9th November 2007...
Today.... has a bit of remembrance about it.... it would have been my brothers birthday....
GOD BLESS HIM!!!!!
Unfortunately.... 8 years ago... he died.. he committed suicide to be honest..... as a result of being bullied within the armed forces... the "Royal Navy" to be exact.....
Yes... I still remember that day as if it was only yesterday.... I was busying myself around the house.... as we do... then I received a phone call as of now... (ex) partner.... that Jason had been found.... he stuttered and stammered.. then eventually said... "Dead" i refused to believe this... called him all the liars under the sun... asked him what kind of sick joke that he was playing.... hung up... then phoned my mum....
It was true..... my aunt answered my call... my mum was too upset to speak.....
My world fell apart.... she had the dreaded ... "suited" and "booted"... men at her door... to tell her..... "Every mothers nightmare" that her son was dead..... my aunt came and picked me up.... and as the eldest... I had to break the news... to the rest of my family..... and on every announcement... refusal to believe quickly set in....
We as a family... tried to investigate.... but to be honest.. the "Navy" is a law upon themselves.... as we unfortunately found out.... yes!! they did a naval board of enquiry.... but eventually when it was passed to the civilian side... it was a totally different interpretation.... they.. at the coroners inquest.. were geared with so many top lawyers... those that had previously given statements.. at the naval.. enquiry... quickly changed there story.....
HOW DO I KNOW??????
Because I do... I read the report from the board of enquiry.... and when the statements.. were given at the coroners inquest... everything had changed.... we didn't have a leg to stand on.... I at that point was the family spokesperson.... the only question... after listening to another testimonial.... was...
"How can you sleep at night" ... this certain individual... was supposed to be Jason's... friend!!!!!!!
Unknown to us.. as a family... and bearing in mind the fact... that we were told.. that this coroners inquest... would only last for a few minutes... and to be honest wasn't really worth attending....
It lasted for nearly an hour!!! and when we eventually left the building... we were faced with a multitude of reporters..... from the newspaper.... yes!!! my mum did give her story... and named and shamed.. every officer... involved.....
He did receive a military funeral.... but afterwards... we all went for a bite to eat.... every time.. we approached an individual... who at this point... were Jason's friends... we were then faced by negativity.... and silence... I went to the toilet... and found a young girl.. in tears.... I gave her a hug... unknown to me at the time.. she was Jason's friend... she sobbed her heart out... and blurted out the fact that they had all been ordered not to speak to the family......What really made me feel sick that day was the fact.... my partner at that time... was "Navy" also..... he sat at the captains table!!!
TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
But to be honest... in my opinion... the Navy seems to brainwash... all susceptible.. candidates.... and at the time... my partner.. was in wayyyyyyyyyyy too deep!!!! he was a petty officer....
To me... a career in the navy isn't a chance in a lifetime... it's a reconditional aspect... of one's brain.... the strong minded candidates... then become control freaks.... and the weak ones... are either bullied.. or you tend to visit there gravestones... to put fresh flowers... at there headstone.... to sum up the situation.... I suppose... it produces... victims.. in all aspects....
The weak minded.... participants....
And the partners... of the so called... "Control Freaks"
We all end up as "victims" at some point....
REGARDLESS!!!!!!!
Yes.... my brother... was a victim of circumstance... but as in the nature of his death.... he was one of the most... brave!!! determined!!! people that i will ever know..... and it must have taken a great deal... of determination... to end his life.... he hung himself....
Yes!!!! I think that you are thinking what i originally did... from a great height.... once the action was decided.. he had no choice... to decline...
BUT NO!!!!!!
He went to do... what he had to do.... supplied with a belt.... it broke... he then took the belt from his trousers.... and tried again!!!! unfortunately... this one held!!!! He died.. by... holding up his knees...... in his hands......
He could have put them down.. at any moment.... BUT HE DIDN'T.....
YES!!!! A VICTIM OF CIRCUMSTANCE MAYBE... BUT DEFIANTLY NOT A COWARD.....
Yes... I am determined.... but to survive my illness.... but i will never ever... be as determined as my brother!!!!!
GOD REST HIS SOUL!!!!!
I wrote this poem.... shortly after his death....
THE SUICIDE...
In the distance
So forlone
A life that's dieing
A heart that's torn
An outreached hand
For someone to hold
One more gasp of air
The body becomes cold
Rigamortis slowly moves in
Twelve hours to develop
Twelve hours to disappearWhat have we lying here
A body to be found
On the ground
Here he died thinking
No-one cared
Terribly lonely
And very scared.
R.I.P Jason...
10th November 2007...
At the moment... I am trying to survive in a very mixed up world of reality...
Momentarily... I can perceive how life should be.. only to find that moments later.. what I held sacred... is now a blur on the horizon...
Today, embarrassment set in... as although I try to hide when I am not to great... I was temporarily cut short... I was at my sisters at the time.... and yes, I was unwell periodically.. but within that aspect... I could hide it.. until such time whilst I was in her house... pretending to be normal... my eyes gave away the way I felt... I was buggered... and in a different planet... so to speak....
I told her that I was not feeling to great... and had to go home...
For the past few day's.... my periods of of normality have been rationed... to the extent that within a dreamlike state.. I have encountered upon a new realm of realisation....
Nothing is real anymore... and within that concept... I am now existing within the context of my dreams and desires...
But within the desire of my pre- assumed fairytale... so to speak... I am unable to deal with the aspect of negativity....
This within it's self... awakens me from my dream like state... and threatens my existence...
I can only participate within my hopes and dreams.... and anothers desires... but when reality comes a knocking... I will always wave my white flag....
I am neither a coward nor a hero... but circumstance has led me to a position of stalemate...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
