7th August 2008
Hello darkness, my old friend... I need to talk to you once again...
To date, I have been suffering in silence... although my voice is heard I have no outlet... hence, at the moment... emotionally, I am burdened...
I am, at the moment trying to accept the sheer factor of that I am a shadow of my former self, emotionally, physically and mentally.... but acceptance is not a word that I can digest easily.... as the past haunts me constantly....
Once upon a lifetime, I was well... highly motivated and the life and soul of the party.... now, I am ill and struggling with the basic things that we tend to take for granted.
The echoes of "disbelief" and "get well theories" torment me... as if this was the case why are many of us so unwell??? and as in the get well theories... should we all not be cured by now???
This debilitating illness not only conjures a realm of disbelief from society and healthcare providers... but it forces us as sufferers underground so to speak... we have had to become united and comforted in our via modern day technology as in the internet... and not what modern day health care should provide... as in a cure and understanding.
To date if we complain that we are ill... we are just depressed, and if we remain silent, C.F.S does not exist. Seemingly the latter is more convenient to the government... as then they can stick to familiar terminology as in depression... and be seen to be doing something as in prescribing anti depressants, cognitive behaviour therapy etc....
With regards to all sufferers... I understand how frustrated you have became... trying to deal with the concept of negativity... but to be fair, the health care providers are as we speak indulged in a "fairytale" of disbelief... with regards to the diagnose of C.F.S/M.E being a diagnose of elimination... whereas no other cause can be found.
With regards to my own "fairytale" once upon a time I was well.... highly motivated... and wanted to conquer the world, now... I struggle to even think.
Perhaps one day my fairytale will find closure, as at the moment... it is stagnant, there is neither a positive nor a negative end to my my lifestyle, as for the past 6 years I have been in limbo... tormented by the highs and lows that life has to offer on a day to day basis....
For now, I will just have to try and live with the factor of torment.... as I have to deal with this on a daily basis...
On the outside, I am me, but within, my soul has been taken.... but regardless of the fight everyday to retrieve it.... I am still in limbo... I am neither in heaven nor hell...
My afflictions are on a greater plain... of hope then diverted by destruction...
I am lost and confused and darkness surrounds me.... in the distance I see a light, yes.. just remembered, I have been there before... this is the light of motivation which I have approached once before.... for a while it gave me hope, as it was only within my mind... as when my body tried to follow... this light was hard to find....
So here I am again my old friend... and thank you for your time, just seems to be that my life is constantly diverted to yourself time after time.... as voices never know.... and in my lifestyle... I walk alone... as someone stole my soul whilst I was sleeping...
My voice will be again be echoed.. as in the extent that it will be planted in others brains... as In please help!! and perhaps within there dreams they will guide me to my final destination, and therefore the concept of living in limbo... will be no more...
Other Diary Entries
Week Beginning
2008
September:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
August:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
July:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
June:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
May:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
April:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
March:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
February:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
January:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th2007
December:
31st, 24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
November:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
October:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st
September:
24th, 17th, 10th, 3rd
August:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
July:
30th, 23rd, 16th, 9th, 2nd
June:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
May:
28th, 21st, 14th, 7th
April:
30th, 23rd, 2nd
March:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
February:
26th, 19th, 12th, 5th
January:
29th, 22nd, 15th, 8th, 1st2006
December:
25th, 18th, 11th, 4th
November:
27th, 20th, 13th, 6th
October:
30th, 23rd
