30th January 2008...
Reality is attacking me from every avenue at the moment.... and I have nowhere to hide....
I am suffocating....
For a while I have tried to play the game of normality, appeased those who demanded, supported those who are dependant... but one person that I chose to neglect was myself....
I am tired... and starting to take a downward spiral...
No longer can I continue with the so called expectancy that others require from me... I need to revive the level of selfishness that only a short while ago... I suffocated....
To be honest, at the moment there are so many avenues... but within that concept there are also numerous diversions... but, each with a consequence...
I am lost...
Within the factor of being a sufferer of C.F.S/M.E I can only choose one route...
Me thinks that I will stay in stalemate for a tad longer.... I just need time to think...
At a glance within my lifestyle.. it has already been highlighted that I do need to" keep my head above water" financially speaking.... but on that note... I will also have to pay the price of solitude to do so....
~sigh~
31st January 2008...
After seeing another specialist last week... I received an appointment to go for an E.E.G today... as periodically... although I am still conscious... I am detached from my surroundings.... and succumb to a world of darkness and unreality... perhaps at times.. it is the best place to be especially when you are trying to deal with a chronic illness...
Yes, I suppose that I need time out... but hey, not in that way.... life is short enough without missing out on precious time....
Today has not been to great....to be honest... emotionally I have hit rock bottom again... and yes, I saw it coming.... it has been creeping up on me for day's now...
At the moment.. I suppose that I need to try and re-schedule my life... and cut life events back to basics....
At times.. yes, I tend to beat myself up as regardless of how hard I try... I can never find a balance...
As in my "glass cage" no longer.. do I have the comfort of my safety blanket... as it has been taken over by reality...
At the moment, I want to run and hide... but every avenue is blocked with so called participation.... and I am tired... I wander without cause... seeking a one way street, which within itself does not have a penalty for withdrawal... and within myself, I am at one... with no expectancies required.... after all a one way street goes nowhere...
Bliss!!!
Once my destination is found.... I will rest... as every pre-thought expectancy, via others... will eventually reach stalemate...
But for now... I will continue to ride the emotional roller coaster of my existence... which to others... is better known as life...
2nd February 2008...
My pre-conceptions of rest... have reached a higher plain.... as the concept of choice has been withdrawn form my existence....
This has been deemed from the immoral superiors who have been equated with the pre-conceived morals of choice...
But what I ask... is where are there morals... and how can they sleep at night???
At the moment I am pretty peeved of.. as not only was I losing the battle of reality... it has now both physically/financially taken of me... as it has been replaced by a unrealistic goal...
This goal to keep staff members is to offer them another position within the company... with unsociable hours... but unfortunately the rules if C.F.S/M.E have pre-determined my hours of functionability.... and any future prospects within this company are deemed to expire for myself entirely... as I can not meet the requirements on offer....
I am peeved of.. especially as I was amidst a battle of completion... only to find out.. that whilst I had reached a state of confusion.. all further choices were refrained... and my battle had ended...
But then again... I suppose that this decision has to do with the financial deposition that companies themselves fall victim to....
As in... they think that the contract that they have initially partaken of can be fulfilled... promise job security... only to announce moments later that this disposition is unobtainable....
But where does that leave us, as victims of such a companies journey to empowerment?
Lost, confused.. and financially at at loss....
Why?
Because the said given company were directed towards success and greed... and could not fulfill there expectancies....
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
