24th September 2007...
The justification of one's morals to appease others... so to speak, is starting to catch up with me.... as I put my own feelings on a back burner... and try to believe in other people's hopes and dreams.. I am starting to feel as though I am not a person... with needs of my own...
Why???
Because I have put myself in the case scenario of being the happy go Linda... she will always (and is expected) to be there for everyone else... but for that, the only person that I have to blame is myself.... by projecting such an image... to others..
But within, I am struggling.. and the mighty so to speak will always take a fall...
Unfortunately... that was me.. ooppss... I crashed big time!!!
My physical/mental requirements.. took a nose dive to the extent that I was unable to walk, talk and faced a battle to retain my sanity....
And why???
Due to a simple chest infection imposing my well being (again) and the current battle between body and mind.. to fight the the debilitating condition of C.F.S/M.E, my mind/body surrendered... and left me a prisoner of an in between.... of reality and unreality.... as my mind and bodily functions... had decided to part for a while... and due to there surrender I was left like a helpless zombie...
Yes, I could think, well periodically.... but for a while.. my body was trying to take my brain with me... as I was being left with a big nothing!!! but eventually my brain stayed... but I became a prisoner of war... as I was referred to "no mans land" what is the point of the brain sending signals... if the body refuses to partake in any such requirements...
This fall out... between body and brain left me with the inability to speak, move or walk... to the extent.. that I became a recluse... and tried to lock out the world.. in an attempt to survive such an impairment of my physical/mental abilities...
27th September 2007...
My physical abilities have now returned to a level of normality... but to be honest, my mental abilities are somewhat dragging there heels...
I just do not understand... why such an illness would prey on either
At the moment, periodically I am still trying to fight the intrusion that the nothing created...
It is just not fair...
My birthday was ruined... as I was struggling, to the extent that I had to shut up shop so to speak.. and hide from the world.. as I was suffocating in reality... I just felt that everyone wanted to take there share of my spare time... to which, I had none to give... and left me with nothing.... as my spare time... which is only called so when I am well... is precious, and I will not share it with others.... and why should I? as in being in there shoes... once upon a time... I had all the time in the world... and the energy to give it....
But unfortunately.... not anymore...
28th September 2007...
I have came to the crossroads in life, as in what route should I take...
I try to dismiss the virtue such as the grass is greener on the other side, but regardless.. as in now I am confused...
I need a route to understanding, but all I am faced with is the directions of perhaps maybe...
As in now... I am lost within my own disillusion of perfection.... but regardless.. I will continue to fight until that level is sustained....
29th September 2007...
As in my own disillusion of perfection.... I have reached burn out... in trying to obtain it... and now realisation has set in.. as in the foreseeable future that it will never be obtainable... as I have lost my battle to reclaim my stance of succession within life....
To date my succession has been one of monetary values.... but I knew that one day... sooner rather than later... something had to give...
And yes, unfortunately that is me....
I am now waving my white flag in surrender....
I am to tired to fight anymore....
30th September 2007...
Today, I feel very vulnerable... and compliant... but regardless... I still grasp the white flag of surrender.... as I do not, nor want to fight anymore.... I have had enough.... and I have dropped my barriers to every emotional conflict that may invade me... instead of fighting the inevitable... I have given in...
Let my enemy rejoice in it's so called perception of life... as one day soon... my alliances will fight for justice.... and deny the rejoicement of happiness versus sorrow... and replace this virtue with control...
Once we regain this factor... we as a nation will stand firmly behind the barriers of life... content will suffice... thus driving the demons that threaten our self preservation...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
