and to be honest... they have became infused... and have became one...
My brain has accepted a level of peace... and equality... within the realms of acceptance.... and yes... and yet... I still have a slight awareness of the factor.. that this is not right.... and I am to tired to fight....
At the moment... I will let it win... but I will begin my battle of awareness again tomorrow....
9th August 2007...
The infusion of reality and negativity are still as one... but awareness is silently creeping back... but this within itself... is camouflaged with so many different emotions... trying to find to find the exit.. of release...
At the moment they represent a time bomb just waiting go "boom"
Unfortunately... as and when.. this happens.. temporarily... it will leave me exhausted... and struggling to ascertain any consistent... physical/mental requirements....
But at the moment... at least I still have my sanity... but only just....
11th August 2007...
At the moment.... I am still confused... and still awaiting the emotional time bomb to go "boom" as I am still struggling to deal with things.... as yet, I have not had the chance to put even the simplest emotion away in a box...
Yeah right... says you... whilst you complain of the mere factor of breaking a nail...
Right now...
- I have lost my job... and I am struggling to keep myself... financially...
- Receiving grief from my son's father... and his new wife...
- Trying to deal with the negativity that my son portrays on the world.... (because of his dad's behaviour)
- I am trying to deal with the fact... that I need to take my 18 year old Yorkshire terrier to the vet.... to get him put to sleep... (but I can't) instead I watch him suffering.... and get upset...
- Trying to deal with the concept... that I have disowned my daughter... (who I love to bits and want to protect) but need to disallow this for health reasons... as I can't deal with the emotional & negative impact that she places before me....
- Having to file.. debt letters... in the bin everyday.... as I have no money to pay my debtors...
- The fear that one day soon... the debtors will clear out all my possessions.... to retrieve what is owed....
- The mere factor... that one day.. I will end up with liver failure... due to the factor that I drink to extend my evening... and to feel normal for a while... (even though I have an ulcer)
- Momentarily.... I am well.. then I find myself struggling
- I have so many important issues... to deal with... and I do not have the ability to even fill out a form....
- I do not posses the capacity of an individual one to one/activity.... for a prolonged period of time.... as I need to do lots of little things... rather than one big thing...
- I am fed up being an actress... as in I am always well... I was thinking of changing my career... but I do not no how to....
- The detrimental effects of social isolation that most sufferers end up having to deal with....
- Trying to deal with the mere concept of reality... whilst realisation creeps in... and I realise.... that this can be no more....
To be honest... at the moment... I am on a downward spiral... and it ain't my fault that I got ill... so, why am I constantly faced with bad luck???? I need a break.... big time!!!!!
Because.... in amidst this period of bad luck.... I still need to deal with the aspect of negativity amongst others... re: C.F.S./M.E. I just want folks to get a grip so to speak.... get there finger out of there bum... and realise that we are going through hell....
12th August 2007...
Please do not waken me.... at the moment I am asleep...
I am in amidst my dreams of normality.... and I am at peace... I am fine.... and at one with the world....
Bliss!!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
