17th September 2007...
Today, many hearts have been broken... as the gift of unconditional love... has withered.. and turned to dust...
All we are left with... are tears, memories... and a lock of hair...
Why does life have to be so cruel?... it does not make sense...
What right does god have to take away my best friend?
For days I have struggled to maintain a life... but this morning... that was not to be, I tried again... and again... but when I tried to support this life... it went lame within my grasp... I knew that I was facing a losing battle.. but I within denied it....
God took my dog into his fold today... as he died at 10.00am this morning...
I realised at 4.45am this morning... that he was dieing... but within... I denied the truth of the matter.. in my head.. yeah.. he is okay... just a bit tired... and will waken up soon. he is dead now... and I am still praying for him to return... I just want him to be able to sit up... walk and eat his dinner... and that is what has got me through the last 2 months... as within my wishes... he was being compliant... and in my head that made everything better...
Yes... perhaps I was being selfish as in a short while ago not taking him to the vets to be put to sleep... as he was suffering... but no-one would condemn any loved one to death...
My dog was only 3 years younger than my daughter... he was part of my family... and a friend to many...
All I know is right now my heart is broken.... I am struggling to deal with my loss.. and those that want to condemn me for being selfish as in trying to prolong a life... right now... I do not give a dam...
My pillar of strength today has been in my friend Louise... she was there to help me... she was the one... that sat with Rover... whilst the vet put him to sleep... god bless her also... she came out in tears... as she has known Rover for 18 years...
I begged her on route to the vets... to put him down.. in my head I just needed him to stand up... then I would have taken him home... but it was not to be... as he was to weak to function... and after the arrival at the vets... I was told that he would not have lasted the rest of the day...
At the moment... I am not doing to good... (this is understandable) but my friend Louise sent me a poem earlier.... about Rover... basically it sums up just about everything...
God saw you getting tired,
And a cure was not to be.
So he put his arms around you,
And whispered, "Come to me."
With tearful eyes we watched you drift.
We watched you fall away.
We couldn't bear to lose you.
We couldn't ask you to stay.
A golden heart stopped beating.
Shining eyes at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove us
that he only takes the best..
18th September 2007
I woke this morning... to tend to Rover... and he was not there... all I was confronted with was an emptiness.. which once portrayed a life...
My brain, projected an illusion.. of him, first it gave me a level of comfort... but when I tried to cuddle him... there was nothing there....
At the moment, the symptoms of C.F.S/M.E are having a field day... so to speak, as they are preying on my vulnerability...
Why will it not give me some space... I need to grieve and I am unable to do that whilst I am being bombarded with symptoms....
As in tonight.. I give in... I am too tired to fight... I just want to be left alone...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
