18th February 2007...
Dear Diary...
For a while.. I have had a clone... which constantly introduces life situations before me... but reluctantly plays the part... and passes the virtue on to myself...
At times I do not worry... but the chores of normality have became abundant and within... I am suffocating....
I know that I do not have the ability to take on another realistic task... but when the proposal is mentioned... my clone accepts... and I am left to deal with the proposal head on... in whatever capacity that I can....
Realistically... my clone is my own self preservation and determination.... which within itself... clashes with the condition of C.F.S/M.E which within itself... leaves me struggling...
To date, I need to try and address this factor with acceptance, instead.... I am in denial...
At the moment, I am leading two different lives.... the Linda that I want to be... and the Linda that I have become... but this situation has reached a point of stalemate.... as at the moment... I have no place to run....
I need to deal with realism...
At the moment, I am so confused... If I can be who people want me to be... why can't I be who I want to be????
I suppose that my values... as others see it, has became a materialistic facade.... but hey, if this facade brings a smile to to others.... and gives a glimmer of hope....
Who am I to end this concept?
At times I realise.... that I come first.... my feelings and happiness are first and foremost.... but then again... I will slip back into the level of expectancy.... or the pre-conceived "norm"
But at what price?? I ask myself.... and who will gain from this pact that I have made with normality?
At this precise moment... I do not know, but what I do know, eventually it will end up in tears....
Question being.... mine or others????
21st February 2007...
With reference to the above diary entry.... unfortunately... the tears that were shed were my own...
On the 19th of February... I felt ill around 3pm... I had an upset stomach, only to find later that I had a temperature... I decided to have an early night and went to bed.. around 9pm, only to awaken at 12pm feeling very sick...
I got up and went to the bathroom thinking that if I made myself sick... I would feel better, but when I got there I nearly passed out in the bathroom.
I struggled to get back to the settee... and once I got there I was shaking violently... I felt as if my blood was vibrating through my system.. I was shaking... I had to call Colin for help...
Whilst I was waiting on his arrival... I was scared and still panicky... so I phoned my friend Nancy (a fellow C.F.S/M.E sufferer) and she helped to calm me down....
Half an hour later, I called N.H.S 24, spoke to the call handler then a nurse... they were very understanding.... and told me that they would get the doctor to call...
Half an hour later, the doctor called... only to diagnose my problem via a phone call.. and advised me to see my local doctor in the morning...
I was just thinking how amazing doctors are these day's... hey, why go to the surgery when you can call them and get a telephone diagnose... I did not know that they have been trained so well..
To be honest.. it is pathetic... I was in a great deal of discomfort.. perhaps if I had an erectile problem, they would have been there... after all the N.H.S have spent £56 million on viagra this year alone... it is either a very expensive pill, or there are many that are having a few minutes pleasure courtesy of the N.H.S
It makes me angry to think that there are organisations out there who solely have to rely on charity to fund research into misconstrued illnesses.... whilst the N.H.S funds self afflicted one's such as drug/alcohol abuse.... it is not fair...
Anyway for my sins, I had to get my local G.P out for a house call, only to be diagnosed with a urinary tract infection.... and was given antibiotics... only to find that 24 hours later, it had gone.
To be honest, the one tablet that I had taken must have been so powerful that it got rid of it overnight, as today, although I felt a bit shaky this morning... I am cured.
All I have to say is that perhaps one day... the N.H.S themselves... will eventually take on board the trials and tribulations of the illness itself and give up the guess work as a bad habit.... after all who is it fooling?
As a sufferer... no-one!!!
One of these days... the medical practice will realise that we as sufferers have re-written the medical encyclopedias to the extent... if they can't find a cause... do not dismiss it!!!
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
