22nd October 2007...
Today... the controversy of C.F.S/M.E camouflaged itself as a level of normality... and within that aspect... I was well... I thought that I could conquer the world...
But I was deceived, as my inner wishes... lured me to a level of ability which enabled me to be complete... but why, whilst acceptance is in order... take it away?
The mind games of C.F.S/M.E have became my tormentor.. my demon's within... as in one minute I can fly.. the next barely walk...
Perhaps.. my demon's have stopped me in mid track today....
But then again, there is always tomorrow.. and so forth...
Within that virtue.. I will continue to battle...
One day... the demon's of C.F.S/M.E will admit defeatism and let me be..
After all it has been noted.. that some folks, can and do get better with C.F.S/M.E
To date, I will challenge that concept... as in seeing is believing... but hey... you never know...
23rd October 2007...
It is now a year.. since I started to share my life with others, as in my diary entries... and I hope.. that through my personalisation... of such entries.. have helped society to understand what we as sufferers.. have to contend with on a day to day basis.... and gone will be the pre-conceived aspect of the factor of that we are just lazy... and when we look rubbish... I hope now that realisation has taken place... to the extent that we as sufferers will not have to contend with the ignorant comments.. of "you look tired" anymore... I tried to give society as a whole a window to realisation.. and not what was first portrayed as in the "yuppie flu" scenario...
We are real people, with a real illness... and we struggle to maintain our stability within family life, socially... and most of all in employment...
Due to the aspect of being a C.F.S/M.E sufferer, we tend to lose every value that we took for granted.. as in family, friends, employment and our own well being...
Now who would give that up willingly?
I am still waiting on an answer!!!
Exactly!!! tell you what I will let you sleep on it.. then perhaps realisation will take place that we are not a nation of lazy depressives that society first labeled us as.. we are real people with a real illness...
Oh, now you have realised... so why tell me that I look tired?
I have no more to say.. think what you want....as I give up trying to educate non- sufferers who refuse to look beyond the cover of a book... as they are to lazy... to open it... read it.. then understand...
Until such a day surpasses... we will always be judged by our cover... not our contents...
As in fellow sufferers...
To those that have not yet been diagnosed.. or are in the early days of trying to combat this horrible debilitating illness... I hope that I have not scared you... but hey.. I wear my heart on my sleeve.... and call a spade a spade... so to speak...
The personalised website was geared to offer understanding in every perceivement of this illness itself... which as sufferers.. I hope that you can relate to... hence no medical terminology...
But always remember... alone we struggle... together we are a team... and within that factor, perhaps one day realisation will occur...
But most importantly... a cure for our so called "invisible illness" perhaps one day ehh...
Well we can all live in hope.... to date that is all we have left...as in we will be well again...
Fingers and toes crossed... x
26th October 2007...
Requiem for a C.F.S/M.E sufferer..
Where do we go from here?
This isn't where we intended to be
We had it all, you believed in me
I believed in you
Certainties disappear
What do we do for our dream to survive?
How do we keep all our passions alive,
As we used to do?
Deep in my heart I'm concealing
Things that I'm longing to say
Scared to confess what I'm feeling
Frightened you'll slip away
Why are you at my side?
How can I be any use to you now?
Give me a chance and I'll let you see how
Nothing has changed
You Must Love Me
Artist.. Madonna
We as sufferers have became very volatile due to the never ending circumstances surrounding the controversy of being sufferers of the pre-labeled "invisible illness"
We have became a voice in the dark... pleading for recognisation... but within the camouflage of darkness.. we are struggling... to the point that we create a level of alienation for ourselves...
But within that aspect.. that is our comfort zone... we are safe from the constant negativities from society itself...
As the lyrics above say... "Where do we go from here?" as once upon a time.. we were well, our hopes and dreams were one of a kind... we had incorporated values within our recognition of success and well being...
For a while, I thought that I was able to pre-concept any negativities... surrounding my condition... with the concept of reality, as for a while I thought that my condition had at least gained a level of medical recognisation... but that myth was stolen also and replaced with a fairytale, and no, before you ask.. it does not have a happy ending... I am still searching within my dreams for my "magic pill" to re-kindle my inner hopes, dreams and ability... to regain a level of normality....
As in now, I need to decline my journey to find my "magic pill" and venture on a new expedition... as in one of acceptance.... I now need to realise my boundaries in life...
As out with such boundaries... my demons are waiting....
Perhaps they have taken my life... but they will never take my soul....
Is that a tear I see?... please do not cry for me... as if the truth be told, I do enough crying already to fill the sea of hope... perhaps one day ehh?
But until such a day.. that a cure is viable... I will relive my formal existence, night after night... within the aspect of my dreams....
27th October 2007...
The "big nothing" has taken the liberty to infringe upon my vulnerabilities...
Why?
To be honest, it has no reason to invade my personal space.. even if it is seemingly vacant... but within this factor.. this is only a temporary measure.. as normal service will be resumed shortly...
The technical difficulties have been caused by an emotional conflict.. as the fight for reality versus negativity have created a blank... thus leaving an emptiness within my thoughts and dreams... therefore, rendering myself numb...
Whilst every aspect of positivity is in constant battle with the equivalent value of negativity... I am left confused... and within that factor, social isolation sets in... I need to think...
For now.. I will seek sanctuary within "My Glass Cage" until the demons of inequality retreat... as I refuse to accept the factor that I am ill... the prospects of that I will lose my job... and that I may be left to struggle for many years now...
Perhaps I should retrace my steps that I have taken along life's highway... and choose an alternative route....
Well you never know unless I try... after all what do I have to lose?
Nothing!!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
