14th November 2007...
To date my so called appeasement of trying to offer a level of understanding within the torturous existence of living with C.F.S/M.E has failed...
Within this equaestion, not only am I questioning the understanding and judgment of others... I am also questioning my mental stability and acceptance of this demoralising and disabling existence....
Within my capacity of understanding... I will always believe that there is some other underlying reason for my condition therefore acceptance will never be in order... but hey, perhaps one day they will give me a prognosis that within itself will be treatable...
I have another specialists appointment in January... so here is hoping that they will come across a more realistic prognosis... other than the previous one...
To date, I refuse to believe that I have been branded with an "invisible illness" as to be honest, the condition itself is not as invisible as first thought...
How do I know? Good question... well I will tell you, all I have to do is look in the mirror when I am not to great... and I see a vision of someone looking tired and drawn... eyes half shut and face sagged...
How do I feel when this so called masque presents itself???
Well certainly not tired as others seem to think.... if only ehh... if that was the case I would sleep and be well again...
Regardless of others preconceptions of tiredness... whilst I wear the masque, within my brain becomes dysfunctional... which then impairs my mental and physical abilities... due to this factor alone... it enhances the demoralising and debilitating symptoms of C.F.S/M.E
15th November 2007...
Yesterday I found out that Radio 4 were doing a series of broadcasts surrounding the controversy of M.E... and I was a bit peeved of that I had missed it....
Today, a good friend of mine.. sent me the link as the broadcast can still be heard...
I briefly listened to it earlier... and was shocked at the fact... that any research up till now is based on funding from the lottery... and various other charities....
As a tax payer... and a sufferer it saddens me to have came across this discovery... it is just not good enough... after all what am I paying my tax for??
It is about time that doctors themselves gained some sort of knowledge... or at least a level of understanding into this controversial illness... after all if those that offer some some sort of alternative medicines are able to.... so can the doctors... after all is that not what they get paid for???
Anyway... enough of my ranting for now, lol here is the link...
http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio4/youandyours/me_series.shtml
~HUGZ~
16th November 2007...
Today has proven to be to much to deal with... and my new found energy has run out.... this morning I was ready to conquer the world... but instead I had to deal with numerous appointments, a family crisis then proceeded to respond to some unanswered mail....
But alas... the reality of my illness has now began to rear it's ugly head again...
At the moment... I am in the process of submerging deep into the wonderful world of unreality.... within that aspect... I then gain escapism and I am whole again...
Tomorrow... reality will again intrude upon my self being... and another battle I will have to fight to regain a level of hindsight into the so called "norm"
For now I am happy within my dreams, as while I am submerged in unreality... I can look on reality at a distance and although I know what the future holds... and what diversions I have to take within life, within my so called consciousness I have the ability to see what the immediate future holds... therefore I can refrain from participating in it's pre-scheduled expectations...
Society as a whole... is expecting more than I am able to give, as my time is rationed... and within that aspect, I need to shut it out temporarily to survive....
What other choice do I have?
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
