15th October 2007...
Within my realm of vulnerability.. which was imposed on me.. through no fault of my own.. it unfortunately, opened a door of reliance....
Which within this factor.. I felt safe... warm and secure... I was whole again...
But alas.. the safety net of reliance... within it's self.. projected an element of flaws... to the extent.. of who will catch me when it fails... to adhere to it's purpose?
The answer to that question.. is yourself.. as in if and when you let yourself down.. the only person that you can blame then is yourself...
Never seek sanctuary within the realm of reliance... as within it portrays.. a level of false hopes.. and promises.. and within this factor.. it tries to camouflage it's own insecurities... simply by picking up on anothers vulnerability...
This factor within itself... allows the demons... of insecurity to be whole again.. and triumph within there so called victory.. .
Feel free to enjoy this facade.. and rejoice within it 's misconception
As the reign of decency.. will always... remain...
and triumph within it's victory..
Regardless!!!!!
16th October 2007...
Today... a level of realisation occurred... as yesterday I thought that I was dreaming... that my employers had telephoned me...
Within my dream.. I received a call... asking me if I was going to go back to work.. and my answer was.. It is to early to start..
They then asked me.. why I had not phoned.. bearing in mind I have been of on the sick for 3 weeks.. and I told them that I had been out.. and was just back home... and I was going to phone..
I was then asked if I was going to go to work... I said no..
They then asked why... and I said because I said so...
Then I vaguely remember, as within my dream.. that I put the put the phone down.. in midst conversation...
But today... I was reminded of my actions.. as my employers.. called me back ... and questioned the above...
To be honest.. my perception of yesterday... is a blur.. period... as any level of normality.. presented itself.. as a haze.. in the horizon...
And within layman's terms... I have lost a full day...
19th October 2007...
Due to the factor of my health taking a downward spiral... of late I have found myself dismissing the factor of companionship... between family and friends...
Sorry... but it is not my fault...
Regardless of this factor... a special friend touched my heart, to the extent that I was reduced to tears...
She sought the incentive... to provide me with a special memory... as in a memorial plaque.. for my dog Rover who died recently.. aged 18 and to be honest.. she helped me to get through the day... as within that factor... I was in a mess, emotionally...
God Bless her..
Louise.. I love you to bits...
~HUGZ~
I will keep that plaque.. close to my heart forever.... xx
20th October 2007...
To date.. amongst the misdemeanors that I have portrayed of late... was one of denial and confusion...
To date... denial has therefore been replaced with acceptance... and I am happy... but the factor of confusion, continually gnaws at my so called pre-disposition of choice.. and the route that I have chosen to take...
Why??
That I will tell you... although I am in love.. so to speak.. my long term friendship with the recipient of my desires... has became a factor of confusion...
I no longer want to present myself as struggling... and in need of assistance... but within a level of friendship... I had nothing to hide...
Whereas... in the new found level of desire and compliance... I need to paint a masquerade of well being...
This level of compliance.. is only within my thoughts... and not of that within the recipient... as whilst the element of happiness is enforced... who am I to disregard such a gift.. with the equalities.. of negativity...
It is not fair....
21st October 2007...
Today... my level of confusion has became more tolerant... as the level of understanding begins to creep in... as in today... health wise... I have only suffered from short technical difficulties... whereas.. within that factor... a greater level of clarity has been obtained...
Within that aspect.. I am intending to return to work tomorrow... even if my return is only short lived...
Yes, before you ask.. all aspects of my hope.. and realisation may in fact become a mirror image by tomorrow... as although at times.. we regain a level of controlism within our lifestyle... C.F.S/M.E tends to take it away again... and we are left struggling to regain the title... and suffering whilst it rejoices it's selfish reign...
My plan as always... is that I will go back to work tomorrow...
But unfortunately... that plan has now taken 3 weeks to occur...
But hey.. I will still remain positive.. ehhhh..
After all what have I got to lose?
To date... quite a lot to be honest.... but none of this was my fault... but on a second thought... I have nothing to lose.. as nothing else can be taken from me.... the C.F.S/M.E has destroyed all aspects of normality... period!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
