27th August 2007...

I'm just sat here wondering.. why life's events never comply to the concept of symmetry? strange ehh? 

Instead we have to endure the non compliance of the symmetry of life as in....

To be honest, even the concept of life is fighting a battle against the so called "norm" as it is never satisfied with it's current situation... it is constantly fighting against the opposites... regardless....

Without this so called battle against compliance... we has individuals are left in the dark... as we unfortunately... on an everyday basis... need to deal with the irregularities... that this non-compliance brings... and our only weapon is determination...  

Yes... perhaps at times.. we are bogged down.. but.....

Yeah... I know... the above is great advice... but then reality rears it's ugly head...

BUGGER!!!

As the best laid plans never seem to comply... do they?

At the end of the day... we as sufferers.. regardless of our determination.. always end up as a non-compliance to symmetry.... as in symptom/understanding... we suffer opposites on a daily basis...

 

28th August 2007...

Today, I started my new job... to be honest the full week, well as first thought... was basically an induction period... I was so wrong... I am in on a full time basis... 9am-5pm 5 days a week on a course.... with the expectations from the company itself... to obtain a 100% pass mark on every written assignment... and if my marks do not comply with there wishes.... I will not be released from the training period until such time as I obtain the expected percentage.... so much for me thinking... it's only a call centre... it will be easy.. all I will be doing is phoning people... I was so wrong... this job is based on banking, transfer balances... etc...

To be honest... right now, I can foretell the future... as in...

I hate being right... but unfortunately... I always am... as we as suffers... know our boundaries.. and the litigations.. that we have to face through no fault of our own... 

And why???

Good question... 

Because we well.. within our person do not want to be a burden on society... we will always, well temporarily thrive on success... until such time our bodies reach the point of complete burn out...

Right now, my head is in amidst a level of compliance to society.... fighting the battle to maintain my self esteem... trying to sustain my independence both morally/financially.. whilst trying to disregard the final outcome.... which I know will be inevitable....

How do I know? I hear you ask...

Because after one day... I am struggling.... and at the moment, I am trying to get well enough to return to work again tomorrow....

BUT I WILL

As in the consequences, well serves me right... for being a determined... little... b****

But I will continue.. until something gives... preferably the C.F.S/M.E.. but hey, the only worst case scenario... is the mere factor of me....

After all... it will serve me right for thinking that I had the capabilities to conquer the world....

 

29th August 2007...

Well today I experienced what it is like for a healthy individual to attend a training course... yeha!!! well apart from a few short periods of discomfort... I was fine...

In fact more than fine... the day has been crammed with information as we had to sit our first test today.... and around 4pm the test papers were eventually presented to the trainees... I was the second in the group to complete the test... and yeha!! again... lol I got 18/18

This company is looking for a 100% pass mark... in all tests... and only then will we be released from the educational part and be allowed to start our posts which we originally applied for...

They are strict on efficiency, compliance and team efforts....

My unfortunate downward spiral last night left me with many unanswered questions... but to be honest the only way to deal with C.F.S/M.E is to basically try to ride the slopes... with dignity..

Momentarily... you find yourself on top of the world... then bang!!! and yes, when you fall from those heights... yes, it does hurt.... ouch!!!

My self esteem took one heck of a bashing last night... and when I woke this morning... I did think to myself... "is this really worth making yourself ill for?" but I went back... and managed to survive another day....

An hour or so, into the training... realisation set in... we were two members short.... and towards the afternoon... I was told that one chap, who had been working constant nightshift prior to his new employment... had asked to delay the training... and the second... well he never appeared full stop!!!

Perhaps.. and yes, some/most have pre-labeled us as being as being a society of depressives... we never give up.... regardless... until such time... unfortunately... we fall down!!!! irrespective of the ignorance of our label... our only problem is that we have inheritated the skill of selective hearing....

Whereas... if you are lucky enough to find an empathic individual in your journey of C.F.S/M.E who simply tries to, well at times... tell you to rest.. especially when we are amidst a good day... we do not hear them... as we, are trying to live the past few days of incapability's... in one day whilst the perception of normality is within our grasp....

After all... you have heard the saying... "here today gone tomorrow" yes?

So, well... in my world... I intend to grab as many "here today's" as I can... after all... it may be "gone tomorrow"

Such is life ehh????

 

30th August 2007...

I got up this morning at 6am... to be honest I did not sleep to well last night... I seemed to clock watch most of the night... but by 5.50am.. I sat up and had a cigarette... then got up out of bed at 6am... enough is enough.. I turned of my alarm which had been set for 6.25am... then made a cup of tea... and started to get ready for work...

Most of the day... I felt okay.. but again suffered momentarily relapses throughout the day... right now, well I am not doing to great... healthwise..

I am buggered again... ooppss....

No worries... after 10 hours sleep... fingers and toes crossed... I will be back up and running by tomorrow... (I'd better be.. lol)

Anyways... I need to call it a night...

Sweet dreams... x

 

31st August 2007...

At the moment... I am asleep... I am trapped in a financial nightmare....

Illusions of financial gain are forthright... but I am suffering... and poverty is threatening my financial independence...

I am trying to escape... but there are to many barriers... but within I will fight for survival... but I am beginning to tire... I need to take a rest... okay... maybe for a minute... as poverty is starting to creep up on me....

I lay down to rest... then realise... that I need to keep running... so I do... I run as fast as I can.... poverty must never catch up.... I am scared... if it gets me... it will ruin my life... and take away my financial independence...

I continue to run.... but now... I am tired... I try to take residence in a corner... stealthily... but I am found.... and poverty confronts me....

I find myself begging.... "Please do not take away all that I have worked for and leave me with my financial independence"

But poverty laughs... and says "it is not me that has taken it... you are the one that has given us the power to strip you of your financial independence and now, you must accept the factor of financial deprivation... you have pushed the issue of the "norm" to far... after all who do you think you are? now you will have to deal with the consequences"

I try to waken... I feel trapped.... what can I do? I need to escape....

Slowly but surely... I waken... only to find that realisation has set in....

And my horrific nightmare is true.....

 

2nd September 2007...

My nightmares are starting to consume my life... I lost a full day yesterday... as in my dreams... I wanted to get up, get my housework done... and enjoy my day.... but unfortunately.. that was not to be... I was stuck on the couch... to ill to move...

Periodically, today... the nightmare has surpassed... but only to return... with vengeance.... but I will continue to fight... it is only a hallucination... and by tomorrow... I will shun it's mere existence.... I have to... to survive... regardless whether poverty is leering at me... or not...

Yes, I have named and shamed poverty as a contributing factor to my self destruction.... but may I add the significance of peoples actions... this factor within itself... could alleviate my journey to self destruction... if only they took the time to understand... defer judgment.... and simply took to take time to care... about others... rather than themselves...

Yes, we all have problems... but different ones...

So, why intentionally create other problems?

Regardless... of what was first thought... I am not the persecutor...

I have became the silent victim... which I intend to remain....

 

 

Other Diary Entries

Week Beginning

2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th

2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st

2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd