30th October 2007...
The alternative route... I have found... but this factor is only a diversion which takes me back to the destination that I was trying to escape from....
Momentarily, I enjoy the scenery beyond... I look at it in awe... and for a while... I am content...
But it becomes a haze in the horizon... and the "Nothing" resumes it's reign of discontent... confusion and numbness...
Why give, when only moments later.. take away such a precious gift of realisation?
To be honest, this within itself... is a factor of controlism... yet, we still struggle to defeat the bully that intruded upon our aspect of normality...
We as suffers... have been backed into a corner.... subjected to sheer mind games... to the point that only momentarily... we regain aspects of our past life and realisation... only to become no more than living "zombies" minutes later.... then labeled as depressives...
Yes, we appear to be victims... but it is society that has labeled us as such... but within our souls.. we are strong.. and we will continue to fight for our rights to be understood.. and perhaps one day be well again....
For the past two consecutive days... I have had to fight to retain my sanity... as still the big "nothing" pursues me... and as caught me unaware... deeming me to a level of confusion... and tears... but today, it changed it's pattern of cruelty... although it pursued me most of the day... for now.. well as we speak.. it has gone...
But as they say... perhaps I have spoken to soon... but as in now.. I will never know..
3rd November 2007...
Today, within my infident wisdom.. I had decided that enough is enough... I refused to become a prisoner within the solidarity confinement of my four walls.... any longer...
Within the factor of my imprisonment... I have became scared, agitated... and frustrated...
I yearned to be set free... and today I sought my freedom...
But unknown to me at the time my confinement was imminent... I tried to spread my wings and fly to a land of normality... only to find that my wings had been clipped..
Alas, I am still a prisoner and although I had great intentions... my head and body let me down badly... as again... they were consumed in a battle once again... and refused to comply with my wishes....
Perhaps tomorrow my plans of escapism will become realistic... after all it has been 5 weeks now.... since I have have experienced life on the outside...
I am beginning to lose touch with reality full stop... instead, I have noticed all the chips in my decor.. which need re- painted... the dust on the ornaments... which I will get round to... eventually...
These day's even my thoughts have became tiresome... to the extent, momentarily.. when a period of clarity appears within my existence I find it hard to share with others...
My time is precious.... and within my concept of selfishness... I hide away so that I do not have to share it...
But on a second note... I also hide away from reality when I am not doing to great...
Ooppss... realisation has just occurred... between the above factors.. and my inability to resume a normal life... I know now why I am a prisoner...
A prisoner of circumstance though... and never through choice!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
