Yippee I now have a new job but what if?...

After struggling with Tesco... for many years... and eventually being pensioned off I have been bogged down... BIG TIME!!! my self-esteem took a battering so to speak.. to the extent that I wanted to hide from the world... things were and still are getting on top of me... there are only so many things that can be put to rights... but unfortunately... my health is not one of them... this in itself has created a major problem...

To date my thought processes.. and my body are in constant battle with my determination...

But then admittance sets in... I am struggling.... although to outsiders... I am well to the extent that I am an amazing actress... but within... I get scared and confused...

To be honest.. as a child I faced many mishaps so to speak... and as I approached adolescence I vowed that I would succeed in life... and nothing would ever bring me down to that level ever again... I would succeed, make something of my life... and I did.. to the extent that I became what I would call an overachiever... I thrived on challenges.. had to always be on top of a situation... I became very materialistic... I had not a care in the world... and to be honest... why should I? my theory was as long as I was okay... so to speak...

Yes you guessed... inadvertently I became a snob.... to the extent and yes, I will admit it... I had the tendency to look down my nose at others.... as I always tried to better myself... to date I am not proud of this... but until a few years ago... I did not realise.... and since realisation set in... I am constantly in denial of myself... and try my up most to help others....

Life should never be about an ego trip... although unfortunately... there are still many out there who can't see beyond there own nose... it is all about them.... and they will always refuse to take that short diversion in life.. which passes by understanding... although.. if they did.. they might gain a level of realisation... I know I did... but unfortunately... like many others... sometimes I wish that I had by passed the diversion in life... as I do not have the strength to continue my journey... at the moment I am stuck in no mans land... to the extent that I do not know if I am ill or well... because the symptoms of C.F.S./M.E. tend to fluctuate... to the extent that one minute I am well... then the next I am ill...

The factor of becoming an overachiever though.. has created so many problems within itself since the onset of C.F.S./M.E.

But regardless... of the above problems... I will always put others before myself... regardless!!!

Yesterday... I decided to battle against the pittance that was due to me.. financially by the D.H.S.S. and I won...

I got a new job... yeehaa!!!! this within itself... was the first attempt to regain employment... after being pensioned off... and after the interview... I was offered the job... I remember making a comment to my mum... "as in what is the problem there are jobs out there to get... if only folks would get of there ass and find them..." (sorry I was being a bitch again)

Within the interview... I sold myself a million times over... yes, I can do the talk... within the interview... I projected the image of a healthy, happy, determined and skilled individual... full of positivity... and motivation...

But the truth of the matter is.... well within the world of C.F.S./M.E. is

Deceit:

The perception of illusion
becomes within a factor of confusion
hence what was first portrayed
leaves the onlooker
shocked and dismayed

As a book should never
be judged by it's cover
never digest the portrayal of another
as on the outside they portray
a level of deceit
Contrary to the understanding which was first perceived

At the moment... my main concerns are:

At the moment... yes, in my head... they are only What if's? but the reality of the situation is that eventually they will become a case scenario of reality.... as personally speaking... I am not fit to go back to work... although... in my head... I am... it is such a pity that my body and head do not come to some sort of a compromise.... it would make things a hell of a lot easier... but in saying that... these days.. my brain sought alliance... within my body... and has left me.. alienated... but momentarily it returns... to console my moments of sheer hopelessness... and desperation...

To be honest... I wish that it would pick an alliance and stick to it.... after all... how can I battle the levels of negativity stripped of such a main organ such as my brain?

As within that organ... lies my determination, my success, my thoughts, my hope, my dreams and my virtues....

But until such time... whilst it chooses to contradict it's alliance... I as a person will selfishly retain any knowledge of survival that it portrays...

On a second thought... perhaps as a means of survival... I should imprison my brain as a prisoner of war...

What do you think?

Within that specter... I could always deem it to torture until such time that it admitted to giving me my life back....

Well to be honest... and lets face it... my brain at the moment is seeking sanctuary within two very indifferent scenarios.... it is no worse than a spy.... seeking to corrupt the system... but in this case scenario.... it is my lifestyle....

But momentarily... whilst it seeks alliance via my body... it is leaving me with an illusion of normality... my only redemption within this case scenario, is at this rate... I do not have the inner strength nor the determination to carry my quest through....

At the moment... my vision of all of the above... is impaired as at the moment I am only left with with my thoughts... (nice of my brain to leave them) but tomorrow... my brain will be taken as a prisoner of war.... until such time... the controversy of normality is reintroduced... within my life....

Yes.. I know that I am being selfish again... but in our case scenario... as C.F.S./M.E. sufferers... we will as a community faced with negativity do anything to survive...

Regardless......